


soft hearts, electric souls

by morallygreydesi



Category: Addicted Series - Krista Ritchie & Becca Ritchie, Like Us Series - Krista Ritchie & Becca Ritchie
Genre: F/F, Second Chances, Slow Burn, mentions of cobaretti, mentions of kitsulli, mentions of lunnelly, mentions of marrow, mentions of romance for other kids as well, mostly kinney-centric, romance is a huge part of it but so is kinney growing into herself and her relationship with love, this is mostly a kinney novella more than a romance thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-19 22:22:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 41,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14246973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morallygreydesi/pseuds/morallygreydesi
Summary: cholericˈkɒlərɪk/adjective1) bad-tempered or irritable.eg: "she was a choleric, self-important bitch."2) (in medieval medicine) having choler as the predominant bodily humour.eg: "a choleric disposition"3) kinney hale's constant state of mind





	soft hearts, electric souls

**Author's Note:**

> so, yeah, not to sound cliche but...my hand slipped. this initially started out as an idea for a sweet kinney/holly drabble and i'm not sure what happened but i ended up with 40,000 or so words of kinney trying to navigate her life in her early twenties. this is set 10 years after alu, so obviously i've had to take a lot of liberties. 
> 
> please expect a lot of original characters, excessive use of commas and the words "feels like" and "maybe", and a shit ton of angst. when i put slowburn and kinney-centric in the tags, i really meant it. this is centred around kinney growing as a person and an ongoing process. her relationship with holly is only one aspect of the story. there's also tons of references to an ex, so if that's not your thing then i'm sorry...but that's part of the story. it's not a love triangle though.
> 
> so yeah, enjoy.
> 
> WARNING: towards the end there is discussion of homophobic family members. said family members don't make any appearances, nor are they quoted, but there is discussion of their homophobic behaviour, so be warned of that, please. there's also a mention of kinney being affected by the xander scene in llu. again, it's not described but if the mention is triggering for someone, please be warned.
> 
> aside from that, if you have any questions, please stick through till the end because i've expanded some explanations in the end author notes. if you still have questions then drop a comment or review, it would be greatly appreciated! this isn't beta read. i've tried my best not to make any glaring errors, but if something slipped my notice, then i apologise. i'm really bad with tenses so if they switch around, just look the other way.
> 
> OH ALSO if you're an ARMY/aren't opposed to listening to bts, i listened to the 'face yourself' a lot while writing this. it released while i was halfway done and i could not believe how perfectly "let go" and "don't leave me" fit the progression of this.
> 
> disclaimer: obv i don't own any of the recognisable characters. they're property of k & b ritchie. i own intellectual property and ocs. story title is from the panic! at the disco song "house of memories"

Kinney doesn’t notice it’s raining until she’s idly staring at the glowing embers of Luna’s cigarette and a huge drop lands on the burning end, making a sizzling sound. 

“Fuck,” Luna grumbles, tilting her head lower so her snapback covers the slim roll of tobacco. Kinney can see smoke wafting from under the cap, curling through her older sister’s hair. She lets herself take a deep inhale of it, savouring the smell of ash mixing with the smell of earth that’s beginning to saturate the air. She’s noticed how Dad and Aunt Rose give her a side-eye whenever she does this, like they’re concerned that she’ll start smoking too. But Kinney won’t say - as if she’d ever - that the smell of smoke reminds her of Mina. 

“Hey, spacey,” she hears Luna snapping her fingers in front of her face. “Do you need a ride back home?”

“No, I’ll hitch a ride.”

“You sure? I can cancel with Paul-”

“I said I’ll hitch a ride.”

Luna doesn’t fight it. She simple shrugs, tossing the cigarette filter on the ground, where it immediately goes out on the damp gravel. She kicks it aside and gets into the car, taking her now-wet cap off. It reveals a head of highlighter pink hair, splattered with blue glitter. 

Luna had convinced Aunt Daisy to do it for her, no matter how much Aunt Rose said she could call their concierge stylists - the ones they usually saved for official events, press releases, or Eliot’s and Maria’s premieres. But Luna had declined. At first, she had asked Kinney to do it for her since she's been dyeing her hair black for a solid decade now. But Kinney just wasn't feeling up to it.  Luna had then set her sights on Aunt Daisy. Apparently a home-dye job was the aesthetic she was going for. The aesthetic turned out well - Aunt Daisy is better at dyeing other people’s hair than her own. The chemical stains in the sink, though, earned Luna a week long silent treatment from Nona. 

The car window rolls down further and Quinn leans over from the driver’s side, raising his eyebrows at Kinney.

“Text us, or Moffy or Akara, if you need us to send someone to pick you. SFO will -”

“Yeah, I know. Chill. Bye.”

Luna rolls her eyes at Kinney’s response but the smile at the corner of her mouth lets the younger girl know she’s not offended. She just eggs Quinn to drive away. 

Kinney exhales and turns back to look at the building looming ahead of her. Dalton. Five years since she’d graduated from high school but this is the first time she is coming here without a bodyguard. At twenty-three, she doesn’t need one anymore. It took quite a few years for it to happen, but the fame and hype around the kids finally died when the youngest (“the Girl Gang” as tabloids used to call them, right from when they were toddlers) became adults. 

It’s not like they’re not still known.

Eliot and Tom still have SFO looking out for them with their respective acting and musical careers. Luna might’ve gotten away with avoiding their associated fame if she hadn’t finally decided to expand her writing from fanfiction to original fiction. With a book deal snagged, the families felt it was safer to let Quinn stay assigned to her. 

It’s not like SFO and some of SFE weren’t still part of their lives. Sure, some  _ were  _ family now. But even the ones who weren’t - they were still close friends. It was just that some of the kids didn’t need them anymore. Over time, when you don’t give the world anything entertaining, the world stops caring. Rich kids move away, people move on to the next big thing. 

It took twenty years for it to happen. But Kinney isn’t Kinney Hale, youngest child of a soda and comic-book empire. She’s Just Kinney. That goth rich kid. 

And nobody cares about the goth rich kid - especially not when you had spent a few years abroad. 

_ Nobody,  _ she thinks miserably to herself. 

She can't help it. For the past two months, her thoughts have been like a blackhole inside her mind, sucking anything and everything into it. It doesn't matter if it is good or bad. Every single emotion that crops up inside her is pushed down until she feels numb. Numb, and cold, and somehow hot at the same time - because even though that blackhole sucks everything away like a vacuum, it leaves behind the only emotions that Kinney has always been comfortable exhibiting. Anger. Anger, and disappointment. She would never tell this to anybody - especially not at home - but sometimes she wonders if her legacy is to turn into a bitter, old person like Jonathan Hale.  _Thanks, grandpa._

She shoves her hands in her pockets and walks towards the school. Over the entrance hangs an obnoxiously satin gold and black poster with the words _“CLASS REUNION, WELCOME BACK CLASS OF 2042”_ painted on. Kinney’s lip curls in disgust. Who even has a class reunion after five years of graduating? Sure, she still met with some of her classmates once a year, when they were home from college for the summer, or Christmas. 

But someone had decided it was a good idea to have an official reunion now that everyone was done with college. She doesn’t see the point. It’s not like any of them have done enough in life to share stories about. Nobody in her class is married. Even Dalton kids, with their privilege and wide open doors of opportunity, take a couple of years to build a boast-worthy career. So, really, Kinney doesn’t see the point of this. 

She hadn’t even wanted to attend. But her parents had convinced her it was a good idea to go. It would seem they were a little alarmed with the fact that their “baby girl” had been acting far too much like Xander over the past two months. It was very unnecessary. So what if she was the only one of the kids still living at home? And, so what if a lot of that time was spent alone in her room?

What was the big deal in that? They were grown up now. Vada was finishing her masters degree in New York. Audrey was doing an internship in Toronto. Charlie had helped Nona find work with one of his partner charities that focused on rainforest protection, so she was in Argentina. It’s not like Kinney would be throwing slumber parties every day like they used to. It wasn’t a crime to relax alone and catch up with some abandoned seasons on Netflix.

To be fair, none of the family actually judged her. If anything, they adored having her home. Uncle Ryke and Aunt Daisy always found excuses to drag her out for a run or hike. Aunt Rose and Uncle Connor were always inviting her for dinner (probably because they were having a hard time coming to terms with their giant house being eerily empty). Uncle Ryke had even suggested they sell it and move to a small one, purely because it was a waste of resources. If anything, the Cobalt Mansion could easily sell for a huge amount that they could invest or put into charity. 

But Aunt Rose refused to let go of it. Just last night they’d had another discussion over this, and Aunt Rose insisted that the kids would visit for holidays and need a place to stay. What if they visited with their partners or their kids? Last Christmas had already been chaotic with five little children running around, and there could possibly be more to come. Aunt Rose had held Uncle Ryke’s empathetic stare with an angry glare of her own, but everyone could hear how her voice wavered. 

Nobody ever addresses the elephant in the room.  _ What if something goes wrong in one of their lives and they need to move back? What if what happened to Kinney happens to another one? We need a safety net.  _

Nobody says it. But Kinney hears it loud in her ears. It's like the fabric separating this world and the other is thin around her, and all the ghosts of her past always lean in to whisper in her ear and remind her of what had gone wrong. 

“HALE!” someone yells and Kinney blinks, dragged back into reality. She hasn’t even realised she’s walked into school and automatically headed towards the gym. The person who has yelled her name is seated behind an entrance stall, waving enthusiastically. Kinney is sure his name is Alex but she isn’t _absolutely_ sure. She still musters a classic Hale smirk though as walks towards him. The crowd in the hallway is fairly thin, so nobody pays her much attention beyond a double take. 

Possibly-Alex holds out a name tag. Unlike the blank ones that could be filled in, this one is based on the confirmed guest list. It is a slightly stiff golden tag with her name printed in such a strong cursive that it's barely legible. She peels off the paper at the back and slaps it on her collarbone. At the back of her mind, she remembers when Moffy had returned from his first reunion. Kinney had joked that if she ever attended one - as if she ever would hang out with “turds” - she’d put her name tag on her boot so that when she kicked someone, they’d know whose name to remember. The thought barely rouses a chuckle from her now. 

“...and the refreshments are on the opposite end,” Possibly-Alex is talking to her. “DJ is open to requests, and restrooms on the first and second floors are open for use. Information on which hashtags and check-in information to use for social media is near the photo booth.”

“Awesome,” Kinney mumbles. She doubts she’ll be posting anything. She had almost deleted all her social media but her parents had advised her against it. They said deactivating or dropping off the face of the earth would draw more attention. They just recommended she stay inactive. 

It’s not like her followers don’t  _ know  _ she’s been dumped. They’d all noticed when her Instagram had suddenly been rid of fifty or so photographs. How her Twitter icon had been switched from an anniversary selfie to a generic ghost enamel pin - the first picture she’d found on Pinterest when she searched “paranormal aesthetic”. The whole damn world knows she's single now. 

Including the people in the school. Bracing herself for an awkward night, she walks into the gym. 

The first thing she notices is that, thankfully, there is dim mood lighting, so a lot of people don’t even notice her entrance. Taking advantage of this, she tries to find a group of people she's friendly with. However, she only succeeds in accidentally catching the eye of an acquaintance, a girl she'd been paired with a couple of times for group projects. Acquaintance in question waves at her with a lot of visible excitement.

Kinney almost considers rolling her eyes or shaking her head at her. It’s what she would’ve done in high school. In fact, in hindsight, she was fairly good at avoiding people in school that weren’t part of her gang of four - plus a few fringe members. 

It's only after living away from the fame that she realised how often she and her family had been accidentally rude to people, presuming they had the worst intentions before they even knew them - all because of a few bad eggs. And here she thought the outside world was the one that was close minded. 

High school Kinney would’ve smirked and shrugged and pointed at something else to make an excuse. 

But _this_ Kinney is already feeling an annoying sliver of guilt watching the person’s hand slowly fall down to their side, the enthusiastic smile turning slightly awkward and embarrassed. And, fuck, if she doesn’t miss it - miss the freedom she’d had for the three years when she’d been living elsewhere, miss befriending strangers at clubs and cafes and libraries and airports. 

It's such a funny conundrum. She’d moved back home because she had needed an excuse to shelter herself - and where else to come to but the fortress that her family had built for the kids? 

Yet here she was, aching to run. 

Taking another steadying breath, she walks to the duo that had waved her over, their eyes widening a little in surprise that Kinney has actually paid any attention to them. 

“Hello,” she says, point blank, staring at both their faces. 

“Hi,” they say in unison. The one who had waved at her holds out a hand to shake. Kinney takes  it. The girl must realise Kinney doesn't remember her all that well because she introduces herself. “I’m Jazz.”

“Your name is Jazz? How don't I remember that?” Kinney asks, feeling a spark of shock and amusement, an emotion so oddly pure that it clears her sight, like a cold blast of air sobering you for two seconds when you were drunk out of your mind. She looks for the girl's name tag but it's nowhere to be seen.

“It’s not what my parents named me, and you know our teachers always called us by our full names. It’s Jasmeet, but I prefer Jazz. And this is Nick.”

“Nice to meet you,” Nick beams. 

For a few seconds there is silence and Kinney shuffles from foot to foot. What does she say now? How does one make friends? Is that something you can forget - how to talk to people? Is that a possible outcome of hiding yourself from the world? Sensing the awkwardness blooming between them, Jazz jumps in, nervously tucking back a long chunk of black hair. 

“So, when did you get back from - Tokyo, right?” 

“A couple of months ago,” Kinney whispers, prepared for the question. She knows most of the school follows her Insta. 

“You got to see so many cool places. I’ve always wanted to travel,” Nick nods, fiddling with his tie. It's a pale blue colour that looks stunning against his dark skin, especially with the number of sequins shimmering on the lapels of his coat. It's fairly distracting, and Kinney uses the distraction to compose herself, knowing that this is only the first group of people who will enquire tonight. 

“You don’t have to talk about your trip if you don’t want to,” Jazz says. Kinney realises she hasn’t spoken for a whole minute. “We can talk about something else.”

“Do you want a drink?” Nick suggests happily, as if this is a good idea. Before Kinney can even answer, Nick has vanished into the crowd. That doesn’t leave them with awkward silence though. Jazz fills it almost instantly with chatter about work. Apparently she had worked for the past year as a paralegal and is preparing to go to law school. It feels like Kinney barely has a second to blink before Jazz finishes one story and launches into another. Her hands, which are adorned with eight rings, are flailing about in excitement. 

Kinney is struck by the thought that Jazz is a very beautiful person. The way the dark hair keeps falling in her face, the way she subconsciously keeps yanking a little on the edge of her blouse to relieve the building humidity in the room, the way her earrings catch the light. The way her voice becomes high pitched when she gets to a juicy part of her story, her eyes lighting up.

That thought is immediately followed by hot shame. Kinney looks away, a frown crawling onto her face, eyebrows furrowing. She isn’t supposed to find someone else pretty. She is supposed to be upset and angry. 

“-and then the name partners walked back in  _ just  _ as he - hey, are you okay? Do you want me to leave you alone? I’m sorry,” Jazz's story screeches to a halt. She's reaching out a hand but then stops. 

“I’m fine,” Kinney coughs. “I’m just waiting for that drink. My throat’s a little dry.”

“Oh, well - oh, there he is. Nick! Hurry up, man!” Jazz waves at the space behind Kinney. 

“I'm here, I’m here,” his voice floats back, and he holds up a glass full of ice and some kind of cola. “Sorry, it’s Coke. I mean, they definitely have Fizz but, no offence, a Cuba Libre with Fizz tastes like garbage. Wait - oh, fuck, I didn’t even ask you. You drink right? Like I don’t want to assume, I know your brothers don’t but your sister does, and I think I saw you drinking on your Insta-story once, shit, shit, I’m sorry if you don’t -”

“Fuck, relax,” Kinney says, grabbing the drink from him and taking a deep gulp. The glass is sweating from the temperature in the room and it feels cool against her flushed skin. Nick looks visibly relieved, finally taking a tentative sip from his own glass.

“Did Jazz bore you to death? She doesn’t shut up about her paralegal crap. At this point I’m convinced she’s lying.”

“I am not  _ lying,  _ Nicholas. Just because some of us have interesting work stories -”

“Oh yeah,  _ all  _ of those things happened in the span of  _ one year _ .”

“You don’t have to be envious, I know my life is more interesting-”

“Nick! Nick, is that you?” someone yells, interrupting their banter. Kinney turns to see who's talking and for a whole three seconds, she doesn’t recognise the person at all. Then, at once, like an adrenaline rush, memories come flooding back. The smell of an overly sweet mocktail, the screech of shoes on the linoleum floor of a bowling alley, intense anxiety and irritation followed by the sweet relief of seeing a blonde head of hair, a pink ribbon, and a wide smile that had made thirteen year old Kinney’s head spin.

“Hey!” Nick yells, reaching out to give the person a half-hug. “What are you -”

“Stop, I don’t have time for this. I need my car keys. I’m leaving.”

“Already? No, please stay, meet some people. This is Kinney,” he says, pointing at Kinney. “Kinney, this is my cousin-”

“Holly.”

* * *

 

It was raining the last time she’d seen Holly.

Or, well, it’s definitely rain she thinks of when she recovers her last solid memory of Holly because that definitely wasn’t the last time she actually saw her. It’s not often that her mind wanders to the blonde girl whom she dated all those years ago. 

It’s not like she’s  _ pining  _ for her. That’s so, how Audrey would say, "ghastly". Kinney would say “yuck”. Whatever combination of syllables you use for it, the idea of her pining for a girl who briefly made her heart run wild in her chest ten years ago is comical. 

But, god damn, Kinney would be lying if she said that puberty hasn’t treated Holly well. The moment Kinney had whispered her name, Holly had turned to her, eyes widening a little. Unlike when they were kids, Holly had continued growing taller while Kinney had stopped at 5'5". Her eyes were a dark green that shone bright, brighter than a spotlight, framed with thick lashes. Holly hadn’t worn a lot of make-up in high school but tonight she had framed those eyes with a light dusting of shadow and a thin eyeliner. Her brown skin that used to be dusted with freckles only seemed to have collected more. Her hair wasn’t the same bright blonde it used to be, but a more caramel highlighted tone. She looked stunning.

And that’s when Kinney had to really leave. 

So, here she is, bailing from a dance not even thirty minutes into attending it. She knows if she calls home, her mother will drive over immediately. She doesn’t want to call them. This is probably the first time her parents have any alone time in the two months she’s been freeloading. Besides, they'll only be concerned that she came home so early. 

Luna is out of the question since Kinney already feels bad about making her drop her. She could call Moffy - but he and Sulli are working out the final kinks in the new water sports wing they’d built in Akara’s gym. And if they are working, then Akara and Farrow are with the kids, so they were out of the question, too. Thatcher and Jane are still in California on their family trip with their kids. 

Kinney feels oddly helpless. She is used to asking her family for favours. But with the older ones having their own families and the younger ones scattered all over the country - some abroad - it suddenly feels impossible. 

She wants to rip her hair out, a frustrated growl slipping through her teeth. She hates how limited she feels in this city. In Tokyo she used Google Maps and figured out what buses to take. In London she hopped on and off the Tube, just because she could. In Mumbai, she called an Uber nearly every day. 

But here, in Philly, in the city that is supposedly her own? She can’t even think of moving.  It’s not that there is no means to. She could call a cab right now. It’s the person she becomes when she comes to Philly, like entering its borders transforms her into Kinney Hale again. No longer Just Kinney. It's a skin she shed so long ago that now that she's grown a different one, it no longer wraps around her comfortably. 

She stares blankly at her phone, black painted nails hovering over Uncle Connor’s name. She hates disturbing him but she’d rather disturb him than Uncle Ryke or Aunt Daisy (who would be concerned) or her parents. Uncle Connor wouldn’t ask a lot of questions. He’d just make sure she was physically okay and if she said she didn’t want to talk, he would leave it. She's about to click his name when she feels a tap on her shoulder. 

“You looking for a ride?” Holly asks. Kinney blinks back at her. 

Outside of the gym’s soft mood lighting, Holly definitely looks more human. With the glare of the street light, Kinney can see that her eyeliner is a little smudged, that her gorgeous pink matte lipstick is drying her lips, and that some of her concealer is starting to cake around her nose. Her caramel hair, which is still in lovely waves, is turning a little heavy and frizzy from the raindrops falling around them. Kinney's almost grateful she doesn’t look like some ethereal beauty descended from the heavens - just a regular human being. 

( _ Not like Mina. Mina used to look flawless, even under harsh lighting, even when she woke up, hair messy, voice heavy, morning breath and all - Mina used to look like an angel. _ )

In fact, Kinney realises, Holly doesn’t look too different from the day that they had last talked to each other. Two thirteen year olds, parting ways after being unable to recreate the magic of a great first date. They had decided it was best to just stay friends. Kinney’s then-bodyguard had driven to Holly’s house to drop her first, and the girls had shared an awkward half hug. 

Kinney had crossed her arms and pretended to not care, but she’d stared at Holly’s shrinking reflection in the car’s side mirrors until the rain had blurred the image. 

And Holly, Holly hadn’t moved an inch until the car had vanished. 

They never did actually stay friends. It was impossible to. The first few weeks were awkward, and then after a while it becomes more embarrassing to reach out than to not. It’s not like Kinney had been heartbroken. A little bummed, sure. But she’d moved on. Her and Holly’s relationship had turned into the occasional too long eye contact in the hallway, or the half wave from a distance. That’s all. 

Yet here she was, standing before her, pale pink dress getting splattered in the rain, offering her a ride.

“I - I don't think so. I’m not going home so, I can just -”

“I don’t mind, Kinney. It’s not out of the way.”

“You really don’t -”

“Really,” Holly smiles at her, dimples appearing on her cheeks. “It’s okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

“Okay.”

The car ride takes place in surprisingly comfortable silence. The cute little Volkswagen smells like honey and suede, a peach emoji shaped air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror. Bluetooth speakers play some kind of mellow instrumental playlist from Holly’s phone. The only other sound is of Holly humming along under her breath. 

Kinney isn’t surprised that she doesn’t have to give her any directions, and when they pull up at the gated community, Holly doesn’t make the situation awkward by asking if she’s supposed to drive in. She parks as close to the gate as possible, turning the engine off. Kinney sees the security guard raise his head and squint at the car. 

“I’m really glad we got to see you tonight,” Holly says, smiling a dimpled smile again. “We haven’t seen you around in a very long time. It was a pleasant surprise.”

“It was  _ not  _ a surprise,” Kinney rolls her eyes. “Everyone suspects I’m back in Philly.”

“Yes, exactly. Everyone  _ suspects,  _ because you haven’t been seen. It’s a pleasant surprise that you were out and about. I hope you had a nice night. I didn’t know you were friends with my cousin.”

“I didn’t know Nick was your cousin.” 

“Ah,” Holly says, and when she says it, it sounds like  _ aaaah,  _ like it could be a punctuation mark but like it could also be the start of a story. 

“Well, he’s a very nice boy, and Jazz is a fun girl. It would be nice to see you around, if you’d like.”

“Excuse me?” Kinney asks, but Holly isn’t listening. She’s reaching to the backseat for her purse. Her body is squeezing through the gap over the middle console, her hair brushing Kinney’s cheek and it smells like her shampoo has some kind of nut in it. Whatever nut it is, it’s heavenly. Kinney slides closer to the window, turning her head away. 

“Here we go,” Holly huffs, falling back into her seat, her bag in her hand. She fishes out a little notepad and a pen, writing something. The pen glides smoothly, like the concept of scribbling doesn’t exist in its vocabulary, not when it’s being handled so gently. Holly tears out the paper at the serrated edge and hands it to Kinney. It contains her phone number.

“You...you could’ve just asked for my phone,” Kinney whispers, staring at the number, at the  _ Holly M. Williams  _ with the i’s dotted with hearts.  If her girls knew, they’d call this PACC - _Peak Audrey Cobalt Culture_.

But why would she tell them? This doesn’t mean anything. Besides, Kinney shouldn’t be getting amused enough by something like this to want to send a picture of it on the group chat.

She simply nods and pockets the paper, stepping out of the car. Out of habit, she’s quick to hop onto the sidewalk and rush through the gates before she remembers that paparazzi don’t really camp out here anymore. Not since all the children left. 

They still hang around Superheroes & Scones or sometimes try to make their way to Camp Calloway, but except for the occasional bother, it’s not a race to get to safety and privacy. It takes too long for Kinney to realise this. Before she can turn around and at least thank Holly for driving her, the champagne colour car is already driving off. 

Kinney takes her sweet time walking to the Cobalt Mansion and she’s drenched by the time she’s ringing the bell. It takes a few minutes before the door opens and a confused looking Aunt Daisy is standing on the other side. So much for not annoying the Meadows. 

“Kinney?” she says, a confused smile on her face, ushering her in. “I thought you were at Dalton.”

“I was. I left early because it got boring. What are you doing here?”

“Summoning ghosts and cursing enemies. You’d love it. Want to join?”

“You can’t summon ghosts.”

Silence greets her words and she sees Aunt Daisy’s face fall into a sad mask for half a second. She’s quick to hide it by swiping a hand to push back her blonde strands of hair, but Kinney sees it. Aunt Daisy isn’t that good with masks. Maybe she used to be, from the stories Kinney has heard. Not anymore. And her expression is hiding something she doesn’t want Kinney to see - sympathy. Kinney doesn’t want sympathy. It’s another word for pity. 

“I just mean,” Kinney says, “It’s only ten o’clock, and it’ll be easier if you wait for 3 A.M.”

“That just means we can do a sleepover,” Aunt Daisy responds in a singsong voice.

“Kinney?” Aunt Rose walks out of the kitchen, a black apron tied around her waist and her hair pulled back in a tight ponytail. She’s wearing a jumpsuit underneath but her feet have flip flops on. She finally gave up on wearing heels at home a few years ago, when it started affecting her ankles and back. 

“Hi, Aunt Rose,” Kinney says. “I was just wondering if I could hang around. You guys can continue doing whatever. I can just chill in Audrey’s room.”

“Boo,” Aunt Daisy wrinkles her nose, “Come bake cookies with us. We have all colours of frosting to decorate them with.” 

Her pale cream apron proves this, a lot of the surface covered with different coloured swipes, hiding the  _ You Pizza Sh*t !  _ underneath. 

“You were looking for Richard, weren’t you?” Aunt Rose narrows her eyes, swiping a carrot stick from an assorted bowl kept on the kitchen island. Kinney reaches for a stick of cucumber.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that,” Kinney shrugs. 

“Well, he’s at the Meadows Cottage gym with Ryke, so unless you’re hoping to go there and join their workout -”

“That we  _ know  _ of,” Aunt Daisy raises her eyebrows. “Maybe they’ve ditched us for the night to go on a wild hunt.”

“That’s not a real thing,” Aunt Rose scoffs.

“You can neither confirm nor deny that,” Aunt Daisy says, mimicking Kinney’s tone. 

Kinney’s quickly getting tired of this conversation. Her aunts can see it too, but that doesn’t stop them. 

This used to be a game. A game where either Aunt Daisy or Kinney said something completely nonsensical and fantastical, and Charlie or Uncle Ryke would act as realists. Aunt Rose would eventually pick a side depending on what was being discussed - the boys if it was paranormal, the girls if it was fate. 

Eventually everyone in the room would join, Sulli and Winona quickly jumping on the fantastical boat with Moffy in tow, Vada and Jane yelling about scientific facts, Luna and Uncle Connor arguing space theories and bringing the multiverse and aliens into the mix, Tom and Eliot using the distraction to create chaos - a normal day. 

Now it feels empty, quiet, like there are no sides to take and nobody around to take them. It shouldn’t have mattered. Once, Kinney’s raucous voice would’ve been loud enough for her and Aunt Daisy to playfully bully Aunt Rose. But now, she feels exhaustion. No words are coming up for her to even pretend to care about this conversation. She continues chewing on her cucumber stick and takes another one.

“Really, I think I’m going to nap for a bit. If I oversleep, then wake me up before midnight. It’s when I told Mom and Dad I’d be home.”

“You can spend the night here,” Aunt Rose frowns. 

“Yes!" Aunt Daisy points a finger at Aunt Rose, as if this is a genius idea. "Why don’t you take a nap and then we can have a proper slumber party. We’ll call Lily, too.”

“No!” Kinney says, louder than intended, and both her aunts frown at her. 

“Something going on at home?” Aunt Rose asks, abandoning her mixing bowl and crossing her arms. Kinney shakes her head, munching on her snack. As if anything dramatic enough to garner attention could ever go on at home, especially with only three of them.

“You know you can say what’s on your mind,” Aunt Daisy says, reaching out to twirl a strand of Kinney’s dye-damaged hair around her finger. “We won’t be hurt.”

Kinney snorted hard, causing her to remove her hand. 

“We really won’t,” Aunt Rose says, and Kinney can see how her fists are clenched underneath her folded arms. Is she angry? The thought sends an uncomfortable thrill through Kinney. She'd rather be causing frustration than sadness and people feeling  _sorry_ for her. They don't understand, so she'd rather create a situation where they can stop pretending to. “And even if we are, you have a right to say what’s going -”

“Okay, I think you’re suffocating me,” Kinney says, wiping her hands on her ripped jeans, causing Aunt Rose to wince. “I think you have forgotten over the last twenty or so years how to just be the eight of you without anyone to look after, and now I’ve come along like some pet project. But I’m not. I know I’m going through some stuff but I’m not like, in danger or something. I had a hard break up. I’m allowed to be sad. Let me be sad. I’ll get over it when I’m actually allowed to process what the fuck happened but that can’t happen here. This place, I love it but it’s not who I am anymore. And I’m tired, I’m _really_ fucking tired - tired of running every morning because you guys are scared I just won’t leave me room, tired of Dad looking at me like I’m going to fall over some invisible edge, of Mom looking at me like I’m another kid who’s going to lock herself away and never come out, and I’m  _ tired,   _ I’m beyond  _ exhausted  _ and I just need to close my eyes for five minutes. So, can I  _ please  _ just go to sleep?”

She's breathing hard by the time she's done and both her aunts' expressions have dropped. Her hands are shaking and she has to clench them behind her back to make it stop. Something dark is stirring inside her, something she'd rather not unleash on them. Kinney doesn’t wait for a response before she stomps up the stairs to where the children’s bedrooms are. She can hear the hushed echoes of whispers behind her and the sound of utensils being moved around but she pushes down the guilt of snapping at them, pushes it deep inside. 

She drags herself to Audrey’s room, which remains the most well preserved since she visits the most and was the last to leave. Kinney doesn’t think twice before peeling off her damp clothes and replacing them with one of Audrey’s pyjamas. Unlike the holey t-shirts and leggings Kinney usually sleeps in, Audrey’s pyjamas are all silky pant and buttoned top sets. This particular one is covered in cherry blossoms. 

Kinney wrinkles her nose as she stares at her reflection. With her rain-curled hair, smudged smokey eyeshadow and dark purple lipstick, she looks out of place in the bright pink room that belongs to her cousin and best friend.

Audrey’s mirror is lined with photographs tucked into the gilded edges. Some are just fashion and photography prints, some are quotations from her favourite novels. Some are polaroids taken through the years.  One of Tom and Eliot leaning to look into Audrey’s crib; one of Vada and Nona as kids, grinning at the camera, both their front teeth missing; one of Jane sipping coffee with Kinney in the background, staring at the camera like she’s a ghost; one of -  _ oh.  _

Kinney’s breath hitches in her throat. It’s a picture of her and Mina, from six months ago. It was taken the month before Audrey was leaving for Canada, and the girl squad had decided to join Kinney and Mina in England for a girls trip. 

The picture was taken at the Harry Potter Studio Tour, and both Kinney and Mina were wearing Slytherin robes. Kinney was pointing to the Forbidden Forest, and Mina had her arms around her waist, chin resting on her shoulder. While she took the chance to press a kiss to Kinney’s cheek, Vada had taken the chance to snap a candid. The polaroid had captured them with a background of stars. 

On the blank space below, Audrey’s handwriting loops into the words _your love is as enchanting as this world, darling_. Kinney reaches for the picture and flips it over to find her own handwriting: _OTP: Mina + Kinney = Minney_. It's accompanied by a kiss mark in Ruby Woo - Mina’s signature colour. Kinney lets the pads of her fingers ghost over it, her hands shaking. 

When she looks up at her reflection, her skin looks paler and her eyes are bloodshot. She realises she hasn’t cried in two months - not since that night, the night they broke up. She hadn’t meant to cry that night either but everything had been too much, so much, exploding inside her chest, erupting before she could press it down, and she’d embarrassed herself. 

But now, she can feel something rattling inside her chest and the cherry blossoms on the pyjamas look like that one Tokyo afternoon, and Kinney feels like she’s going to faint. Her knees are shaking, as are her arms. Her bones seem to be falling apart at the seams, dragging her down. But when she falls to her knees, it’s not darkness that comes. That would be too kind. It’s tears. They come and they don’t stop. 

Kinney presses her fingers to her face in disbelief. Her throat closes up and when it opens, the only sound that comes out is a sob. She wants it to stop but every breath she takes causes more sobs to wrack her frame. At this point, she's shaking, attempting to swallow her cries and then coughing over her tears because her throat has closed up and she can't  _breathe._ Everything inside her chest hurts, like her ribs forgot to do their one and only job.

She feels herself curl up on the floor, the fur of the carpet tickling her nose and making her cry harder. 

_ Make it stop, _  she hears her own voice in her head. Or is it her ears? Is she speaking out loud? It doesn't matter. She wants it to stop. The crying, the emptiness, the nausea, the feeling like she's going to live forever alone, the noise her own sobs are making, the way her blood is pounding in her temples - she wants it all to stop. 

Her eyes squeeze shut, sticky from mascara wet with tears. She keeps them closed like that, pretending that she's falling, falling, falling into an abyss.

She doesn’t even realise when she falls asleep instead.

She doesn’t know how much time has passed when she feels herself being jostled. Her eyes open a little, a sleepy tearful haze clouding her vision. 

“It’s alright, it’s just me. Go back to sleep,” Uncle Connor says in a low voice, settling her on Audrey’s bed and pulling the covers over her. Her vision is blurry - from tears, from slowly deteriorating, from sleep? She can't say. She sees Aunt Rose picking up the wet clothes she’d discarded and bundling them up, probably to put them in the washer. 

“One of us should stay with her,” Aunt Rose says. Kinney can hear Aunt Daisy fiddling with a water bottle that she places on the nightstand.

“She’s not a child, Rose,” Uncle Connor says. “She doesn’t need to be babied.”

“We found her curled up and crying, and now you’ve tucked her into bed, Richard. She may not be a child but right now she needs care-taking.”

“Has anyone called Lo or Lily?” Uncle Ryke asks from the doorway.

“Not yet,” Aunt Rose says. “I texted them to let them know she’s sleeping here, though. They’ve been doing this every night since she came home, I think we can take the responsibility for one day.”

“I believe Kinney  _ told  _ you in her own words that she’s feeling suffocated,” Uncle Connor interjects. “Staying here with her is counter productive.”

“Can’t you see how devastated she is -” Uncle Ryke sounds upset.

“Yes, I can, and we’ve seen it happen before with her other girlfriends-”

“Those were teenage crushes. This is something else.”

“It was still very devastating to her, and you're correct, this is worse. It’s rougher, and it’s going to hurt her, but the more we push her, the more she’s going to refuse to process it.”

“I understand that, Richard,” Aunt Rose says, “but we can’t just leave her like this-”

“I can stay,” Aunt Daisy speaks up, and everyone immediately quietens down. Everyone always quietens and listens to Aunt Daisy. “Take care of those clothes and get some rest, Rose. If it looks like she’s not going to wake up again until morning, I’ll leave.”

Kinney wants to tell them they don’t have to stay at all, that she’s not sick, that she wishes they weren’t discussing her like this in front of her, but sleep pulls her under again. 

* * *

 

When she wakes up a second time, everything hurts. Her throat feels parched and her eyes feel sore and puffy. But for the first time in two months, she’s had a dreamless sleep. No recurring images of the night Mina dumped her, no terrifying realisation that she’d have to move back to America, no sinking feeling in her stomach as she approached Moffy on the tarmac, his eyes betraying how worried he was when he got her call begging him to get her.

She pushes herself off the bed and finds a note on the nightstand. On the top of the notecard is Aunt Daisy’s handwriting: _Good morning, the scariest ghost to haunt this world. Don’t forget to hydrate yourself for maximum terrifying capabilities!_

Below that is Aunt Rose’s neat cursive: _Your clothes are clean, but I don’t have to tell you that you can take Audrey’s pyjamas home. Also, I had to empty your pockets before washing, everything from them (and your clothes) are kept in the paper bag on the dresser._

It's so disgustingly cheesy and nice. She wrinkles her nose to avoid the smile that's creeping on her face. No smiling. She's not allowed to smile after her little display last night.

Wiping her eyes, she takes multiple gulps of water. Then she finds one of Audrey’s flip flops - probably a pair Vada left since they have corny chemistry jokes printed on the soles - and goes downstairs, packet of belongings in hand.

The house is fairly quiet but Kinney can hear movement in the living room. As soon as she enters, Aunt Rose and Uncle Connor look up. Uncle Connor looks like he’s ready to go to work. He’s studying her carefully but doesn’t say anything, only folding the newspaper in his hand and placing it on the coffee table. Aunt Rose isn’t dressed for work, however. Kinney knows this because she’s wearing her home make-up. But that doesn’t stop her from wearing a wraparound black dress that flatters her rounded waist and makes her look taller despite the lack of pumps.

“Good morning,” Aunt Rose greets, folding her arms. “I would invite you to stay for breakfast, but Lily wants you to come home.”

Kinney nods, fiddling with the end of the pyjama top before clearing her aching throat.

“I just wanted to - er - say I didn’t mean the stuff I said last night.”

“It’s alright, we asked you for your honesty.”

“I didn’t mean the bit about being your pet project, really.”

“Yes, you did,” Uncle Connor says. “It’s okay to criticise us. You argued logical points, and while our intentions were good, they did not reflect in our actions. We can handle constructive criticism, Kinney.”

“Well, duh,” Kinney flashes a tiny, sarcastic grin. “I just wish I was a little nicer about it. Only a little.”

“Don’t worry too much,” Aunt Rose says, and Kinney frowns when she sees her cat-like eyes shine a little. “It isn’t a Wednesday night without someone picking a fight they didn’t mean to.”

Wednesday night. Kinney’s stomach falls to her feet. Of course. Of course, that’s why Uncle Connor and Aunt Rose were keeping themselves busy. They always do on Wednesday nights, ever since everyone moved away. It became increasingly difficult for everyone to show up for dinners after some moved to different cities, and this month is the first time _ever_ that nobody has been able to make it. 

She opens her mouth to apologise properly, but Aunt Rose shakes her head and hurries her out the door. 

“Go. My sister is harmless most days but when she’s in mother hen mode she can be a little scary. I don’t need someone launching the nearest action figure at me.”

“You’re being dramatic again, darling,” Uncle Connor pipes up but Kinney doesn’t hear the end of that conversation. 

She simply hangs her head and makes her way to her own house. It’s not empty either. Uncle Ryke and Dad are in the middle of a conversation when she walks in.

She opens her mouth to say something but Dad tilts his head. 

“Lily wants to talk to you...she’s upstairs.”

“Am I in trouble?” Kinney frowns, looking between her father and Uncle. 

“I don’t remember saying that,” Dad responds. “I said she wanted to talk.”

“You’re not in trouble,” Aunt Daisy skips down the stairs. “She just doesn’t want to talk in front of everyone. Your voice was heard. We're avoiding an intervention.”

Kinney sighs and stomps up the stairs, beginning to wonder if she should’ve just kept her mouth shut and baked some damn cookies. They’re all acting like she made some terrifying confession last night when all she did was vent a little. If they go ballistic every single time she's honest, then why do they even ask for honesty? They shouldn't be surprised, then, if she chooses to keep her feelings to herself.

Her mom is sitting on her bed when she walks in. She blinks at the pink pyjama outfit before giving Kinney a shaky smile. 

“Good morning. I hope you slept well.”

“Surprisingly enough, I slept like a baby,” Kinney says, tossing the bag of dried clothes on her bed. The bag tips over, all its contents scattering on the floor. Fucking smooth. 

“Actually, you woke up a lot as a baby. It was only when you were a toddler that you became fairly dull.”

“Dull?” Kinney’s eyes bug out. “Did you just call your kid dull?”

“You have no idea. You used to describe  _ everything  _ to us. If we asked you  _ Kinney, what did you do today,  _ you would tell us everything. And I don’t just mean,  _ Oh, I brushed my teeth.  _ I mean,  _ I walked to the sink. I opened the toothpaste tube. I squeezed -  _ “

“Okay, okay, I get it, I droned on and on,” Kinney snorts, kicking off the flip flops and throwing herself on the bed beside her mom. She feels her mother’s fingers comb through her frizzy hair. 

“When did you stop?”

“What?” 

“When did you stop telling us things?” her mom asks, and when Kinney looks up, she sees the thing she feared the most out of all this. Her mom crying. Her family's tears are the only thing strong enough to break through every single wall she's built in her lifetime. It doesn't matter if it's her parents or siblings - if she sees a single tear or pained expression, her eyes swim. It's like her tear ducts know what's up before her brain does. 

“No, no, don’t cry, Mom, please don’t cry. If you cry, I’ll cry.”

“Then cry!” she says, her voice shaking but stern in a way Kinney has only heard a handful of times. Mom isn't one to scold often - but when she does, it's so full of emotion that the kids always end up listening. Kinney can already feel her throat closing up again.  “Cry, because it’s better than letting this eat you inside out.”

“Nothing is eating me inside out-”

“Isn’t it? Kinney do you really think we don’t know you?” Mom asks, standing up. “You  _ always  _ hide your anger or anxiety behind sarcasm - I’ve seen Lo do it his whole life and it only hurt him more than anybody else.”

“No, that’s what you don’t get!” Kinney stands up too. A tear slides down her cheek, and she tastes it on her tongue as she snaps back. “You  _ don’t  _ know me. Not anymore. I’m not that same girl okay, and  _ that’s  _ what’s messing me up. I went out into the world in a way I never could while I lived here. And now I’m back and I  _ don’t know what to do with myself. _ ”

“Mina was  _ not  _ your identity! You cannot lose yourself over another person!”

Kinney bites her tongue so hard to stop herself from accidentally saying that her parents lost themselves over each other fairly often. She tastes blood in her mouth. It’s a line she can’t cross, not when they’ve spent decades turning their relationship into something healthy and beautiful. It’s not a fair, or accurate, blow. Kinney doesn't have a moral compass over dealing fair cards but she can't use that against her parents. 

A little bit of the anger she's holding onto loosens, turning into sadness.

Mom senses her hesitation and waves her arms helplessly.

“I just want you to talk to us, Kinney. You still haven’t told us what exactly happened - and we don’t need to know the details but now I’m getting worried. What did Mina say to you? Did she hurt you?”

“No, it’s not like that - look, you know I’m a dramatic person. I just wish you guys would hear me. This isn’t something big to worry about. It’s heartbreak. The entire world goes through it, now it’s my turn. And yes it fucking sucks, but it happens, okay? That’s the real world.”

“Why do you keep saying that like we don’t know what the real world is -”

“Because you don’t!” Kinney yells and she hears the television being muted downstairs. It makes her grit her teeth so hard she feels her jaw shake. 

_ Not an intervention, my ass. _

“You and Dad, none of you know what this is like. I hate to break it to you, but you sheltered the shit out of us. You loved us and coddled us and guess what? You tried so hard to protect us from being hurt by others you forgot that one day it’ll inevitably happen. You always taught as that you guys are there for us to lean on, but you didn’t teach us what to do when we face our struggles alone. The fact is that you can tell me as much as you want that I’ll be okay and whatever, but you don’t  _ know  _ that because you’ve never experienced this. You met your soulmate when you were a kid. Aunt Daisy was sixteen. Uncle Connor and Aunt Rose met in school. Aunt Willow and Uncle Garrison met as teenagers. You all fell in love early and, good for you, but that’s not how it works for the rest of us. You guys don’t know what messy break-ups and heartbreak feel like. You don’t know what it’s like watching the person you love  _ leave  _ you. We don’t all get soulmates.”

“Yes, we do!” her mother cries, reaching her arms out to grab Kinney’s shoulders. “I know how lucky we were. All of us. But there’s no age to finding your soulmate, Kinney. And I believe it,  _ with all my heart,  _ that you will find yours. So what if it takes ten years, or thirty? Your life isn't over if you don't find your endgame in your twenties. And until then, you have us. You still have so much of the world to see. You’re still so young. Don’t give up on yourself.”

Kinney doesn’t even realise that her eyes are streaming with tears again. It’s like she’s opened a stupid dam and now it won’t close. The more she tries to stop crying, the harder she does. She rubs at her face furiously but her mom pulls her hands away and uses the sleeve of her BB8 hoodie to wipe them away.

"It's not fair." She's fucking  _complaining_ now? Pathetic. "Why - why do I have to go hunting for my soulmate? Why does everyone else just...find theirs?"

"Oh, Kinney." Her mother's expression is watery and wavering. She doesn't have an answer. Nobody has the answer.

“Wish I’d stop leaking like a goddamn faucet,” Kinney tries to say sarcastically but it comes out as a broken whine. Fucking hell, this is so embarrassing but she can’t  _ stop.  _

“It’s okay, you can cry all you want.”

“I’m not supposed to cry,” Kinney whines louder, and her voice cracks like she’s a teenage boy and not a twenty-three year old woman. “I’m supposed to be a bad bitch.”

“Even bad bitches get to cry sometimes,” her mom says, pulling her daughter back onto the bed. She's tilting Kinney’s head to rest it on her lap. Her fingers smooth back her hair.

Kinney buries her face in her mom’s stomach - and she cries, and cries, and cries. Her entire body curls itself into a painful ball, her spine protesting as she tries to make herself disappear. She's faltering. She's breaking. Or she's been broken for a while and now someone's knocked her over and all the scattered pieces can't be put back together.

It feels like an hour passes before she breathes without new tears coming up, but her mom never complains or moves. Sniffling and pulling away, Kinney cringes at the mess the BB8 hoodie is in. 

“I ruined your hoodie.”

Her mom laughs a shaky laugh.

“Lo and I stopped caring about our merchandise a long time ago, kiddo. Trust me, you and your siblings have ruined a lot more stuff. Crying on a washable hoodie is bottom tier. And a hoodie is replaceable. You aren’t. Are you - do you feel better?”

Her instinct is to say  _ whatever _ but she realises that, yes, she does. It still hurts so, so much, but - she doesn’t know how to explain it. It's like someone put her thoughts through a strainer and while the dirt is still there, it's separated and clearer in a way it hasn't had a chance to be before. Her mother nods, understanding nonetheless.

“It’s like an infection. It hurts to drain, and it’ll hurt to bring the fever down, but now that you’ve relieved the pressure, it’ll heal.”

Kinney stares at her mother, who flushes a bright red.

“What? I know medicine stuff!”

Kinney stares harder. Her mother scrunches her nose and sighs.

“Moffy told me to play Farrow’s old medical documentaries or audiobooks to make the kids sleep when I’m babysitting. Sometimes, information sticks.”

Kinney nods and sits up just as there’s a knock on the door. Her mother opens it and Aunt Daisy is on the other side, holding up a plate of chocolate cake, a sheepish smile on her face.

Kinney smirks back and takes the cake, mouthing “I’m sorry.”

Aunt Daisy shrugs it off. “Don’t. Never apologise for speaking up.”

“Thank you for the cake, and for the water last night.”

“Are you feeling better?” she asks.

“Funnily enough, I am. Definitely more tired, though.”

“A good cry will do that to you,” Aunt Daisy says, throwing her arm around her older sister, who is watching their interaction with a smile. “But I’m glad you’re feeling better. I knew you would. Lily Calloway is very, very magical.”

“Stop!” her mom ducks her head, rushing out the room with a tomato red face. A second later, they hear a shout, “And it’s Lily Hale! Bye!”

“She really is,” Kinney says around a mouthful of cake.

“And she passed that magic onto you, too,” Aunt Daisy grins, tapping Kinney’s nose. “Just let it replenish. I know you don’t want to chain yourself to one place after getting a taste of running wild. But you’re allowed to come home and heal before you venture out again. We won’t stop you. Don’t doubt yourself, little witch.”

“I won’t.”

Aunt Daisy nods and leaves, forcing Kinney to clean up the mess of yesterday’s belongings strewn on the floor. She shakes her head and reaches to pick up the stuff from Aunt Rose’s bag that had fallen over. 

Among the clothes, she finds her phone. It’s almost dead but she sees a Twitter notification. She clicks on it out of curiosity, since her private messaging filters are closed to non-mutual followers. It’s a message from @jazzyhands: _Hey! Just wanted to let you know it was super fun hanging out last night. Hope you’re doing well! Also wanted to say that my workplace is downtown and so is Nick’s, so if you ever wanted to hang out or something, you can hit us up. Here’s my number. - Jazz._

Kinney puts down her phone and shakes out the paper packet until she sees a neatly folded pink note. Inside, although slightly smudged from the rain water, is Holly’s number. Before it completely dissolves, Kinney quickly adds it to her phone.

“I won’t doubt myself,” she whispers.

She thinks she might even believe it.

* * *

 

It takes her two weeks to actually text Jazz who doesn’t seem bothered by the delay and immediately invites her to have dinner and drinks that weekend. Kinney is super grateful that she doesn't comment on how long it took for her to reach out. She's found that the less people put a spotlight on her actions, the better she gets them done.

Well, actually it's not _that_ smooth. First, Jazz forces Kinney to send her a selfie holding up her Twitter @ and name to verify that it’s actually her. Apparently, she’s had friends cat-fished before, especially people in Dalton who are frequently fooled because people want them to think their celebrity classmates want to be friends.

Yet again, Kinney is humbled into realising that her family isn’t the only one who have suffered for their fame. She’s too awkward to apologise to Jazz, who doesn’t seem to blame her for it and gives her a time and place to meet. It takes Kinney a whole another day before she asks Jazz if Holly is coming.

_ [Jazz]: oh, i didn’t even think of that. i mean i wasn’t going to invite her but if you’re cool w/it then ya. _

_ [Kinney]: wait, i thought she’s ur friend _

_ [Jazz]: she is but she told us that you guys semi dated in middle school. i know it’s been like 10yrs or w/e but if it’s awkward….she’ll understand _

_ [Kinney]: idts, i mean it’s been 10yrs right? _

_ [Jazz]: cool, i’ll let her know _

That Friday night, Kinney takes a little extra effort in getting ready - actually making sure her mascara isn’t clumpy, and that she applies three coats of purple lipstick instead of just one customary swipe that’ll fade away rather horrifically. 

She also decides to dress slightly nicer, even making an effort to wear fishnets underneath her heavily ripped jeans instead of just wearing tights and a t-shirt. When she walks into the kitchen to get a glass of water, her father does a double take in the middle of making dinner. 

“When you said not to make dinner for you, I thought you were ordering pizza,” he raises his brows. “Where are you going?”

“Out,” Kinney shrugs. She makes sure she has everything she needs, digging through her purse.

“No, shit. Where?” he asks, stirring a pot of boiling pasta.

“Downtown with some friends. Don’t wait up for me.”

He puts down the wooden spoon and squints at her for a few seconds. Kinney can see how he’s worrying his jaw because it makes his cheekbones stand out more. It’s a tell they’ve both acquired. 

“What?" she sighs, abandoning her mission to fiddle with her purse.

“If you’re going to be out late in the city-”

“I don’t need a temp bodyguard.”

“Are you driving yourself?”

“No, I was going to take a cab. I don’t want to be drinking and driving.”

He puts down the spoon, pinching the bridge of his nose. Kinney crosses her arms, daring him to say something.  If he decides to make some snide remark, it wouldn’t be the first time.

The Hale Household has seen countless fights between its members about addictive tendencies. But eventually their parents had come to the decision that they couldn’t stop their children from drinking - so long as they were honest about their habits and drank responsibly. Still, Kinney supposed it didn’t stop her Dad from worrying about his daughters - especially if Kinney had been so upset for weeks, and he kept eyeing her like he was waiting for her to make one wrong choice. 

“Let me drop you.”

“You really don’t-”

“I’m dropping you, that’s final.”

“Dad-”

“I’m not stopping you from drinking, or having fun. Just let an old dude get some peace of mind. I’ll feel better knowing where you are.”

Kinney grits her teeths but shrugs like he’s going to do it anyway. 

“LIL!” he yells, following Kinney out the kitchen to grab his wallet, keys and jacket from the hallway. 

“YEAH?” Kinney’s mother hollers back from upstairs.

“I’M TAKING KINNEY OUT. WATCH THE PASTA!”

“OKAY!"

“QUICK! BEFORE IT BOILS OVER!” he grins at Kinney. Why are they so  _dorky_?

There’s a sound of a  _ thump  _ on the upper floor and two seconds later, Kinney sees her mother practically flying down the stairs, her hand holding her Wampa cap in place so it doesn’t tip off. They both watch her run into the kitchen and then there’s an agitated, “LO!”

“Go, go, go, before she starts pouting at me and I feel bad,” he ushers Kinney out the door. 

They end up needing a bodyguard to drive downtown anyway, since SFA still works full time. Kinney secretly suspects this is why her Dad insisted on driving her - if he can’t foist a temporary bodyguard on her, he can tag along so his bodyguard can watch them both. She gives him the directions to the resto-bar she’s supposed to be meeting Jazz at, and she sees him looking around the neighbourhood, smirking.

“What?”

“Nothing. The Drake isn’t too far from here. Just remembering.” 

The Drake was where her parents used to share an apartment when they were college students, and the kids have begun to think of it like somewhat of a horror story. Most children who hear how their disgustingly-in-love parents started out feel some form of affection at the mention of their origin story.  Not the Hale kids. They’ve been told countless times how toxic and dangerous the lifestyle was that her parents led when they lived in the old Philly building. As far as the kids are concerned, their parents origin story is when they met as kids, running around golf fields. The Drake is more like a blackhole in their timeline. 

“You can drop me off here,” Kinney gestures to the curb and her Dad pulls over, engine idling.

“Call me when you need a ride home.”

“I  _ told  _ you I can just take a cab. I won’t even be alone this time.”

“Kinney, please.”

They stare at each for five whole seconds before Kinney exhales deeply and nods, getting out of the car and quickly shutting the door so he can leave. His car sometimes draws attention and the longer people stare in her direction, the easier time they’ll have figuring out that they know her from somewhere. 

She tilts her head down and walks towards the restaurant, pulling her phone out of her cross-body bag to text Jazz. But she doesn’t need to because she spots Holly almost right away. She’s sitting at a table towards the back. Kinney quickly makes her way over and sits across from her, giving her a tight smile. 

“Hello, stranger. For a second I thought I imagined giving you my number,” Holly teases her.

Kinney  _ hates  _ that her skin flushes, It's a habit she got from her mother, and she's thankful she actually put on makeup today because it stops her from turning red. 

“I - er - kinda spaced out. Thanks for dropping me home that day, by the way,” she shrugs in response, taking off her jacket to drape on the back of the chair. “When are Jazz and Nick getting here?”

“They’re on their way.” 

Kinney nods, pulling down the sleeves of her shirt, looking around at the restaurant. It’s fairly standard decor for a resto-bar - frosted glass panelled counter at the end of the room, neon lighting strategically placed to be slightly muted, aesthetic alcohol bottles lining the walls, and - Holly is staring  _ right  _ at her, her chin resting on her palms. She's wearing what looks like a cashmere sweater with a pastel yellow poodle skirt - a look that is so out of place with the theme of the venue. But the confidence behind Holly's expression lets her pull it off.

“What?” Kinney asks, raising an eyebrow. “Do I have something on my face?”

“No.”

“Then why are you staring at me like that?”

“I’m trying to get a rise out of you.”

“What?” Kinney snorts. “By staring at me? You realise I’ve been stared at my whole life, right?”

“Yeah, and I remember you cursing everyone out who did.”

“Sorry, if you’re looking for pre-teen Kinney, she’s not here right now.”

“How very Taylor Swift of you.”

“If you’re going to insult me then at least use an artist from this decade.”

“I’m not insulting you.” Holly’s grinning, and those dimples appear again. “I’m  _ teasing  _ you,” and she says it like  _ teeeeee-sing,  _ showing off her teeth with an uncontrollable smile. Kinney shakes her head at her. She’s beginning to feel like someone who’s been dragged onto a stage in the middle of a magic show but they don’t know what trick is going to be performed on them.

“Come  _ on, _ ” Holly whines, clapping her hands excitedly. “You used to be a lot more fun, a lot less awkward brooding silence. How come you’re not dragging me into conspiracy theories and horror stories by now?”

“Is that what you think of me?” Kinney’s eyes bug out, her mouth subconsciously tugging into a razor edged smirk.  “Horror stories and conspiracies, and cursing people out? I’m capable of more than that, you know?”

“So, show it,” Holly says, not at all intimidated. She shrugs her shoulders and leans back in her seat, toying with a napkin. Kinney watches her pale pink painted fingernails make gentle creases in the material while she folds it into flimsy origami shapes. “That’s what you’re here for, right? To make some friends. How do you expect to make friends if you don’t show us what you’re like?”

Kinney flat out ignores her and waves to get the waiter’s attention. As soon as he arrives, she orders herself a double shot of scotch on ice. Her stares are directed at the art nouveau decor on the walls as Holly humours her and orders a Piña Colada for herself. 

Their waiter is bringing over their drinks when Jazz and Nick walk in - and although Kinney has only really experienced their presence once, she is not remotely surprised to find them bickering. They’re also both wearing formal workwear, looking decidedly frazzled in comparison to Kinney and Holly. 

“Oh, hi, hi, hello, one sec,” Jazz rapidly breathes out, asking the waiter to bring two Cuba Libres and some cold water. Then she turns her attention to Holly and Kinney. “Sorry, I’m just really thirsty. Can you believe I had to power walk here because traffic wouldn’t  _ move _ ? I ditched my cab like halfway and he was like,  _ Ma’am I can’t just cancel the ride without reaching the entered destination,  _ and I said,  _ Well you’re going to have to because I’m walking out right now,  _ so then he said,  _ Yeah but we have to charge you for cancellation then,  _ and I was like  _ Bitch, do you think I care, that’ll still be cheaper than the waiting charge in traffic,  _ but I didn’t actually say that -”

Kinney is a little taken aback that Jazz manages to say all of this in, what seems like, a single breath while managing to take off her jacket, find a position for her purse where it won’t tip over, safely stow away her laptop bag where it won’t be subject to spilled drinks, and also smile at the waiter when he brings over her and Nick’s drinks. Jazz’s texts and messages are usually so polite and sweet, all  _ Hi, love  _ and  _ Hope all is well xoxo,  _ that she forgot for a minute that her personality is a lot more vocal. 

“Of course, you didn’t,” huffs Nick, flopping down across from Jazz, beside Kinney. “You’re just a bitch in theory. You don’t have the guts to actually say anything to anyone.”

Kinney nearly chokes on her drink while avoiding the fork that comes flying at Nick. She’s too busy wiping away the mortifying dribble of alcohol on her chin to notice Holly smiling around her straw, calmly sipping her tropical mix. 

* * *

 

“Kinney, pleeeeease,” Jazz whines. They’ve been sitting here for four hours, and of all the things Kinney expected from the night, she did not anticipate that her jaw and face would be hurting. From  _ smiling.  _ And  _ laughing. _ But she can’t help it. Every time she laughs, she feels a stab of guilt, but then Holly giggles or Jazz makes a silly face or Nick says something funny, and Kinney bursts into another fit. 

“I caaaan’t,” Kinney responds, messing with her phone, her head spinning from a fairly solid buzz. “I have to go home. My dad will  _ kill  _ me.”

“OMG,” Nick yells a little too loudly.

Holly hisses at him and he winces and puts a finger on his lip. It’s pointless because the bar is too loud for anyone to have overheard anything but they all still take a few seconds to put their fingers to their lips.

“Sorry,” he continues in a stage whisper. “I meant omg, not in capslock. So, wait, does your dad like do the glare -”

“Please, ignore him,” Holly jumps in. Nick is sitting diagonally across the table from her, so she’s practically sprawled across the table to try and grab his hands to shut up, all while trying to meet Kinney’s eye. “We’re not here to creepily get facts about your family. Nick, for goodness sake, we had one rule.”

"We had many rules, actually," Jazz taps Holly's head. Kinney is tempted to ask but she doesn't. She does conclude that one of them has a to be a no-photo rule, though, since none of them have insisted on a selfie or boomerang video.

“No, no, no, no, no,” she shakes her head, staring at her phone, currently unable to figure out which finger of hers she’s used for her fingerprint reader. “It’s not that, it’s just that I promised I’d call him when I needed a ride home.”

“My parents,” Jazz whines, punctuating her words with dragging air through her straw, “do that  _ all  _ the time. They’re not like conservative or anything but it’s like they  _ forgot  _ that I went to college and stayed on my own for four years. Just because I’m back home now doesn’t mean you have to baby me  _ all  _ the time.”

“I  _ know  _ right,” Kinney practically yells, phone forgotten as she smacks her hand on the table. Holly yelps in response, sliding back into her seat. “Like, I love you but...I’m a grown woman, I can take care of myself?”

“Amen,” Nick nods.

Holly snorts in response to this. “Oh please, I have seen with my own two eyes how you call Aunt Janine any time you don’t know which detergent to use or if you don’t know which spice to put in your food, or when you forget which date to do your taxes on. Just admit it - it’s annoying as hell when our parents baby us but we’re also pretty damn lucky.”

Kinney huffs and crosses her arms, eyebrows furrowed. That furrow deepens when Holly bursts out into another set of giggles.

“What? Don’t laugh at me. I’m annoyed!” 

“You’re  _ pouting. _ ”

“I am not  _ pouting.  _ I am  _ frowning _ ,” Kinney says, jabbing a finger at the spot between her brows.

“Oh, okay, you’re frowning there,” Holly pushes her own finger into Kinney’s forehead. It stays there for a second before it slides down Kinney’s nose and stops on her lips. “But you’re pouting here.” 

Kinney widens her mouth to speak but she’s acutely aware of the sensation of her skin sliding against Holly’s finger and the only thing to leave her lips is a puff of hot hair. She’s sure that if it weren’t for the music and chatter, someone would’ve heard the strangled noise in her throat. Her face feels warm - it’s the alcohol, it’s definitely the alcohol. 

Holly’s giggles die down a little but she doesn’t stop smiling. She just removes her hand from Kinney’s face and turns her attention to Jazz. 

“So, wait, are we doing this or what?” Jazz asks, taking her phone out of her laptop bag. It snaps Kinney out of her thoughts.

“No, no, count me out! I can’t!”

“Please, it’ll be fun!” Nick says, throwing his arm on the back of Kinney’s chair so he can turn and look at her properly. 

“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that there are rules and stuff and -”

“Okay, how about this?” Jazz says, crossing her arms and leaning forward.

“Uh-oh, she’s got her  _ I work for a law firm  _ face on,” Nick murmurs. Holly’s eyes are darting around everyone at the table like she’s watching some complex game of passing the parcel. 

“I’m guessing this is about NDAs and shit, right?” Jazz asks. “So, we’ll sign one.”

“What?” Kinney deadpans. 

“Look, honestly, I am a  _ little  _ offended at the lack of trust but we see the crap your family gets put through. So, yeah, as your friend I may be a little hurt but as someone who wants to be a lawyer I’m on the NDA train.”

“But we’re not even  _ doing  _ anything-” Nick starts.

“Yeah, it  _ is  _ a little over the top. I don’t know if I want to be signing anything while wasted, no matter how harmless,” Holly frowns. “No offence.”

“None taken,” Kinney shakes her head. “Seriously, guys, you carry on. I had a lot of fun-”

“How about a compromise?” Jazz tries again. “Sorry, I’m not trying to force you into hanging out with us but I just want to continue this party and I’m trying to find a solution so all of us can have fun. You shouldn’t have to go home early because of something we’re doing.”

“What kind of compromise could we possibly-”

“Wait, wait, wait! We  _ don’t  _ have to be out all night though,” Nick jumps in. “The goal is to get together and have fun, right? We can always continue as a house party. At-”

“At my place! Yes!” Jazz claps, excitedly, and then notices that Kinney looks lost. “I’m not financially stable enough to afford a house of my own and my parents were nervous about me living alone so I stay in the barn on their property. Any NDA they sign -  _ sober _ \- will apply to my place, too!”

“And it’s in a residential area so you don’t have to worry about people creating chaos,” Holly decides to add. “It’s pretty quiet and full of the kind of people to mind their own business.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say they mind their  _ own business, _ ” Jazz rolls her eyes. “But they’re mostly desi aunties and uncles so the chances of them knowing an out-of-the-spotlight celebrity kid is next to none. Plus, most of the kids in my neighbourhood are my age so they’re either working or moved out. They won’t be a pain, trust me. If they were the type to ask questions, I’d never invite you. They got out of their  _ oh, she goes to school with those famous kids  _ phase  once.... well, once we stopped going to school.”

“Okay, that’s great and everything, but I still don’t want to make your parents sign anything in the middle of the night.”

“Are you  _ kidding _ ?” Jazz laughs. “My mom will eat that shit up. I’m never going to hear the end of  _ Oh, if Kinney lets her parents talk to her friends’ parents I don’t want to hear you say we are over the top ever again _ . She’ll be super impressed. Just let me call her.”

Before Kinney can stop her, Jazz has her phone out and is getting up to walk outside. Kinney grabs her arm and drags her in the opposite direction, towards the outdoor smoking zone. That way Kinney can call her parents too, without stepping outside and loitering on the street. Drunk people feel a lot more courageous about walking up to a famous kid than sober people do, and the street is lined with bars. 

The cool October air hits her face hard and she blinks at it, taking a second to collect her thoughts. Is she really doing this? She’s never gone over to a friend’s place before - not in Philly. Any time her and the girl gang used to party in Philly, if they had to turn it into a house party, they always ended up at Vada’s place. She was the only one of the four confident enough to invite strangers into her home. 

Sure, she’d gone to house parties abroad but this was Philly. Was she allowed to do this here? It’s not like Jazz and Nick were  _ total  _ strangers - she went to school with them, she’d been mutuals with them on social media for years now and knew the most random facts about them. Plus, the Holly situation. But still…

“Hello, Maa,” she heard Jazz over-enunciate in an effort not to slur. “ _ Tuhade naal gaal karni si _ -”

_Okay, if she’s doing this, then I’m doing this_ , Kinney thinks to herself and whips out her phone.

“Hey, what’s up?” Dad asks her, answering after four rings.

“Er, okay, so don’t get mad -”

“What did you do?”

“I told you not to get mad!”

“Do I need to call the lawyers?”

“Er, not exactly-”

“ _ Not exactly? _ Kinney, I was kidding, what the f-"

“It’s not because I did something bad! It’s for an NDA. I can handle it, I just wanted you to know I’m not coming home.”

“Oh...are you-” she can practically hear him ponder over the next words, and she’s fairly certain she knows what he’s going to ask - if she’s going home with a girl. It’s not a question her family is shy about asking since they’ve cultivated a healthy atmosphere to discuss sex. But she’s pretty sure nobody in her family expects her to even be ready to meet girls yet, let alone go home with them. And having sex while being upset - or  _ because  _ you’re upset? Big warning sign in the Hale household.

“It’s not like that. It’s a four-person house party. I’m just going over to a friend’s place.”

“Hold on.”

She hears him put the phone down on a surface - a table? - and him talking to her Mom. In the background, Jazz continues speaking to her mother. After a minute or so, she hears her Dad pick up the phone again.

“Okay, well you have a copy of the NDA on your iCloud, right?” 

Yes, she does. All the kids who decided to opt out of having a bodyguard were made to keep copies of NDAs on themselves - and to promise to inform either a parent, a sibling, or a member of security when they asked someone to sign one. That way it could get processed as quick as possible and if the family or security felt like it was a bad idea, they could shut it down. The security and legal team were used to receiving calls from Kinney in different time zones when she made people sign NDAs while she was abroad - sometimes even having to send translated versions of the contracts. 

“How are you guys travelling? Do you need to me send a car - or I can come there and give you guys a lift-”

“Er, hold on.” 

She covers the speaker by pressing her phone to her stomach and taps Jazz on the shoulder.

“ _Ek second, Maa_ \- yeah?”

“How are we going to your place?”

“I was going to call an Uber, if that’s okay.”

Kinney gives her a thumbs up and puts her phone back to her ear.

“We’re taking a cab. Don’t worry, we’re in a group.”

“Fine, but I want you to text me the cab details. And text us when you reach your friend’s place and their address, too! And their num-”

“Okay, yeah, bye,” she hangs up before he starts acting like she’s a ten year old going for her first sleepover. 

Two seconds later she gets a message from her Mom on the 3-person chat thread she has going with her parents:

_ [Mom]: HAVE FUN!!!!!. _

It's followed by a combination of the party popper and fireworks emojis. Another text pops up.

_ [Dad]: Stay safe!  _

“Will do,” she replies back, sliding her phone into her jacket. She decides to wait for Jazz to finish talking, because this entire thing is pointless if her parents say no. However, when Jazz puts her phone away, she’s smiling.

“Okay, they said they’re cool with signing an NDA but if they have questions they might ask to call your parents...or your lawyers, yeah?”

“Yeah, that’s okay,” Kinney smiles, and then the smile widens when Jazz links arms with her and drags her back inside. As soon as they reach the table, Jazz’s expression has Nick smacking the surface with delight. Holly claps with a squeal. Jazz waves excitedly for the check, and when it arrives, she snatches it right out of Kinney’s hands.

“I think not,” she snorts, reaching for her purse. “We bullied you into coming out. You’re not paying.”

“Yeah, besides, you’re not even working right now,” Nick waves his finger. Kinney decides to let this slide because he’s drunk.

“You guys know who I am right?” She tries to wrestle the check back. “I’ve got this. Really.”

“Then you can pay for the alcohol we pick up for the house,” Jazz shoots back, giving the check one hard tug and quickly handing her card to the waiter. 

Kinney tried to reach for it but Nick yanks her down into her chair. “Sit your ass down.”

It doesn’t take long before they're out the door and cramming themselves into an Uber. Kinney doesn’t refute when Nick calls shotgun, deciding to squeeze herself in the back. Holly happily takes the middle seat, letting Jazz close her eyes for a few seconds on her shoulder. Kinney’s head starts to lean to take the other shoulder but just as her hair touches Holly’s sweater, the driver presses down on the horn and Kinney comes back to her senses.

_ What are you doing?  _ The voice in her head yells.  _ A pretty girl laughs and drinks with you and touches your mouth as a joke and you think you can just cuddle into her? Stop this.  _

But it’s so tempting. There’s something hollow opening up inside Kinney’s chest, sucking away her buzz, sucking away her smile, and making her skin feel itchy. She hates admitting it but it aches. She misses it.

Not just being loved or the sex, or someone waking you up with a kiss. It’s the intimacy. It’s knowing that the air around you is warm because someone else’s body heat is close. It’s knowing that you can reach across that space and find a kiss, a hug, a smile if you need it. It’s knowing that you’re not alone. 

And Holly is so  _ warm  _ and she smells like that nutty shampoo she was smelling like that night and - Kinney sighs deeply, pressing her forehead against the window instead, ignoring the slight vibration of the glass along with the car engine. 

Either her eyes end up closing of their own accord or she’s so deep in thought she doesn’t even notice when they reach, but the next thing Kinney knows, something warm is covering her hand. She looks down to see Holly’s fingers wrapped around hers. She was right. It  _ is  _ very warm.

“We’re here,” Holly says, sliding out of the car, taking the warmth with her. Kinney slides along like a magnet, taking a few seconds to wake herself up. Nick is stretching with his foot resting on the fence surrounding the house they’ve stopped in front of. Jazz is leaning into the open passenger window, waiting to make sure the payment goes through. Once it’s done, she thanks and waves the driver goodbye. 

“Okay, Holly and I are going to get a change of clothes,” Nick says. “See you back at your place in half an hour? You guys can sort out the booze and NDA stuff until then?”

Jazz interlinks her and Kinney’s arms again, dragging them in the opposite direction. 

“Where are we going?” Kinney asks. 

“There’s a 24-hour convenience store around the corner. We’ll pick up some booze from there. And then we’ll get to my place. We can even pick up some snacks, because my parents keep mostly Indian snacks in their kitchen and the barn - that’s where I stay - has nothing. I’ve been way too lazy with grocery shopping this week.”

“I don’t mind Indian snacks. Do you have  _ khatta meetha -  _ er, only if your parents are okay with us raiding their kitchen.”

“Shut  _ up _ ! You do  _ not  _ like  _ khatta meetha _ ,” Jazz squeals. “I love it so much! I finished theirs so we can pick up some more. I didn’t know you liked Indian snacks!”

“I do! I lived in Mumbai when I was -” her voice catches.  _ When I was with Mina.  _ Mumbai was one of the many cities they travelled to. 

It had all been Mina’s idea. When they’d been seniors in college, Mina had opted for an exchange program, choosing to finish her senior year in Glasgow. Kinney had thought it was a good idea - not because her and Mina were dating, but because it genuinely seemed like an excellent plan. Glasgow would’ve provided her so much inspiration for her final thesis as a scriptwriting and film major. Besides, she’d been dying to tour Europe and she knew Scotland and Wales had some amazing haunted tours. 

Both the girls had finished their senior year in Scotland, and for their two year anniversary, Mina asked Kinney to travel the world with her. Kinney agreed without hesitation.  Kinney’s family? Not so much. 

See, it wasn’t that she wanted to travel indefinitely with her girlfriend. Kinney had the luck of supporting parents and the privilege of money that allowed her to do that. It was that Kinney was asking to be relieved of a bodyguard to do it. A year in Glasgow had slowly made her realise that moving around Europe was not as hard as moving around the United States. People barely recognised her and the ones who did were never rude - well, nothing that she couldn’t handle like a normal person dealing with a rude stranger. 

It wasn’t an easy fight. Initially, it was just inside the Hale House. Then it spread among all the kids. The older ones didn’t mind their bodyguards. But they were friends with SFO - or romantically involved with them. It wasn't that way with the younger kids and SFE, even when they became SFO. 

Of course, Xander liked having a bodyguard. Tom and Eliot needed them. But the other kids sided with Kinney. Vada wasn’t famous outside of BMX or academic circles. Audrey was social media famous but not enough to not be alright on her own. It was only Winona and Ben who kept their bodyguards - purely because they often went on middle-of-nowhere hikes and conservation tours, and it was safer to have someone looking out for them.

At first, the girls were convinced that their parents wouldn’t agree. Perhaps they wouldn’t have, if SFE hadn’t vouched for them to SFA. Kinney’s bodyguard herself admitted how little work she did in Glasgow, eventually spending more time off-duty than she did on. Audrey’s guard said that she was good at handling people and because she had a public image of being a romantic sweetheart - most of her fans were also romantic sweethearts.  None of them were in any danger that a normal person wouldn’t be. 

The compromise they reached was simple - the kids could choose to relieve their guards, but would have to agree to temp guards at large scale public and family events. If there was even a single incident that resulted from them being famous, they would have to hire their guards back, no excuses. The rule about NDAs was instated. And, lastly, to be careful and vigilant - to remember that they were used to not noticing certain things because they were comfortable in the thought that someone else was. They would have to start looking out for themselves. And, Aunt Rose and Uncle Ryke insisted they take self defence lessons. 

It took almost two months after graduation to win them over and get their approval, but once she had it, Kinney and Mina were off, with no intentions of ever looking back. 

First they backpacked through Europe, ending their trip with a two-month stay in Paris. Then, six months in Johannesburg where Mina did an internship and Kinney worked on a short film. After that, they stopped in Mumbai for a film festival and ended up staying for three months. A month in Mexico, two in Rio. Their last stop was Tokyo for four months. 

They were supposed to go to Busan after that, which was supposed to be the most special part of their trip. It’s where Mina’s parents lived, and after dating for almost four years, she had been toying with the idea of them settling down somewhere. She didn’t know where, but she knew she didn’t want to stop living with her. She wanted to be together, wherever they ended up. She would've even been okay moving around, exploring the world hand-in-hand for the rest of their lives.

But the week before they were meant to clear out their Airbnb and fly to South Korea, Mina ended things. And it wasn’t their Airbnb host that Kinney was calling happily, but a tearful phone call to Moffy to help her. He hadn’t asked many questions, just texted her the name of the hotel where she could stay for the night - she had been in no position to do anything to get away from this girl who was breaking her heart. But he’d taken care of it. The next day, he was there, with Charlie’s plane, arms wide open to stop his baby sister from falling to pieces. 

“Kinney?” Jazz asked and Kinney blinks. They had reached the convenience store. She feels herself turn red. She totally spaced out mid sentence, and Jazz didn’t even try to interrupt her thoughts or look at her weird.

“Sorry,” Kinney says, grimacing and rolling her eyes. “Apparently my brain leaves me when I drink.”

“It’s cool,” Jazz smiles, a knowing kind of smile that makes Kinney all too aware of the fake expression on her face. “Let’s get some food and drinks, okay?”

Kinney nods and finds herself distracted by Jazz’s easy stream of chatter, talking to her all about Nick and Holly and how they all met. Jazz had apparently been a partial scholarship student at Dalton, and her choice to attend and her hard work had rewarded her with a full scholarship to Berkeley. 

“My family was from the Bay Area. It’s where I grew up. So, I was excited to go back there,” Jazz explains while shoving Fizz cans in the basket. “And then I came back here to work.”

“What about Nick and Holly? Do they live together?,” Kinney asks, sipping from a carton of coconut water. Her dark lipstick leaves a ring around the straw and vaguely she wonders if most of it has rubbed off by now. “Surely they live close if they went to get a change of clothes.”

“Nah, Holly lives closer to Dalton because her dad’s a teacher.”

“Who - oh my god,  _ Mr. Williams?  _ No way! How did I _not_ know this?” Kinney gapes. 

“Yes way! Why? Was he mean to you or something - what? What?” Jazz is demanding but Kinney has literally fallen to the floor and she cannot get up. She thinks she’s either crying or wheezing but she can’t stop laughing. 

“What? Oh my god?”

“Is everything okay down there,  _ beta _ ?” the store owner calls out.

“ _ Kuchh nahin, uncle.  _ We’re good.” Jazz yells back and grabs Kinney’s arm, dragging her up. “You okay there? What’s so funny?”

“My cousin - Audrey? You remember Audrey?”

“Duh.”

“She had the  _ biggest  _ crush on him.”

Jazz snorts. “Didn’t we all?”

“Okay fine, like, even I know he looked nice. So, wait, he’s Holly’s dad? Shit, how did I not know this?”

“Yep,” Jazz says, letting out a huff of air at the ‘p’. “And her dad’s sister is Nick’s mom. They live a couple streets over. And Holly’s always hanging around with us here so she has some clothes over at their place.”

“Imagine if we ever hang out at Holly’s house. Oh my god, imagine if I text Audrey saying I’m  _ inside  _ Mr. William’s house. She’ll  _ kill  _ me. I’m never letting this die.”

“You sound like he’s  _ her  _ celeb crush. How does it feel being on the other side of it, Miss Hale?”

Kinney bursts out laughing again, her shoulders shaking so hard that she has a tough time taking out money from her wallet when it’s time to pay. But she manages, and her and Jazz walk to Jazz’s house. Or rather, Jazz squeals and drags Kinney because the latter can’t stop making up stories about every noise that goes bump in the night. When they make it to her parents’ place, they both can’t stop laughing. 

The porch light turns on and a woman stands in the doorway, wearing a robe. Immediately, Kinney straightens up, reaching for her phone. She feels a little bad involving Jazz’s parents in this since it’s almost 1 AM, but neither Jazz nor her mother seem bothered. In fact, her mother smiles wide as they approach.

“Hello! You must be Kinney,” she greets, holding out a hand. Kinney shakes it.

“Okay, okay, let’s get this over with, we have a party to start,” Jazz pushes between them. “Kinney, you wanna AirDrop the document so I can print it out?”

“Yep!” Kinney nods. “I usually carry a printout of my own but this was impromptu, so, my bad.”

“It’s cool.  _ Ravinder Chadda’s MacBook _ is where you have to send it.”

Kinney leans against the door, talking to Jazz’s mom while they wait for her to print out the contract. Jazz’s mother is as talkative as her, asking Kinney all about what she does and her travels, and how her family is. It takes Jazz a few minutes to print it out and bring over a pen. She reads it silently before handing it to her mother. 

“It’s fairly basic, nothing unexpected,” Jazz explains. “Basically we can’t keep anything that belongs to her unless she gives it to us - and if she does, we can't sell it. We can’t advertise that she’s here. And we can’t tell anybody about anything that happens on the property that involves her unless she gives permission.”

Jazz’s mother nods, reading it once for herself, and then signing it at the bottom. Kinney smiles and takes her copy. 

“Thank you so much, Mrs. Chadda.”

“Of course, dear. If I had permission to get parents to sign NDA’s when Jasmeet was in school, I’d have done it. But this girl won’t let me interfere in her life.”

“Blah, blah, okay,  _ bye maa _ ,” Jazz says, grabbing their packet of food again - which looks suspiciously bulkier.

“What do you have  - did you pick up  _ chikki  _ from the kitchen. Again?  _ Aa idhhar _ -” her mother starts but Jazz runs out of the house, giggling. Her mother shakes her head and laughs. “ _ Yeh ladki bhi na.  _ Anyway, you kids have fun! And let your parents know everything went well, okay?”

Kinney completely forgot that she has to do that, so she thanks Jazz’s mother for reminding her. As soon as the door closes, Kinney kneels on the porch and scans the NDA onto her phone. Then she attaches it to an email addressed to the legal team and her parents, followed by a text on the group thread she has with them.

_ [Kinney]:Reached. Attaching Jazz’s (her actual name’s Jasmeet) contact stuff. Address is included in the NDA. Night! _

After a few seconds, she adds a crescent moon and ghost emoji. 

Her parents’ response is immediate. 

_ [Dad]: cool _

_ [Mom]: YAYYY OK HAVE FUN! _

She’s about to step off the porch when she sees an unknown figure approaching from the other side. 

As they get closer, Kinney notices it’s a person with long hair up in a ponytail, a _LOVE YOURSELF_ hoodie, and features that look almost exactly like Jazz's. Must be Jazz’s sibling. The person stops when they notice Kinney, squinting for a second, and then their eyes widen. Their bag drops on the porch step, mouth open in shock.

_ Shit.  _

“You’re - you’re Kinney Hale.”

“Ah - well, you are not wrong.”

“AJ! Go away!” Jazz’s voice comes back. She’s left the food and booze in the barn, and switched her heels for flip-flops. She’s also stomping towards them with a mission.

“Sorry, Kinney. If I had known my sister would annoy you, I’d have sent you to the barn way earlier.”

“Thanks a lot,” AJ says, and then turns to Kinney. “I’m not creeping, but I  _ was  _ wondering if I could take a selfie with you.”

“Er -”

“No, no selfies. No nothing.  Mummy  signed a contract, so if I see you taking any pictures or tweeting anything, your ass is going to jail.”

That’s not true, strictly, since she’d actually get a cease and desist notice first. And, they’d probably come to an agreement, but Kinney doesn’t want to get in the middle of it. God knows she gets pissed when someone steps in while she’s threatening her siblings. 

“Relax, it’s not for the world. It’s for me," AJ sneers at Jazz.

“No, sorry, no pictures,” Kinney says and feels bad when AJ’s face drops. _Fuck. What would Moffy do?_ “But, I can sign something, as long as you know that the contract prevents you from selling it or tweeting a picture of my autograph.”

“Kinney, you don’t have to,” Jazz frowns. “That’s not why I invited you here.”

“Really??” AJ asks, her eyes widening, eyebrows lifting with excitement. 

“ _ Amanjot!”  _ Jazz chastises. So that's what AJ stands for.

“Yeah,” Kinney ignores Jazz. “Is there anything specific or just a piece of paper?”

“I -  _ wait,  _ oh my god, of all the luck,” AJ rambles, turning to her fallen backpack and moving things around. A minute later, she's pulling out something colourful. Kinney recognises it immediately. It’s a Sorin-X comic. Kinney grins. Signing Halway comics is one of her favourite things to do, because it’s always a reminder of how her parents built something out of nothing. AJ hands her a marker and Kinney signs the back of the comic and hands it back to her. 

“Thank you so much! I swear, I won’t share it with anyone.”

“No worries. Cool BTS hoodie, by the way.”

“Oh shit, you like BTS?” AJ asks, her eyes wider.

“I like some of their stuff. I retweet k-pop stuff sometimes or put Spotify recommendations on my Insta story.”

“Oh my gosh, I know, I started stanning Blackpink and Loona because of you! I didn’t know you were into boy groups!”

“I like some, but not as much as girl groups-”

“Okayyyyy,” Jazz butts in, grabbing Kinney’s arm and dragging her down the steps. “Anyway, we have a party to start. Good _ bye  _ AJ!” 

“Bye!” AJ waves as Kinney laughs. A second later there’s a surprised gasp.

“WAIT, YOU’RE NOT ON STAN TWITTER ARE YOU?!” she hears AJ yell.

“IF I WAS I WOULDN’T TELL YOU!” Kinney yells back, and then hurries off after Jazz. 

* * *

 

Jazz’s barn looks nothing like a barn on the inside. While she hasn’t changed the rustic aesthetic of the walls, the shelves for tools have been converted into storage units. There is a kitchenette installed in one corner, and a door that presumably leads to a bathroom on the back end. There’s a desk in one corner, with a pin-board covered with papers and polaroids above it. In the middle of the room is a rug and a pullout couch against the wall. There's a ladder beside the couch that leads to a loft bed installed above it. Across from the couch is a television and a PlayStation. 

A bundle of clothes comes flying towards her and she catches it in time. It’s a pair of sweatpants and a baggy Berkeley t-shirt. 

“You can use the bathroom to change if you want,” Jazz is talking while emptying snacks into bowls. “There’s, like, makeup remover and skincare stuff in there too, if you want to use.”

Kinney nods and takes off her boots, noticing that Jazz’s barn is a no-shoes place. She pads over to the bathroom in her socks and shuts the door behind her. She doesn’t usually worry over make-up and skincare when she’s at a party, but if she has the chance, she’ll take it. It takes her fifteen minutes to scrub off all her makeup and throw on some of Jazz’s nice smelling toner and face cream. 

“Woah, this smells fantastic,” Kinney is mumbling to herself while walking out, rubbing some of the leftover cream into her skin and sniffing the back of her hand. 

“Holy shit,” Nick is gaping at her. 

“What?” Kinney huffs, putting her hands on her waist.

“Nothing!” he shakes his head. He’s also changed into a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. “Just that I’ve never seen you without makeup - not without a filter, anyway.”

“Yup, this is bareface Kinney Hale,” she waves at herself and then throws herself down on the couch. 

“You look nice,” Holly’s head pops in front of her and Kinney nearly dies of a heart attack on the spot. She hadn’t noticed that Holly was sitting on the loft bed. She’s got glasses on now, and all her makeup is off as well. Not to mention, her hair isn’t in a bun anymore, and because she’s upside down, it’s falling in caramel waves, filling up Kinney’s vision.

“Not that I don’t like the goth look,” Holly continues. “You definitely pull it off. But this is cute, too.”

“Ditto,” Kinney says, poking Holly’s freckled nose. Holly scrunches it and then disappears again. A second later, she drops down, her pastel green night dress fluttering from the force of her hitting the ground. She sits on the couch beside Kinney, taking a sip of water from a bottle. 

It doesn’t take long to get the party started, but it’s not so much a party as just them sitting and talking about things. Now that the atmosphere is more mellow and they've sobered a little, they pick up some of the conversations they left hanging at the bar. Within an hour, though, it starts to dwindle. It’s blatantly obvious that as much as Nick and Jazz want to party, they’re tired after a long work day. Nick plays only one round of cards before he’s nodding off and the girls have to toss him onto his sleeping bag. 

After he falls asleep, they take turns playing FIFA for a while, and talking softly over their drinks. But after a few rounds even Jazz is rubbing her eyes. When she can’t contain her fourth yawn, Kinney pauses the game.

“Go and sleep, Jazz.”

“No,” she pouts. “I feel bad. I made such a big deal about you coming over and now there isn’t even a real party happening.”

Kinney laughs and pulls her up.

“That NDA can be extended to other times I come over. This isn’t the last time we’re hanging out. Besides, we did have a really nice night while we were out. Come on.”

She drags Jazz to the ladder and practically pushes her up to the loft. It takes a few minutes, so by the time she’s done and climbs done, the table has been moved away. Holly’s opening up the pull out and Kinney helps her do it. They clear away some of the food wrappers in silence. Kinney finishes her drink in two gulps while Holly is fishing a phone charger out of her bag.

“Are you sleepy?” Holly’s whisper drifts over while she plugs her phone in.

“Not really. I could kind of use another drink.”

“Me too. Hold on.”

Holly walks over and pours a little bit of the remaining rum in two Fizz Life cans. Handing one to Kinney, she walks out of the barn. The two of them walk quietly to a swing set that’s in the backyard of the Chadda’s house. They both sit on it, using their heels to slightly move it back and forth.

“What are you going to do now?” Holly whispers, holding her can over her knee as she leans back into the swing. 

Kinney waves her can in front of her face. “Uh...drink?”

“Clever. I meant in life. No pressure or anything...just curious. Are you still making films?”

“You follow my film channel?” Kinney asks, turning to watch Holly’s reaction. She smiles a little sheepishly, her head tilting forward and some of her hair falling in her face. Kinney’s fingers burn to move it out of the way. Her hand clenches tightly around the Fizz Life can, so tight she’s sure she’s going to accidentally dent it. 

The thing is, aside from her family and Mina, she’s never talked to anyone in real life about her films. Sure, she talked to her professors and classmates about her assignments but none of her personal work. She started the channel only after graduating. She interacts a lot with the people who leave comments and on her Twitter feed, but she’s never had the chance to speak to someone in person who's completely unbiased. It makes her sit up straighter, both apprehensive but excited at the same time.

“I do,” Holly nods after taking a small sip. “I think you’ve got a lot of potential.”

“Potential,” Kinney whispers after a quiet moment. 

“Yeah, potential.” Holly turns on the swing, bringing her feet on top of it, facing Kinney properly. “I’m not going to pretend your work is flawless and lie to you. Besides, I don’t blame you. I mean you’re still figuring out your shooting and editing style, and that’s okay. It can get better.”

Kinney nods, looking down. Holly isn’t wrong. Kinney  _ does  _ have a lot to work on. A part of her is tempted to say:  _ Yeah, but those were just fun travel edits, I wasn’t even really trying.  _ But she doesn’t want to make it sound like an excuse. The fact is that she didn’t put 100% into them, and if that reflects in the final product, then it’s her own fault. 

“But,” Kinney looks up to see Holly slide closer while she talks. “Your raw footage is amazing. Which is why I think you have potential. The things you choose to capture, they show parts of you I haven’t seen anywhere else.”

“Are you saying I’m fake?” Kinney frowns. “Because I’m not. Just because I’m not a stereotype-”

“I never said that. I don’t mean it like the side you show the world  _ isn’t  _ Kinney. I mean that the stuff you put into your films is  _ also  _ Kinney. There’s different Kinneys in there,” Holly mumbles, pressing her fingers to Kinney’s temple. They’re cold to the touch, wet from the sweating Fizz can, and make Kinney’s face feel warmer. Once again, she’s lucky that she’s in the dark or Holly would see her flush red. 

_ Stop blushing around her, you’re being weird.  _

“Different Kinneys,” she repeats after Holly

“Yeah. Like there’s the Kinney who would punch someone in the face. But I’ve also seen the Kinney who defends her family against the world. There’s the Kinney who decided she was going to make some friends today and came along with them because even though she has good reason not to trust people, she badly wants to.”

Kinney’s lips are going dry and her head feels dizzy as Holly moves a little closer, her voice dropping to a whisper. Her heart is beating inside her chest like a raindrum. 

“There’s the Kinney who sees pain in the world and wants to take it away. I know it. You notice things other people don’t, and you’ve got the world thinking just because you’re loud, you’re ignorant and shallow but you’re not. Your footage shows that. Who else notices a little boy on the side of the road feeding chickens, or a dog pawing at a cat in a drainage system, or the smile of a tea-stall vendor from a distance? You  _ see  _ the world. Hell, you even try to see things none of us can. Ghosts, fairies, elves? Lonely creatures in the dark who you want to look at and shout,  _ I’m here, I see you, you’re not alone.  _ You’re Kinney Hale. You see the world, because there’s a whole world inside you.”

_ Fuck, I can’t breathe,  _ Kinney’s voice is blaring inside her head. She can  _ feel  _ her pulse in her temples, under her jaw, in the hollow of her elbow, because  _ fuck, fuck, fuck, what is this, why is she saying these things, why is she glowing without makeup, why is she looking unreal, why is she so close, why is she so close, why am I so far? _

“I -” Kinney’s voice croaks. “I thought you said you didn’t know me.”

“I never said that. I said you should show there’s more to you if you want the world to know you. I didn’t say I’d never seen it.”

Holly clears her throat and scoots back and Kinney breaks their gaze, taking three massive gulps of her drink. It’s almost the end of the can and she can taste how bitter the settled alcohol is but the taste on her tongue makes her thoughts scatter for a bit. 

“So, yeah,” Holly grins, as if nothing just happened. “You going to make more films?”

“Maybe. I don’t know,” Kinney looks down, taking off the borrowed flip flops to sink her feet into the cool grass. “I haven’t really had any muse off-late.”

Holly doesn’t ask why. Kinney knew she wouldn’t. Maybe that’s why she admitted it. 

“Where did your muse first come from?”

“What do you mean? I’ve always liked telling stories.”

“No,” Holly shakes her head. “How did you decide you want to tell stories  _ through films _ ? ”

“Because of my siblings,” Kinney doesn’t hesitate to say. “I started telling stories with Luna when we were kids. She’d read out her fics to us and I’d imagine a detail or headcanon and tell her about it, and she’d decide if she wants to add it. And Xander, I -”

Kinney hesitates here. She doesn’t want to divulge. 

It’s known fact that Xander is quiet, and it’s been suspected in the media that he has depression. Nobody from the family made a statement but some people wonder, because he sometimes shares links on mental health awareness or mentions a character suffering from issues when he tweets about a movie he watched. Sometimes, people come up with “theories” about it. In those moments, Kinney has to tweet some pretty blatant indirects that you can’t “headcanon” or “theorise” a real person’s mental health just for likes. Xander isn’t a character as much as he may seem like one to the people who only know him on a screen.  But, he also played a huge part in her figuring out how she wants to tell visual stories. 

But she can’t say it. Not when the most retrospective moment was when she thinks back to that day -  _ god,  _ she can’t even say the words. Not when it remains one of the scariest days of her life. Her parents even made her go to therapy for it because she was never been the same again. It was like her entire world had been reduced to one moment and then shattered into multiple confusing pieces after. The fear of losing Mina, the fear of being left alone? It’s a tiny dot compared to the oceans of fear she's had for Xander. She’ll stay alone in a cell forever if it means keeping Xander going. She shakes her head, trying to clear the thoughts of it. 

_ Don’t think bad things, don’t think bad things. _

“Kinney?” Holly asks, resting her hand on Kinney’s shoulder.

“Sorry,” she clears her throat, squeezing the pain down and smirking. “Spaced for a second...  _ fuck  _ I’m drunk. What was I saying?”

“You were talking about your brother,” Holly says in a soft voice.

“Right. Xander. You know how Xander isn’t very vocal right?” Kinney continues, lungs squeezing. She hides how her hand is shaking by curling her fingers on the edge of the swing.  “People always ask me about him. Sometimes I’ll tweet a short message about what he’s doing. Sometimes, when he’s cool with it, I might post an Insta picture with a caption. But every time I try to write the caption, it just doesn’t happen. Nothing captures him enough. Words are not enough for my brother, and - and -”

“You have to see him to know him.”

Kinney smiles. The vice around her chest loosens a little.

“Exactly. That got me thinking of visual narratives, stories that need to be seen to be understood. I started realising that everytime Luna told her stories I’d be imagining them in a cinematic way. Or how sometimes a movie botches its cinematography and I get annoyed, like very annoyed. Hell, when someone texts me something that’s completely ridiculous and I can’t find words to express myself, I use emojis. I’m a visual person.”

“How did Moffy - sorry, Maximoff," Holly stutters for the first time, looking sheepish. "Sorry, I’m used to people calling him Moffy online.”

“It’s okay, he doesn’t mind.”

“How did Moffy help you?”

“Well, he’s the one who really put the concrete idea into my head. We were having a movie marathon and I was whining about a particular shot, and he joked that I should’ve made the movie instead. It happened a few weeks before I was thinking of applying to colleges and...I was going to put my major as  _ undecided  _ on my applications. But after he said it, it kind of cemented the idea. I figured I would just switch majors if I didn’t like it but I ended up falling in love with it.”

_ And more.  _

“So, has it always been about just taking footage? You could still take footage now. You’ll never know until you film something you can make something out of.”

“I - I just can’t. I always have some kind of a skeleton script in my head when I start filming. It might change depending on what I shoot, but I need a script to go off and I can’t bring myself to write these days.”

“Your scripts are just as important as your cinematography then,” Holly says. The expression on her face is a little impressed. “I thought it was just visual.”

“No, I always give equal importance to both. I want me films to be accessible, so even if someone can’t hear it, they don’t miss out on the visual story. And if someone can’t see it, they need to be able to know the story through the words and music. And right now, I can barely put together either.”

“How did you write your first script?” Holly asks, swinging her feet. 

“In class,” Kinney admitted. “It was one of those _write dialogue from a prompt_ things our professor gave us. And I got an idea and ran with it.”

Holly nods and then, to Kinney’s surprise yawns.

“You’re sleepy!” Kinney says, standing up. “Have you been sleepy this whole time?”

“No.” Holly is shaking her head and finishing the last of her drink, shaking the can in Kinney’s direction. “This one did the job.”

“Come on, let’s just go to bed.”

“But  _ you’re  _ not sleepy.”

“I’ll listen to music. I have in-ear headphones in my purse.”

She can tell Holly is about to complain, so she takes her wrist and pulls her towards the barn. Kinney can see how muscular Holly’s arms are, not to mention she's heavier and taller than her. If the other girl wasn’t sleepy or buzzed, she’d easily beat Kinney in a fight. But Holly is not only tired but she’s also smiling as she trudges along behind her. The glass panel on the barn door filters in a shaft of moonlight and the girls use that to navigate to either side of the pull out couch.

“You don’t have a side, do you?” Kinney whisper-hisses. “Because I always take right.”

“I do.”

“Well, you’re not getting the right side, I don’t care if you make those pretty puppy eyes at me.”

“I don’t have to,” Holly whisper-hisses back, sliding under a sheet. “My side is left. But thanks for calling my eyes pretty. I'll keep that in mind when I want something.”

Kinney opens and shuts her mouth a few times and Holly takes the chance to yank her down onto the bed. It makes a squeaky sound and they both have to cover their mouth and hold their breath to make sure they don’t wake Nick or Jazz. 

When neither of them stir, Holly giggles quietly before pressing her face into her pillow. Kinney reaches for her purse to bring out her headphones, and scrolls through her Spotify playlists until she settles on one. It’s not a playlist she’s touched in almost ages - to be honest, she’d almost forgotten about it. She’d never really had the time to sit and give all her playlists attention while she travelled, but now, it’s almost glinting at her. It’s titled: _moonbeams and the taste of magic._

She looks over at Holly while her finger hovers over the phone. 

The moonlight is falling right on the other girl’s face, and Kinney can see her eyelid fluttering, as if her body knows there’s a source of annoyance but her brain isn’t quite willing for her to wake up. Kinney rolls over, folding her pillow in half so that she’s propped a little higher, cutting off the offending beam of light. Holly’s features smoothen instantly, and she makes a content noise.

“Night, night, Kinney,” Holly mumbles under her breath. “Dream pretty dreams.”

Kinney presses the ‘play' button the list.

“Goodnight, Holly.”

* * *

 

It’s been a month since that night she went out with her new friends, and it’s glaringly obvious that her family is trying to not be visibly smiley around her. They know the moment that they start cooing at her (her mother) or making some grinning sarcastic comments (her father) she’s going to become self conscious and start frowning and wallowing all over the place. 

But the truth is she’s caught herself smacking her lips with satisfaction when she puts on her lipstick in the morning, or shimmying her hips when a particularly catchy song plays on her shuffle. Sometimes, she’ll instinctively send a plethora of emojis on her family’s groupchat, or notice her parents doing a movie marathon and flop down on the armchair beside them to join in. 

Two nights ago, Kinney had been sitting on top of the kitchen counter at 4 A.M reading _The Shining_ \- an annual tradition she’s actually abandoned for four years. She was cross-legged on the island. Frodo, the family’s golden retriever and Gotham’s successor, was leaning against her for company. Her mother had come downstairs for a glass of water and nearly yelled her head off when she found Kinney sitting in the dark.

“Shouldn’t you be used to finding me awake at odd hours by now?”

“It’s not my fault,” her mother had gulped at air, her hand pressed to her chest. “The house has been empty for some time now, you know.”

“Boo,” Kinney had deadpanned and gone back to reading. She had acted like she didn’t see her mother’s face break out into a wide smile that she attempted to hide with both her hands before she drank her water and hurried back upstairs.

Today, Kinney finds herself tugging at a particularly unruly chunk of hair that refused to cooperate. No matter how much she's teased it to look messy, it lays flat. Curse her parents’ perfect hair genes. Abandoning the effort, she tugs on her clothes. 

She isn’t wearing anything particularly out of character - just a black full sleeved t-shirt paired with a denim skirt and sheer tights. But she's still aiming to impress. It's a full family lunch today - and by full family, it means mostly the parents and whichever kids can make it. 

Well, it's a full family lunch every alternate Sunday but Kinney has been bailing on those for weeks. The few times she’d been wrestled into going, she hadn’t contributed much. Today, she's planning on making a whole damn pitch. This thing she wants to discuss has been brewing in her mind since the day Holly forced her to explore her film making motivations. It's been a thought that's echoed in her mind with every YouTube comment she responds to - an echo that turned into an idea, and then into a plan, and finally a concrete enough one that she wishes to share it today.

“Come on, we’re leaving,” Dad knocks on her door and sticks his head in. 

Kinney nods at her reflection, then at him, and then follows him out the door. In the foyer, her mother is dropping kisses on Frodo’s head, wagging her finger at him and probably telling him to be a “good boy”. Frodo bows his head and hugs her feet, quite attentive. Kinney ignores this entire display, hopping over both mother and dog, and walking down the driveway. 

Behind her parents’ cars, beside hers, is the Abbeys’ car. Uncle Garrison leans against the driver's side, arms crossed, chewing gum. He’s wearing a dark hoodie and sunglasses, and since the latter is warranted, she wonders how he’s not sweltering in the former. Then again, she understands aesthetic, so she has respect for him. He throws her a peace sign which she responds to with the heavy-metal Satan fingers.

Beside him, Aunt Willow is leaning down to tie one of her shoelaces, using her elbow to keep her glasses from sliding off her nose. Uncle Garrison seems to be aware that this is happening because he looks down and holds a finger against the bridge of the frame, keeping them in place so his wife can peacefully complete the simple task of fixing her shoes. 

On the street, Aunt Rose has broken out the golf-cart she usually brings out for these occasions. Well, at least on days when it’s not happening at the Cobalt Mansion. The aunt in question is seated in the driver’s seat, sunglasses perched on her nose as well. She’s wearing a rather stunning shade of red lipstick and a cream blouse paired with grey pants. Beside her, Uncle Connor is scrolling on his phone, whisper-reading something out to her. Kinney can’t tell if it’s serious or not but she’s not too concerned because on the second row of seats is Ben. He’s awkwardly folded himself into a single person space but his face lights up when he sees Kinney.

“Hi!” he says, attempting to scoot closer but getting his shoe stuck. It nearly topples him over and Kinney snorts.

“Smooth as ever.” He turns a little red at her words, which is alarming since she can now see that  _ most  _ of his face is red and peeling. 

“What the hell happened to you?” She’s tempted to poke at his face but stops when she sees his eyes widen in fear. He swats her hand down. The back of his hand looks normal, as does his neck and what little of his shoulders she can see from his loose t-shirt. It’s just his face that looks chapped.

“I didn’t wear enough sunscreen on the expedition.” He means the Antarctica trip he’s been on for the past month. 

“That’s why you don’t buy sunscreen off Instagram,” Dad's voice filters in as he slides into the third row of seats. Mom slides in beside him, while Aunt Willow and Uncle Garrison take the open rear-end seats. 

“I stopped doing that,” Ben reminds them. His expression makes it seem like he’s going to be judged for being a sell out. “This one was store bought, SPF 50+ and everything. But it was really cold and bright.  _ And  _ I wasn’t the only one who got wind-burn.”

“Did you see any penguins?” Mom leans between them, her eyes shining with excitement. Then they widen and she gasps. “Did you see anything other worldly?”

“Yes!” Ben nods, turning a bit to look at her. “Otherworldly  _ beauty.  _ It’s so beautiful, Aunt Lily-”

“It’s ice. You can open the freezer for that, free of cost,” Uncle Garrison calls out from the back.

“The water and electricity don’t come free,  _ technically, _ ” Uncle Connor says over his shoulder before going back to reading whatever he was reading. 

“I meant reasonable cost, oh great one,” Uncle Garrison grumbles. “Not all of us choose to power a 10-bedroom  _ empty _ house.”

“It’s  _ not  _ empty,” Aunt Rose hisses. “Jane and Thatcher and the kids are staying tonight, aren’t they? As is Ben. Let the kids be done with college and it’ll be full again.”

“Not this fight again, please,” Aunt Willow grumbles, tugging on her husband's hoodie so he drops it. Uncle Garrison shrugs and turns back to face the road. Ben is still rambling about the beauty of Antarctica and while Kinney's mom is nodding at every word, she can see her confusion too.

“Pretty sure Mom meant my type of otherworldly, Ben,” she pats his shoulder sympathetically. “Not the natural kind.”

“Nature  _ is  _ otherworldly,” he continues. Even though they’ve reached the Meadows’ Cottage, he whips out his phone and starts scrolling through pictures that he shows her mother. 

In the Meadows’ driveway, the Morrettis’ and Moffy’s car takes up a large amount of space. Kinney can hear the voices of kids so she sneaks up behind the cars and peeks around. The sight before her makes her chest ache with a happy kind of sadness - or is it a sad kind of happiness? She can’t tell. All she knows is that it feels like there’s something huge growing inside her chest and she both loves and hates it.

Beside the cars, two boys are playing with Beyblades - a piece of merchandise that came back into production after a reboot series a couple of years ago. Moffy is sitting cross-legged on the driveway, filming them on his phone, a grin on his face. One of the boys is impossible to mistake as anyone but Sulli and Akara’s son. He’s got the dark brown Hale hair but his face is 100% Akara. Across from him is a kid with dark black hair and brown skin, his grin showing off his missing tooth. 

“BOO!” Kinney jumps from behind them and both boys yell in surprise, which quickly turns into delight. The black haired, toothless kid runs up to Kinney and throws himself at her knees, black eyes sparkling up at her. 

“AK!” Wayne yells loudly. Kinney had scared him out of calling her Aunt Kinney when he was two and she pretended to be a witch by sprinkling a little bit of water on him.

The other boy runs over too, smacking her held out palm with the hardest high-five he can manage.

“Wow, Anurak” Kinney kneels and looks at him.  “What Beyblade are you using that you knocked poor Wayne’s teeth out?”

“His name isn’t Wayne!” Dad calls from behind him and Wayne does a running jump at his grandfather. He catches the boy with ease, tossing him over his shoulder and tickling his sides, eliciting a shriek of laughter. 

The noise catches someone else’s attention and Kinney hears an ear-piercing shriek from the other side of the driveway. Aunt Daisy sits in the grass, with Sulli and Akara’s daughter, Kannika, standing on wobbly knees in the space between her legs. She’s trying to catch bubbles that her grandmother blows. Her eyes - Akara’s eyes - are wide, but her expression is almost exactly like a photograph of Aunt Daisy’s that Kinney has seen in a photo album. Well, it’s hard to tell. The kid is only a year and and half old after all, and Kinney often sees similarities between her own mother and Aunt Daisy in their baby picture. So, who knows which one she’ll resemble more. 

“His  _ nickname  _ is Wayne, Dad,” Moffy says, dusting his jeans as he puts away his phone. He leans down to pick up the abandoned Beyblades, launchers and arena. He tries juggling all the items, but Uncle Connor catches the arena just as it slips from his hand and continues walking towards the house. 

“His  _ name  _ is Tony,” Dad continues, still tickling the boy in question. “I’m not calling him by a middle name. Middle names are for losers.” 

He pauses for a second before yelling, “No offence, love.” Uncle Connor shakes his head at him. “You wound me,” he calls back.

“Bottom line is,” Dad says while dropping Wayne to his feet. “No kid is going to be named Wayne Hale-Keene. Not on my watch.”

“It’s Keene-Hale, but don’t tell Farrow I corrected you,” Moffy murmurs, frowning at a scratch on one of the toys. He’s rubbing it with his knuckle when Aunt Rose walks by. 

“Also, his  _ name  _ is Antonio, Loren, if you’re being technical.”

“You and your husband are starting to sound more and more alike. Are you merging into each other in that empty mansion of yours?”

“Hilarious,” Aunt Rose crosses her arms. She waits while Kinney's mom and Ben pass by. As expected, Mom runs her fingers through Wayne’s hair and he immediately switches his attention to his grandmother, grabbing her hand and following her. She’s still looking at the pictures Ben is showing her, but she stops to drop a kiss on the cheek for Moffy and an amused expression at Dad.

“I don’t think Jonathan or my parents approved of us naming our kids as if we’re hoarding canon Tumblr urls either, but that didn’t stop us because we’re proud of what they represent. You can’t say anything about how our kids name theirs, Lo.”

“Don’t you know, love?” he smirks at her. “I’m a hypocrite.”

As soon as Mom takes Ben and Wayne into the house, Aunt Rose turns back to Dad.

“You can’t make him feel like there’s something wrong with his name, Loren,” she says, pushing her sunglasses up her face. 

“First of all, I’m referring to him by his given name. Second, he knows I don’t mean it. I’ve told him it’s a running joke and it doesn’t mean I love him any less. Even I call him Wayne sometimes. Chill, Edna.”

“Besides,” Moffy adds, done inspecting the toy. “Bruce Wayne is an awesome person to be referred to as.”

“Let’s not push it,” Dad says, starting to walk into the house. “He’s a stubborn, brooding, snarky -”

“Sounds familiar,” Aunt Rose smiles sarcastically at him. 

“So?" Moffy laughs. "The Maximoff twins work for HYDRA in the MCU, but you still gave me that name. Comic characters are way too layered for you to reduce into one trope.”

“Wait a second,” Aunt Rose has a deep frown on her face. “Lily told me the Maximoff twins are born to a Jewish character. How can they work for HYDRA?”

“Alternate universe,” Kinney volunteers. 

“This so problematic,” Aunt Rose grumbles under her breath, and this time neither her dad nor Moffy disagree. The two men continue their new discussion on problematic comic book behaviour while Aunt Daisy brings over baby Kannika. She immediately shrieks louder and latches onto Aunt Rose’ blouse. The older woman takes the baby, dropping a kiss on her cheek. 

“Hello, little mermaid,” she greets her. 

Aunt Rose has passed on the _little gremlin_ tradition to the grandkids as well, deciding that all of Aunt Daisy’s grandchildren are  _ little mermaids,  _ all the Hale grandkids are  _ little elves,  _ Vada’s future kids are going to be  _ little dragons,  _ and her own grandchildren are  _ little fairies _ . Maria stated she doesn’t want kids and Aunt Rose has vehemently refused to come up with a name for her, even as a backup plan. She doesn’t want to promote the idea that just because she changed her mind about children then others will too.

Kannika yells louder, giggling hard.

“How are your eardrums still functional?” Kinney winces but unable to stop herself from smiling at the happy child. She makes faces at Kannika while she looks over Aunt Rose’s shoulder. Aunt Daisy grins and plants a kiss on Kinney’s cheek, also yelling, “I can’t hear you.”

There’s more people inside the house. Farrow and Banks are helping to set the table, while Uncle Ryke carries out dishes, wearing an apron. He grins when he notices them. Jane and Sulli are sitting in the living room, where child-friendly make up is spread across the coffee table. Akara sits on the floor, eyes closed, while Jane and Thatcher’s five year old son - Holden - does his make up. He’s dressed in a pale yellow button up over jeans and has sunglasses on his head. He looks like a mini stylist. 

“Yes?” he asks out loud. His twin sister - Lydia - looks up immediately from the drawing she’s making while her mother does her hair. Jane has to gently tilt her daughter’s head lower so that she doesn’t ruin the french braid that her hair is being woven into. Jane never breaks from the conversation her and Sulli are engrossed in. 

“Contour?” Lydia asks, looking over her glasses at her brother.

“This one?” he holds up a contour shade. “Or this one?”

Aunt Daisy moves closer to see the colours he’s holding up. She closes one eye, looks at Akara, then back at the options and picks the one in Holden’s left hand. Aunt Rose walks over to see, shakes her head, and picks the one on the right. 

“Isn’t that too light?" Aunt Daisy asks. "The one on the left will make his cheekbones pop more.”

“Definitely, if I was sending him on the runway. But not for everyday, non-stage wear.”

Aunt Daisy huffs and throws herself on the couch beside her daughter. 

“Haute couture and high street are different but valid,” Aunt Rose tells her. “You weren’t wrong. I just don’t think that was the look Holden was going for. Unless, Mr. Kitsuwon would like his cheeks to pop, in which case, who am I to say?”

“Would you like your cheeks to pop?” Holden asks Akara.

“Definitely,” Akara nods. Holden flips open the contour shade that Aunt Daisy had picked. 

Aunt Daisy grins but shakes her head, sighing dramatically. “All those years in the fashion industry and I learnt nothing about makeup. Worst model ever.”

“I heard that!” Uncle Ryke calls from the kitchen, and Sulli turns to shake her head at Aunt Daisy. Aunt Daisy smiles sheepishly. The Meadows Cottage may not have had swear jars but they definitely had an NSS -  “No Self-Slander” - rule. 

Before Aunt Daisy can make an excuse, Kannika shrieks loudly from Aunt Rose’s arms, reaching for Sulli. Akara’s eyes snap open on instinct and he gently moves away from Holden's brush to see if everything is okay. Kinney almost feels bad at him. A kid who’s always yelling bloody murder for every emotion can’t be easy on the heart. He calms down almost immediately when he sees that she just wants Sulli, who readily takes her daughter from Aunt Rose. He turns back to Holden, this time a smile on his face.

“Yep, thank you,” Holden nods, now that Akara’s cheekbones are easier to contour.

“Lunch is ready!” Uncle Ryke calls out, taking off his apron. He points at the cabinet in the corner, and Uncle Connor walks over to it. He pulls out two bottles of wine from it and brings them over to the table. Kinney finds herself wedged between Ben and Moffy but she doesn’t mind, since this is the most crowded Sunday lunch has been in a while. Uncle Ryke has prepared quite the selection - although Kinney knows that he didn’t cook all of it. He just made the starters and ordered the main course and dessert from a catering service. Nobody would make him cook for so many people even though he's good.

There’s idle chatter going all around the table, from Banks and Thatcher having a whispered conversation, to Uncle Connor nodding at a rather animated story Anurak is telling him, and Kinney’s mom feeding Kannika. Uncle Garrison is making a scenery on his plate out of his vegetables while Holden copies him. 

“How did Hanna react to your peeling face?” Moffy asks, gesturing to Ben’s nose. Hanna is Ben’s girlfriend, who couldn’t make it to the lunch because they’re organising a blood donation drive for the NGO they work at.

“They were disappointed but not surprised,” Ben grumbles, stabbing a piece of lettuce. 

“Who’s they?” Lydia asks from across Ben. Jane, who is seated next to her, looks down at her daughter.

“ _ They _ is Hanna, Ben’s girlfriend.”

“Who else?”

“What do you mean?”

“Doesn’t  _ they _ mean many peoples?”

“People. And, yes, it can,” Jane says after finishing the food in her mouth. “But right now it means only Hanna because those are their preferred pronouns.”

Lydia nods for a second, chewing a crouton thoughtfully. She gulps it down and sips water from her plastic cup. Then she turns back to Jane.

“What’s a pronoun?”

“It’s like how I say  _ she  _ for you or  _ he  _ for your brother. You can choose how you want people to call you.”

“You can do that?” 

“Yes, lovebug. If you think it’s what you prefer, then yes.”

“That’s so cool!” Wayne says from beside Lydia. “I know my dads said you can change the way you - the way you id-iden- what’s the word?”

“Identify?” Ben volunteers.

“Yeah! Change the way you identify! But I didn’t know you could change how people called you.”

“You can change both,” Moffy jumps in. “But they’re not related to each other. Like how Hanna wants us to call them _they_ but they still prefer being called Ben’s girlfriend. At the same time, they use more neutral terms in other relationships. They’re both fluid - you remember when I explained fluid, right? I can explain more at home tonight, if you want me to.”

“Yes, please,” Wayne grins at his father with his missing-tooth smile. 

“Speaking of Hanna,” Ben turns to Kinney. “They wanted to know when the next Rainbow Brigade hangout is, because they’re supposed to start planning another food drive and they need to lock dates.”

“I haven’t texted in the Rainbow Brigade thread for ages,” Kinney admits.

“Hanna told me.”

“I’ll just make a new one and send out details. But it probably won’t be for another couple of months.”

This grabs everyone’s attention. Kinney uses the silence that follows to make her announcement. She clears her throat and leans forward. Immediately, her parents’ eyes wander to her. Beside her, Moffy stops cutting his food. 

“So, I’ve been thinking about this for a few weeks now,” Kinney says, running her finger around the base of her wine glass. “And I think I’m going to start research about grad schools.”

The response is greatly varied, from curious to surprised to excited.

“I mean, I know you guys don’t put a lot of faith in grad school-” Kinney points her knife at Uncle Connor and Aunt Rose.

“No,” Aunt Rose says. “Just because it wasn’t for me, doesn’t mean it can’t be for you.”

“She’s right,” Uncle Connor adds, swirling his red wine and taking a sip. “I was in favour of graduate school. I just had to choose between my company and my degree, and I never had the time to go back and finish my MBA. You have no such hindering commitments.”

“You could go back and finish your masters now,” Uncle Ryke points out. “Both of you.”

“I could,  _ mio amico, _ ” Uncle Connor flashes him a smile. “But I think I’m past it now. Kinney, however, it seems is not.”

“What do you want to do?” her mother asks her, propping her chin on her palms with curiosity blazing her green eyes.

“I want to go back to film school, but with a more focused approach this time. I want to get back into making films.”

“Do you have an idea of where you might be looking at?” Thatcher asks. He doesn't usually talk but he's definitely become more inquisitive and talkative after officially becoming a family member. Kinney isn't surprised he's curious about this - he loves information and knowledge. “Are you going to be travelling again?”

“You’re not already leaving are you?” Sulli adds, her eyes wide. Sulli gets the most bummed out when the cousins travel. She travelled so much when she was their age that she sometimes feels like now they’re leaving too, and she’ll never get the chance to hang out with them. But she’s also never negative about it, because her travels taught her so much. 

“No, no,” Kinney shakes her head. “If I go anywhere, I’m not planning on going anywhere far. Definitely on the east coast. And I’m not specific about it being an Ivy League or anything. I just want to go to a school where I can get inspiration from, whether that’s Yale or a community college.”

“That’s a pretty varied selection,” Aunt Willow smiles. “You’ll have tons of material to comb through but it’s a good selection to start narrowing down.”

“Dad?” Kinney asks, noticing how he hasn’t said anything. 

“Yes?”

“Aren’t you going to say anything?”

“Why would I?” he shrugs. “I’m not surprised. I always knew you were going to pick up your camera one day. I was just waiting for when it would be.”

Kinney’s beaming smile is just as wide as Kannika's, who decides to end the conversation by upturning her bowl of mashed peas onto Uncle Ryke.

* * *

 

“So, how did they take it?” Jazz asks through FaceTime later that night. She’s in the top right corner, while Nick and Holly’s frames are on the left side of the screen.

“Pretty well. I knew they would but I was still a little nervous.”

“Your girl gang  _ did  _ tell you that the family would take it well,” Holly points out. Kinney had actually called her first but Holly had happily asked if they could do a group chat instead. Kinney hadn't had the heart to tell her no, even though a small part of her was grated. She wanted to tell  _her_ first, since she was the one who had been behind this entire thing.

“Yeah,” Nick nods. “But she’s allowed to be nervous right? Anyway, now it really starts. What places have you narrowed down.”

“Nothing yet,” Kinney rolls over on her bed, her lips pursed thoughtfully. There's actually space on her bed to do that now, since she's stopped tossing her things everywhere. It was after her first groupchat with her friends and how they'd pointed out her messy nature that Kinney realised how chaotic her room had become, a reflection of her insides. It was only as their eyes had roved over what little they could see on the screen that Kinney had noticed what her family had been seeing and worrying over for a while: decay and devastation. In the month after, her room got a makeover, too.

“What are some of the places you have narrowed down for law school, Jazz? Maybe I can check out their media departments.”

“Don’t fucking tease me!” Jazz yells. “If we end up going to the same place-”

“What are you, in senior year again?” Nick huffs.

“Don’t make me block you, Nicholas."

“You don’t have the guts to-”

His screen immediately goes blank and Kinney gapes at the empty square.

“You did  _ not  _ block him!”

“No, I just removed him from the group call -”

Then Jazz’s screen goes blank too, and if Kinney is guessing, it’s because Nick called her back to yell at her. Holly and Kinney stare at each other’s pictures for a second before bursting out into laughter. 

Kinney doesn't stop smiling for an entire hour after Holly hangs up.

* * *

 

Kinney lets out a pant as she climbs to her third-floor apartment for what feels like the fourth time. Her arms feel like they’re permanently stuck in an L-shaped position as she drops the final carton on the living room floor. The studio is cosy, but it’s definitely got potential to be cosier once Kinney is done setting everything up. 

“You know,” Holly pants behind her, a bead of sweat trailing down her temple. Her face is flushed, her dark brown hair in a bun. It’s only a week-old, her new hair. Or rather, the colour of her original hair that she’s temporarily dyed back to, just to remember what she looks like when she’s not blonde. “You’re only a four hour train ride from Philly, right? An even shorter car ride. You didn’t have to bring  _ everything  _ with you.”

“I’ve heard  _ that  _ argument against Rose a billion times, and it never works, Holly,” Kinney’s father says from the kitchenette, where he’s setting up the fridge. “Might as well drop it.”

“What is  _ in  _ this?” Nick heaves another carton. “Rocks?”

“Yes,” Kinney’s mother nods from the couch, where she’s marking off a checklist.

“Are you serious?”

Kinney points to the label on the side of the box and Nick tilts his head to read it:  _ Crystals, Healing Stones, Candles.  _ He blinks at it and shakes his head, but he’s gentle with the box when he sets it on the floor.

“I think that’s the last one, right?” Kinney asks.

“Yep,” Jazz says, stepping out of the elevator, waving at the smiling repair man inside. “Elevator’s fixed by the way.”

Nick and Holly look like they’re going to cry or faint. Jazz grins at both of them and then steps into the studio, looking around. 

“I still can’t believe you’re going to be here for two years, and you’re not coming with me to NYU. It’s half the distance from Philly compared to Pittsburgh.”

“Learn to live without me for a while. Maybe make friends with Vada,” Kinney winks at her.

“My family’s minivan that moved half your shit say thanks.”

“Thank you, Jazz,” Mom calls from the couch. “We could’ve called movers but this was really sweet.”

“No worries, Mrs. H. We had to say a proper bye to Kinney after all.” 

Kinney’s dad stands up and checks the fridge once more to make sure it’s working. Her mother stands up once she checks off the last item on the list. They both look at each other, her father sighing and her mother shrugging. Then, they turn to look at Kinney at the same time.

“Let’s go check out her bedroom,” Holly says, dragging Nick by the collar and Jazz by the arm. “I heard it’s super intriguing.”

“Subtle,” Dad says, walking back into the living room.

“Wasn’t trying to be,” Holly calls out, shutting the bedroom door. 

Kinney turns to her parents and is immediately engulfed in a hug by her mother. Kinney hugs her back, holding her tight, and then grunting when her father puts his arms around both of them.

“Call whenever you can, okay?” her mother sniffles in a muffled voice.

“I’m coming home in, like, a week. Literally, I’m coming home for Sunday dinner this weekend.”

“A lot can happen in a week!” her mother cries out, squeezing her tighter. “Stay safe, and call any one of us if you need anything, okay? A recipe, how to fix the washing machine, a movie recommendation, I don’t care. You call us.”

“Take care,” Dad whispers into her temple and plants a kiss there. Kinney takes a deep breath to stop her voice from choking up. She’s really going to be living alone. Like alone alone - no girlfriend, no roommate, not even an annoying dormmate. 

“I love you guys,” she mumbles. She can feel her mother start to shake so she pushes her away and into her father’s arms. He wraps his arms around his wife easily as she buries her face into his chest. 

“Love you, too,” her father smiles at her. She watches her parents leave and then shuts the door behind them. 

“I think we’re going to leave, too,” Jazz pokes her head out of the bedroom. 

“Already?” Kinney frowns.

“It’s a four hour drive back, and I’ve got to pack up some stuff and get to New York before orientation tomorrow morning.”

“And I have an early revenue meeting I can’t miss,” Nick pouts.

“Oh, okay,” Kinney nods. “Let me at least take a picture.”

Jazz smoothes out the wrinkles in her t-shirt and Holly unties her hair from the bun, shaking out the waves. Nick is smoothing his hand over his head even though his hair grew out from the short curls and is now in smooth cornrows that make him look sleeker and older. Kinney pulls her phone out to tons of notifications. She saves them to read later and opens up the camera app.

“Who are you sending this to?” Nick asks.

“I’m posting a picture on my Insta, but I’m taking a video for the girl gang.”

Nick nods and they all pose while Kinney takes a selfie that captures everyone, and bits of the apartment in the background. Then she takes a video of the studio, spinning on the spot. When the frame passes over Nick, he yells out: “I love you, Audrey Cobalt!” 

Kinney rolls her eyes. 

He’s been doing this in every story, every video she sends to Audrey or the girls, ever since Kinney introduced them to her friends. She can’t tell anymore if it’s a joke or not. Since Audrey hasn’t objected, she humours him. She sends the video on the group chat, and two seconds later Audrey sends a picture of her face with a filter that has pink scratches and hearts on her cheek like anime blush. Kinney makes a disgusted face and shows it to Nick, who pretends to swoon.

“Stop flirting with each other through me!” Kinney yells, and types out the same message on the chat.

_ [Audrey]: Oh, little pigeon, aren’t you delighted to be carrying messages of love between us, across oceans and barriers? *spinning heart emoji* _

_ [Vada]: ur literally in canada. _

_ [Nona]: your studio looks amazing, babe! _

_ [Vada]: yea, kinns. it looks like you’re gonna have an amazing time! _

_ [Me]: when do you guys get here? _

_ [Vada]: nona’s flight from peru gets into jfk at 5am on friday, so i’ll pick her from the airport and we’ll head your way.  _

_ [Nona]: ^^ _

_ [Audrey]: My flight got cancelled. _

_ [Vada]: stfu _

_ [Audrey]: Yes, I’ve had to ask Father to send our jet. _

_ [Nona]: *sad emoji* noooooooooo your carbon footprint… _

_ [Audrey]: He said he had work in Toronto anyway, so I'm just getting a ride back.. _

_ [Nona]: …. _

_ [Vada]: …. _

_ [Kinney]: sounds fake, but okay _

_ [Audrey]: Father doesn’t lie….he’s always been honest about the cost of the things we ask for. _

_ [Nona]: yea but you’re not the only one asking for it, are you? he’d probably love to see you too. _

_ [Vada]: yeah, has anyone noticed how the aunt and uncle who pretend to have the most chill and idgaf vibe are the ones with the worst empty nest syndrome? poor kids. _

_ [Audrey]: we /were/ a really loud and busy house. _

_ [Me]: ok w/e, audrey text me when you guys decide to leave and when i can expect you ok? have to plan what to do here accordingly, so we can make it to sunday dinner on time.  _

Kinney locks her phone and nods. While she was texting, Jazz and Nick appear to have collected their things and look ready to go. Nick gives Kinney a tight hug that lifts her right off her feet. “Make some awesome movies, and hit me up if you need a lead.”

“Or, like, don’t do that,” Jazz shoves Nick out of the way and gives Kinney a tight hug of her own. “Call me, okay?”

“Will do.”

“Promise?”

“Cross my heart,” she says in complete seriousness. “We can make a blood pact too, if you like.”

“Nah, I’m out,” Nick slings his bag across his body and waves goodbye. “Holly, I’ll pick you up from the train station tomorrow, okay?”

“Cool!” Holly waves at her cousin and best friend. The door shuts behind them and the two girls are left alone amidst a sea of boxes.

“Wanna order take out?” Holly asks

“Yes, please.”

While Holly browses places to order from, Kinney catches up with some of her social media. She’s become a lot more active in the past few weeks, and even some of her mutuals have become more interactive after seeing her hanging around with normal school friends compared to famous circles. Her texts are filled with all variations of good luck messages from her cousins and their partners. She replies to all of them. Then she opens her Instagram to see if there’s any updates on what some of her farther away cousins are up to. 

Charlie’s story has São Paulo plastered all over it. He’s been working there for the past year while him and his girlfriend, Joana, figure out where they plan on settling long term. There’s pictures of the city, some idle shots from their apartment, and one of Joana raising an eyebrow at the camera while she straps on a pair of boxing gloves. Charlie doesn’t usually use captions, letting the pictures speak for themselves, but this one has a simple black heart emoji. Probably some kind of inside joke she doesn’t get. 

Oscar’s story has a picture of Charlie eating a plate of food, with the caption: “Mamma already loves her future son-in-law.” Kinney sends a laughing emoji to him before scrolling down to the photos. 

Noor, Beckett’s fiancée, posted a series of black and white shots of both of them in the dance studio. They’re both dressed differently, since Beckett only performs occasionally now - a decision he made for the betterment of his own mental health, while Noor remains the company’s prima ballerina. Kinney can’t read the caption since it’s in Persian but when she hits she translate button it says “i asked for a passion, i found the answer in dance. i asked for love, i found the answer in music. i asked for both, i found the answer in you”. Kinney blinks at it. She’s sure she’s missing out on how much more beautiful it sounds in Persian, but it’s still so moving. She hits the like button and keeps scrolling before that hungry longing for love grows inside her chest again. 

“Okay, so I found a place,” Holly hums from the other end of the couch, making Kinney look up. “Ordered some pizza. If it’s good, make note, I guess?” Then she frowns at her phone and rolls her eyes.

“What?”

“ _One time_ I searched for something on a clothing website and now the stupid thing keeps sending me ads. I don’t want to sit and scroll through ads of clothes I can’t even wear.”

“Why can’t you wear them?” Kinney frowns. “Show.”

Holly tilts her phone to show a picture of a model wearing a yellow sundress.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would totally serve looks with that dress. But it’s so annoying when sites show you pretty shit but they don’t even keep things in plus sizes. And if they do, then why can’t they show more plus sized models? We exist, you know.”

Kinney doesn’t really know what to say. Usually in these situations, she’s found it’s better to not say anything, not with Holly. She’s learned that when Holly complains about this stuff it’s more frustration than insecurity. It’s not reassurance she wants; it’s action. So, she lets her vent because after that Holly feels better and actually does something about it. Since she works as an assistant to a fashion designer, she has the opportunity to make her voice heard. Sometimes, she just needs to clear her thoughts by letting out the steam that rusts it. 

“Sorry, you know how I feel about stuff like this.”

“I know,” Kinney nods. “Don’t be sorry about it. You’re allowed to feel anger.”

“Sometimes I get tired of feeling all that anger,” Holly frowns, leaning her forehead on her bent knees. “Don’t you?”

“Not at all.”

Holly looks up at this response, a startled expression on her face. She’s slow in tilting her head, and the process makes her wavy brown hair fall over her shoulder. One wavy strand falls in her eyes and she pushes it back. Her scrutinising gaze makes Kinney wish she hadn’t said anything. But at the same time, now that she’s said it, she knows if Holly asks, she’ll answer. 

“Why not?”

“Because -” Kinney looks around the studio. “Sometimes I feel like this apartment. Empty inside. Anger, irritation, sadness - I’ve always felt them deeper, stronger than happiness or joy. I don’t know maybe, maybe I’m nothing without it.”

“Kinney,” Holly tilts her head. “I’ve seen you laugh, I’ve seen you happy. You’re not just your pain.”

“Maybe not, but it’s always there. Underneath, it’s always been there. Even when -” she breaks off.

“Even when you were with Mina.”

Kinney flinches like she’s been zapped by electricity. She can’t remember the last time anybody dared mention the name around her. She’s always been fairly strict about her “I want nothing to do with my ex” policy, right from when she and Viv dated as kids. But Mina is different. Mina brings pain. And Kinney doesn’t think she can handle more pain being inflicted on her. She’s tired of feeling it.

“You have to talk about her, Kinney. If not to me, then to someone. You have to let it out.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Kinney frowns. “It’s nobody’s business.”

“Perhaps not, but that doesn’t mean it’s not causing you pain. It’s not for anyone’s benefit but yours.”

“Maybe I don’t want that benefit.”

“How could you not?”

“Because I’m scared, okay?” Kinney bursts out, standing up from the couch. “I’m scared that if I say it then it’ll make the pain stop and if the pain stops then the love stops. And I  _ want  _ to be in love with her. Even if it hurts, I want it. Because I’d rather have it than feel no kind of love.”

“How do you plan to find new love, happy love, epic love if you won’t even let go of your past?” Holly is standing now too. 

“Why do you care so much?”

“You’re  _ hurting,  _ right in front of me!” Holly shouts. “You expect me to just, what,  _ ignore  _ it?”

“You can’t fix me, Holly! I’m not - I’m not like a little toy. Mina couldn’t fix me. You can’t fix me either.”

“Of course, we can’t! This isn’t about  _ fixing  _ you. It’s about helping what can be helped, and nobody else can do it for you! We’re only here to support you while you do it yourself. And that starts with letting go. You say you feel like an empty apartment?” Holly gestures wildly. “Look around you. There’s boxes everywhere. There’s boxes inside you.  _ Unpack _ .”

“There’s no repacking it once I let it out.”

“Who says you have to?”

“I will when the time comes to move on again.”

“Kinney, stop,” Holly takes a few steps forward. Kinney can see her hesitate before she reaches out and puts her hands on her shoulders. “You’re taking this metaphor way too seriously. You’re not an empty house that needs to be repacked and refurbished with every new relationship. We’re not trying to repaint walls and hide old spills. This, right here,” Holly presses a finger to Kinney’s chest. “This home never leaves you. So, you make it as cosy and comfortable to live in. And when you’re comfortable in  _ that  _ home, you’re comfortable no matter what is on the outside.”

“I’m scared,” Kinney repeats, but this time it’s in a quiet whisper. Holly’s face melts from exasperation to sympathy. And, for the first time, Kinney doesn’t think of it as pity. The way Holly’s eyes widen, her eyebrows drooped down a little, her mouth turned downwards - that’s not pity. She’s feeling  _ something for someone else.  _ It’s not pity at all. It's understanding.

“I know. It’s okay. I’m here. You don’t have to be scared with me.”

Kinney really can’t stop her chin from wobbling and Holly squeezes her shoulders tighter. It makes Kinney feel like nothing can knock her over, even though her knees are shaking. There’s a knock on the door and Holly murmurs, “Shoot.” She looks at the door, and back at Kinney, and it again. 

“Just...give me a second, okay?” she whispers to Kinney and grabs her wallet off the couch before opening the door. Kinney watches it all happen like it’s in slow motion. The pizza delivery person handing over the box, Holly giving them a fake smile as she hands them cash and tells them to keep the change. The smell of the pie taking over the smell of the freshly repainted walls of the studio. 

Kinney spins on the spot, watching her belongings strewn all over the place. She can hear the thrum of the newly installed fridge, imagine the smiles of her parents as they wished her luck on the drive over. She can feel Nick’s hug. But her body doesn’t feel like it’s rooted here. It’s in Mumbai, it’s in Tokyo, it’s in Rio, it’s in new Airbnb flats and she’s no longer surrounded by boxes but she’s surrounded by suitcases, and there’s the smell of jasmine in the air, and when Holly taps her on her shoulder and whispers her name, she can’t tell if it’s in Mina’s voice or her own. 

The walls seem to grow taller and there’s something constricting her lungs. She can’t breathe. Her vision is blurring. It feels like the room is moving.  

“Kinney, shhh, Kinney,” Holly whispers in her ear and she takes a shuddering half-breath. She can feel Holly’s chest pressed against her back, feel her heart beating through her sweatshirt. She realises that the walls didn’t grow taller but she collapsed on the ground instead. And the room isn’t moving - Holly’s got her arms around her and she’s steadily rocking her back and forth. 

“I’ve got you,” Holly’s chin rests on top of Kinney’s head. “I’m not going to let go until you want me to.”

“Don’t,” Kinney mouths but she’s sure Holly can’t hear her. 

They stay like that for a while and Kinney stares at the pizza box, and the six pack of beer collecting condensation. Holly doesn’t let go of her, not until Kinney stops shivering and the chills turn into clamminess. She needs to come up for air again. 

Kinney pulls back a little, sniffling and turning in Holly’s arm. Her hair is sticking to her tear stricken face and Holly separates the strands from her skin and tucks them behind Kinney’s ear. This close, Kinney can see that Holly’s got tiny freckles on her eyelids too, and under her eyebrows. Her entire face is a constellation that Kinney’s mind has been too polluted to map. 

“Do you want to talk? It doesn’t have to be about anything specific.”

“No, I - “ Kinney clears her throat. “I think I need to, if that’s okay.”

“Of course. Start wherever.”

Kinney doesn’t jump into the story right away. She scoots closer to the coffee table and passes a slice of pizza and a beer can to Holly. She keeps one of each for herself. They eat and drink in silence, and it’s only when Kinney wipes her mouth with a tissue and opens a second can that she starts talking. 

“We were really happy.”

Holly looks up, not showing any expression on her face. Her features remain smooth and serene, listening carefully. 

“Like,  _ really  _ fucking happy. Stupid happy. The kind of happy that people can feel and you can tell they almost resent you for it but you’re glowing too much to even care. We were  _ that  _ couple. I think it’s like - Mina and I were really similar. We had shared interests. We did everything together - we watched the same movies, listened to the same music, wore similar clothes. It was like we were two equal halves of a Rorschach print.

And it’s because of it that we fought a lot too. We always made up, we never let any fights carry over. But we bickered a lot. We used to think it was banter, but I think after a while we started to realise that being similar means that the other person reflects our own problems back at us. Seeing Mina behave in certain ways that pissed me off made me think - what if I do that too? Of course, I never actually thought this while I was with her. All this  _ realisation  _ came later. When we were together, it didn’t matter - because we always made up, and our happy outshone the bad parts.

I don’t know when I stopped being Kinney and started being Mina’s girlfriend. I don’t blame her. I mean, she gave me the freedom to be this whole person who is separate from my family’s history and the fame. Everywhere she took me, her only rule was that the fame shouldn’t affect me - that I should be able to take a walk, or go to the beach, or go partying like a normal person and never worry about being the legacy I was born into. But I also didn’t have any baby steps. We went from having our dates monitored by a body guard and avoiding rumours to suddenly jumping head first into moving abroad. It was an atmosphere I wasn’t used to.

And, I think, it was something I  _ should’ve  _ been doing on my own. But because Mina was there I started using her as a crutch. You can’t make a baby try to walk before it’s ready - it’ll only learn to walk holding your hand. It’ll fall over the moment you let go. I think that’s what happened with me. I started leaning on Mina more than I should have. So, when she let go, I fell hard.

But that’s not the part that’s been eating at me this whole time. It’s not the - I’ve known for a while know that being away from her has only moved me in the right direction. Not that she was hindering my progress - no, she’s the one who launched it. But we were turning stagnant. That’s not the part that makes me - that makes me feel so -”

Kinney struggles for the right word, her hand clutching her t-shirt over her chest. How does she find the words to explain what’s been eating her up inside like a monster, tearing at her lungs, her heart, making her question everything? It’s  _ guilt.  _ Overwhelming guilt that makes her feel sick to the core. 

“You don’t have to continue,” Holly says. “That was a lot to start with. You don’t have to say it all at once.”

“It’s not that I can’t say it. I think, for the first time, I’m more ready than ever to say it. It’s just that, I don’t think you’re the one I’m supposed to be saying it to.”

Holly smiles a sad smile.

“You should be telling Mina. You both need to get closure.”

Kinney nods, squeezing her eyes shut, hot tears sliding down her cheeks. Holly’s hands are cold when she wipes them away, but they don’t move when she’s done wiping them. Kinney opens her eyes to find that Holly is cupping her face, her thumb gently rubbing the high points of her cheek. 

“I’m proud of you for saying all that. And thank you for choosing me to share it with.”

“Thank you,” Kinney mumbles, her lips ghosting against the heels of Holly’s palms. She watches Holly swallow before her hands move to grab Kinney’s and pull her up in one easy move.

“Come on. I think you should get some rest. You can start decorating and setting up tomorrow after I’m gone.”

“Come where?” Kinney frowns. “You can sleep on the couch. I’ve got the bed inside.”

“You mean the bed that you haven’t even bought a mattress protector for? Or disinfectant, for that matter?”

“Holly…” Kinney lets the word hang in the air, which feels immensely thicker now that she feels lighter. Holly's hand around hers feels colder, or her skin is turning warmer. There’s something unspoken in the air, a line that they’ve been trying to draw after so many years toeing around each other that it feels dangerous to blur it. She watches Holly swallow roughly again and then shrug and smile wide.

“Friends can spoon, Kinney. Don’t be silly.”

Friends. Right. Of course, friends. What else? This is what friends did. Help you move, hear you rant about your ex, hold you when you cried. It’s what friends did. Maybe this was the friendship that thirteen-year-old Holly had meant when she’d smiled sadly at Kinney and said  _ I don’t think I’m ready to date just yet. Maybe we can be friends?  _

Kinney sighs and reaches underneath her shirt to unhook her bra. Holly does the same, although for the other girl it’s a little trickier dragging the straps through the arms of her clothes since she’s wearing a sweatshirt. When she finally manages, she tosses it aside on top of one of the boxes, and Kinney follows suit. 

Holly is the first to lay down on the couch, pressing herself into the back and patting the space in front of her. Kinney sits down first and then swings her legs on top of the cushion. Holly’s arms come around her waist, her leg throwing itself over Kinney’s hips. It’s a tight fit and they have to wriggle around for a few minutes before they find a comfortable position. 

Kinney is starting to feel more awake now than when she was not ready for bed. Holly is - Holly is like an actual ball of light taken from the sun. The thick material of her clothing, her body temperature, how she’s wrapped up around Kinney, her wild hair falling onto Kinney’s neck. It’s like she’s burning up from the inside. She can feel her heartbeat against her back and  _ fuck,  _ she’s trying not to notice that her breasts are pressed against her too. Kinney shivers and Holly’s hold on her tightens.

“Just relax. I can feel how tense you are,” Holly whispers and Kinney nearly bites through her lip because the breath of air on her ear makes her feel a little too good - friends may spoon but they don’t  _ moan  _ right? 

Kinney’s eyes roam around the apartment, trying to count bricks or watch the napkins from the pizza place flutter in the breeze coming through the window. She watches all the boxes stacked around and her eyes fall on the one closest to them. 

Holly’s bra hangs off the edge, a pale peach colour with lacey flowers on it. It looks nothing like Kinney’s own black and red one laying underneath it. Kinney stares at the two harmless items of clothing and she hates,  _ she hates  _ how she pictures a closet filled with pink clothes on one side and black clothes on another. A make-up drawer with Holly’s Fenty foundations beside Kinney’s MAC Studio Fixes. Kinney’s crystal collection strewn amidst Holly’s potted plants. 

_ Shut the fuck up,  _ she yells at herself.  _ You can’t just fall for the first girl who gives you attention or listens to you whine.  _

_ It’s just harmless imagining, _ the other voice in her head tells her.  _ Like you don’t mentally plan your wedding to every pretty girl who opens a door for you or accidentally makes eye contact with you. _

_ It’s different when you’re fucking spooning with the girl whom you’re thinking about.  _

“I can practically hear your brain overthinking this. Can you relax? You’re like a tightly wound doll in my arms. That’s not very cuddle worthy.”

Kinney takes a deep breath and tries to relax. Holly starts humming in her ear, and despite how hot she feels, she feels her eyes start to droop. She can’t recognise the song that’s being hummed but it has a lilting tune, like a lullaby, and it feels soothing to listen to. Before she knows it, she finds herself falling into a deep, comfortable sleep.

* * *

 

It feels like she blinks and it’s morning. Bright sunlight filters through the curtain-less windows, making Kinney groan and press her face into the couch cushion. The space behind her feels too open and empty and she rolls onto her back, confused. It takes her a few seconds to realise that there’s not enough space on the couch for her to be laying flat if there’s supposed to be another person with her.

“Holly?” she mumbles, her voice scratching her dry throat. The pizza box and beer have been cleared up and Holly’s purse and that fucking pretty bra are gone. There’s a pink folded paper underneath her phone and she reaches for it. 

_ Fuck,  _ her brain hisses as her spine pops and her back muscles stretch. Curled up on the couch with another person isn’t the most comfortable sleeping position. She continues stretching out while she opens the paper. 

She squints a little bit at the words. Thank goodness Aunt Willow isn’t here to see it. She’s been suspiciously eyeing Kinney for the past few months, noticing how she squints at things sometimes but Kinney is too fucking stubborn to admit that she might need glasses. She takes a few seconds to decipher the handwriting. 

_ Sorry, I had to leave early. I hope you’re feeling better. I’m a phonecall away if you need me. Best of luck for orientation on Monday! Love, Holly.  _

Kinney’s mouth hurts from smiling at the  _ love  _ part. So, she decides to give herself the reality check that she was avoiding last night and reaches for her phone. None of the messages she’s received need to be urgently replied to, so she skips right to opening Instagram. 

Her thumb is shaking a little when she scrolls to her settings and hits the “blocked contacts” option. There’s way too many creeps and disturbing fans she’s blocked so it takes her a while to find the account she’s looking for: @choi_mina. She clicks on “unblock” and goes to her profile. 

It’s still a public profile, and Kinney scrolls through the photographs. She doesn’t understand most of the captions - even though Mina taught her how to read Hangul and some phrases, she doesn’t understand the language. To her surprise, Mina looks perfectly normal to her. Kinney no longer feels like she's looking at an angel descended from heaven. Mina looks like a normal, happy human being. No, now it's someone else who looks like an angel to Kinney.

Kinney’s heart stops when she scrolls to pictures from eight months ago and her own face starts popping up amongst them. 

“What the hell?” she mumbles and scrolls quicker. It’s all there. All their pictures. Mina never deleted them, never erased Kinney like she wasn’t a part of her life. 

_ You can’t erase every person you date like it never happened, Kinney  _

Vada’s words, after Kinney had burned everything belonging to Viv.

_ Watch me do it anyway.  _

Is this what it's been it like for every ex of hers for the past ten years? While she’s been discarding them, erasing them from her mind, have they somehow been moving on without forgetting about her? Guilt burns inside her stomach. 

She slows down her scrolling and moves up the profile, to the pictures after their break up. The first picture after they separated has a timestamp of one month after Kinney moved back. It’s a screenshot of a paragraph on Mina’s Notes app and Kinney clicks on it to read. 

_ Some of you have been sending me messages and commenting on my stories about Kinney deleting our pictures and how she doesn’t follow me anymore. I can’t say if she’s made a statement or not, but I can confirm that we are no longer together. A thank you to her fans who adopted me while we were together, and the “Minney” shippers. Sadly, otps don’t work that way in real life. If you wish to unfollow me for no longer posting anything related to Kinney, then please feel free. If you have grown to like me and want to continue being a part of my social life, then welcome to another chapter of my life - I only ask that you treat me as my own person and not an ex-girlfriend of Kinney Hale’s. That being said, Kinney taught me many things about love and life, and I only wish her happiness and success wherever life takes her. - Mina.  _

Kinney’s eyes are burning as she reads the words over and over again. Despite her better judgement, she scrolls through the comments. 

_ OMG what happened </3 _

_ damn , unfollowed. I was here for hale stuff _

_ We’re so sorry Mina! Hope you feel better soon! _

_ Anyone who harasses Mina is a “turd” as Kinney says. Real people break up, guys. It’s none of our business. _

_ Fuck :/ I wish you guys were still together you were couple goals. _

Kinney scrolls back up and after five seconds, she double taps the picture, watching the heart icon appear and fade away, leaving behind a bright red ‘like’. She scrolls higher up Mina’s pictures. Most of the location pins are in Hangul so Kinney guesses that Mina did return to South Korea after all. 

The latest picture is of Mina grinning wide at a camera and a man’s arms around her. Kinney looks at the caption. It’s in Korean but she knows enough to know what the word for “love” is. She clicks on the user tag hovering over the man’s face. 

His account is private but the profile picture is a selfie of him and Mina smiling wide. Kinney feels a slight hollowness, but to her surprise, she also can’t help but smile at the happiness on Mina’s face. Before Kinney can wonder what to do with this information, she gets a notification of a direct message request. She swallows roughly and clicks on it. 

_ @choi_mina wants to send you a message.  _

She must’ve seen the notification of her liking the photo.

_ [Mina]: Kinney...? _

Kinney hits the ‘accept button’

_ [Me]: Hi, Mina. _

_ [Mina]: Oh my god, Kinney. Can we talk? I tried calling you but I think you’ve blocked my number. And ...your family didn’t want me to contact you until you reached out first. _

_ This,  _ Kinney did not know. It made sense, though, that Mina would’ve tried to contact the girls or her siblings when Kinney went radio silent. She could picture exactly what her brothers and her sister would’ve said to her.

Moffy would’ve said:  _ I don’t know what you did, but she’s really fucking hurt. Maybe she’ll forgive you and that’s up to her but I think you should leave her alone until she decides she wants to talk to you. _

Luna would’ve said:  _ idk idk maybe give her some time?? you hurt her pretty bad and it’s not cool. not cool at all. it’s up to her to decide if she wants to return your calls _

Xander...Xander wouldn’t have even tried to be nice:  _ I asked you to do one thing. Don’t hurt my baby sister. And that’s exactly what you did. You’re not getting my sympathy.  _

She quickly replies to Mina.

_ [Me]: Shit, yeah, I have. One sec, let me unblock. _

Kinney’s fingers are moving almost feverishly now, her nerves making her stomach flip but her curiosity making her scroll quicker. She wants to throw her phone out of the window and never look again. But that exhausting relief after opening up yesterday is propelling her, the promise of feeling that relief again. 

_ [Me]: I unblocked. _

Immediately, her phone screens lights up with an incoming call. Kinney hesitates only for a second before she receives it.

“Hello?” she whispers.

“Kinney.”  _ Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.  _ Her voice hasn’t changed at all. Of course, why would it change? 

“Hi, Mina.”

“Kinney...where have you...how are you?”

“I’m -” What does she say? A part of her wants to be petty. But only the truth comes out. “I’m okay. I’m much better.”

“Yeah?” Kinney can hear Mina’s smile in her voice. “I’m glad. I was really worried about you, and I know I should’ve expected it. You’d told me you cut off all your exes, but I guess I don’t know - it’s different until it happens to you and -”

“I’m really sorry, Mins,” Kinney whispers and she hears Mina’s voice wobble mid-sentence. She stops rambling and there’s only the sound of their breathing on both ends. It takes a few seconds for Kinney to realise Mina’s breath is hitched and it sounds like she’s trying not to sob out loud. 

“Mina…”

“No, I’m sorry,” Mina sniffles. “I didn’t mean to cry or anything. It’s just  _ really  _ nice to hear from you. You don’t have to be sorry.”

“I do.”

And it’s true. It’s nine months overdue but she owes Mina a huge apology. Now that she’s talking to her, she lets herself think back to that night, lets the emotions she’s been boxing away wash over her. 

She remembers the smell of the air freshener they had bought for the little flat in Tokyo. She remembers the sound of tape screeching as she boxed some items to send home to Philly before they flew to Busan. She remembers the door opening and looking up and feeling her heart fall to her stomach when she saw Mina’s teary eyes. She remembers her sitting down beside Kinney and in a shaky voice saying  _ I need to talk to you.  _ Kinney remembers how it felt when her world stopped. 

_ Mina was shaking as she said, “I have to say this before we go to Korea and there’s no turning back. Us - something's off, Kinney. We’re running in circles. Every time I talk about settling down, you keep saying we’ll figure out, we’ve got the world to see. But we’ve been doing this for two years. We can’t just keep loitering around. I have to find a job. You don’t know what to do. And-I don’t know, I feel like we’re both looking for different things. How can we start a life together if we’re not even on the same page?” _

_ “What are you saying?” Kinney mumbled. Mina got up and ran her fingers through her hair. It was a wild mess and her hands were shaking, her make-up less face red and puffy. This was a side of Mina that Kinney had never seen before and it was starting to terrify her. Had she  done  this to her? _

_ “I don’t know - I’m just saying that - how do you expect me to explain to my parents that we still don’t know what we’re doing? I can’t keep roaming around the world as I please. I need to start building a life and a career - and I wanted us to do it together.... but you’re not ready to sit still and I am. Kinney, I don’t think we’re on the same track anymore -” _

_ “You want to end this?” _

_ “No - I mean, I don’t know. I don’t want us to end but if we’re not going anywhere then isn’t it better to?” _

_ “Do you love me?” _

_ “Of course, I love you!” Mina cried, coming closer to Kinney. She pressed their foreheads together, pressed their lips together, mumbling against Kinney’s mouth. “I love you so much it hurts. But love doesn’t fix everything. It’s not going to pay our bills, it’s not going to give us a job, a house -” _

_ “We’ll figure that stuff out! We’ve still got -” _

_ “Don’t!” Mina cried loud, coughing on her tears. “Don’t say we’ve still got time. Our entire lives are going to pass us by if you keep saying that. Look at us. What are we doing? Hopping from one place to another. We decided to travel to figure ourselves out and neither of us have managed to do it.” _

_ “So you don’t love me enough.” _

_ “That’s  not  what I’m saying- Kinney. Kinney come back, please don’t be mad at me. Kinney!”  _

_ But Kinney walked into the adjacent room and shut the door. Her heart was beating right out of her chest, shards of it scattering everywhere, trying to rip through her. She felt her throat squeeze tight until she couldn’t breathe. The room was a mess, their belongings scattered everywhere and Kinney nearly fell to her knees as she grabbed her phone off the bed. It took her five tries, with shaking hands, to hit Moffy’s number.  _

_ He picked up after seven rings, voice sleepy and confused and beyond concerned. Kinney always remembered timezones before calling. _

_ “Kinney? What’s up? _

_ She couldn’t  breathe.  She tried to speak but the only thing that came out was a whimper. _

_ “Kinney?” Moffy’s voice was alarmed and she heard things moving in the background, another person’s voice. “Kinney what’s going on? You’re scaring me.” _

_ “Come get me.” _

_ “What? Where’s Mina? What’s going on?” _

_ “Get me out of here. Please, Moffy. Please,” she cried, her voice turning into sobs. Her face fell into her hands, clutching the roots of her hair. She could hear Mina crying on the other side of the door but she couldn’t bring herself to open it.  _

_ “Where are you? You’re still in Tokyo right?” Moffy asked. _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “Where’s Mina? Are you both safe?” _

_ “We’re both - it’s nothing like that. I just - I need to get out of here. Can you please get me out?” _

_ “I’m working on it right now,” Moffy reassured her. She could’ve sworn she heard Farrow’s voice say Charlie’s name in the background. “Are you still at the Airbnb?” _

_ “Yeah….but I don’t want to be here while waiting. Where do I go?” _

_ “Give me ten minutes. I’ll get you out, okay? Do you trust me?” _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “Will you stay on the line with me while I get this sorted out?” _

_ “I - Just call me back when it’s done. I need to pack some things.” _

_ “Okay. But I’m calling in ten, and if you don’t answer -” _

_ “I know.” _

_ “I love you, Kinney. We all do. I don’t know what’s happening but please know that. We’re going to get you home, okay?” _

_ Kinney grabbed her backpack and threw in the first important things she could get her hands on. Her laptop, its charger, her passport and travel documents. She threw in a change of clothes and her toothbrush. Her wallet and a pair of socks followed.  _

_ Everything else was scattered - it would take hours, days, a lifetime to untangle everything from Mina. But she couldn’t. Not right now. She sat on the floor, waiting for her phone to ring and it lit up with a text and an email. The email was a forward of a booking confirmation for a nearby hotel, and the text was from Farrow: _

[Farrow]: Moffy booked you a hotel room and he’s getting ready to get to the airport. Him and Charlie are coming to get you.

[Farrow]: Hang in there, Kinney. You can text any of us in the meantime. If you don’t want to text the family, or you can’t contact either Moffy or Charlie, you can message me or Joana. Please, take care. 

_ She didn’t waste a second in wearing her shoes and walking out the door. _

_ “Kinney!” Mina cried out, scrambling from the floor. “Where are you going?” _

_ “I’m doing what you wanted. You’re free to do what you want. I won’t hold you back anymore.” _

_ “Kinney, please,” Mina grabbed Kinney's backpack. Kinney yanked it out of her hands. “Please don’t end it like this. I didn’t want it like this-” _

_ “I’ll arrange for someone to come and collect my things later. Have a nice life, Choi Mina.” _

Kinney comes back to herself, her voice thick.

“I think,” she says after a few minutes. “I think it took me being alone to realise just how lost I was. I was dragging you with me.”

“You make it seem like our relationship was bad. It wasn’t. I was very happy, Kinney.”

“So was I, Mins. But...but you were right. I wasn’t figuring myself out. I was treating it like some grand never-ending vacation just because I could. You weren’t wrong in saying that I was blind to the privilege I had. I always thought I was so aware of how lucky I am in some ways that I never noticed how my lifestyle had affected me in other ways. How spoiled I am and how egotistical it’s made me. Never having to worry about a career, never stopping to think what I wanted to make of my life, never having to apologise or grovel? Hell, one bad fight and I was, what, calling my brother to come  _ pick me up in our private jet.  _ I acted like a brat because I couldn’t handle being called one. You were my wake up call.”

“I wish I hadn’t been.” Mina’s voice is a low whisper. “I wish our wake up calls could’ve been less painful. I wish we could’ve made it work.”

“No point dwelling on that right?”

“You’re better now, right? You’re doing well?”

“I am. I really am. I made some new friends - well, more like I reconnected with some people I knew. I decide to explore filmmaking again - actually, I just moved to Pittsburgh. I’m going back to school - Carnegie Mellon. What about you?”

“Really? You’re back in school? That’s amazing, Kinney!” The enthusiasm and happiness in her voice sounds so genuine that it makes Kinney smile. “I’m okay. Like….at first I wasn’t. But that’s okay -”

“No, no it’s not. You can be honest. It’s not fair if I just say my piece and you have to keep quiet. This has to be closure for both of us.”

“I don’t want to make it seem like you said your entire bit blaming yourself and then I blame you too.”

“Trust me,” Kinney laughs, a slightly bitter edge to it. “I blamed you a  _ lot. _ It’s only recently that I’ve had the sense to do some inner reflecting.”

“It’s just that...you know, I fell in love with you because you're a fighter. But I didn't realise how much it hurts to fight against you instead of beside you - and what was worse was how you _didn't_ fight when I needed you to. I was so shocked. I mean I know I started the conversation and I was also mentally prepared for a breakup and a fight. I just, didn’t expect you to walk out the door just like that. And then I couldn’t contact you? I was confused as hell. Like, one second we were planning on meeting my parents and then next you were just... gone. And, I don’t know, I knew the chances of us compromising were slim to none but I thought you would at least fight back or - I thought you would fight for us. For me. But you just left. Maybe I was a little spoiled too. I was convinced that if we make up after every fight, we’d make up after that one too.”

“I’m sorry,” Kinney mumbles. “Trust me, if I knew it was an option, I’d have fought for you. But, I guess I’m just not very used to having to fight for what I want. And, I think, on some level I knew it was right for us to not keep fighting over that one.”

“Maybe so. But, like you said, it worked out better for us both, right?”

“I think so,” Kinney nods. “What are you doing now? You’re in Busan?”

“Seoul, actually. I got a job a couple months ago. It’s not very fancy or anything, but...it was never about making a shit ton of money. I get by. I just wanted to have a plan and I think I have one now. I’m doing okay. And - yeah - yeah -”

“It’s okay. You can say it. I saw your pictures, I know you’re seeing someone.”

“Sorry. This is weird. This is weird, right? Me telling you if I’m seeing someone. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not  _ that  _ weird,” Kinney chuckles. “Besides, weird is my brand.”

“I mean, yeah, yeah I’m seeing someone. It’s nothing super serious yet but he’s nice. Very sweet. I think maybe that’s what I need right now...someone calm, someone sweet, someone mellow. Does that make sense?”

“I think I know exactly what you mean,” Kinney’s eyes are trained on the spot on the floor where Holly had held her yesterday. 

“Are you...seeing someone?”

“I don’t - no, no I’m not. Not really.”

“Not really?”

“It’s complicated and it’s just ....it's just me making a thing out of something that’s probably nothing and you’re right, this is weird, we should stop talking about this.”

“Okay, okay,” Mina laughs. “But just remember that you’ve never been one for dating so…”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, come on, you know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t,” Kinney frowns. “I don’t know. What do you mean? I’ve dated before.”

“No you haven’t. Are you serious? You’ve had  _ date nights _ with girlfriends but you’ve never done the _dating first, see where it goes, I have a seven date rule_ thing. You don’t casual date. Hell, you asked me to be your girlfriend after the first time we hung out!”

“We’d liked each other for months!”

“Exactly! You like people for ages but you don’t do anything about it until it becomes overwhelming and you’re like half in love with them and want to jump to the cuddling and playing house. When was the last time you went on a date without knowing how it would end? Or dated someone you weren’t 100% sure about?”

Kinney opens her mouth to answer and then shuts up. She can’t remember. Fuck, she can’t remember. Before Mina she had two high school girlfriends: Juliana and May. She’d liked Juliana all of freshman year before the other girl gave in and asked Kinney to be her girlfriend. And May was more of an on again, off again, with benefits type situation. No dating. The last time she’d been on a date was -

“Holly.”

“What?”

Holly was the last person she’d taken a chance with. And then she’d come home after the disastrous second date and announced, in typical Kinney fashion,  _ I’m never dating again.  _ And, she hadn’t. She’d just done some pathetic pining until someone did something about it. 

Holly.

“Kinney?”

“Sorry, I was just having an epiphany. Never mind.”

“Anyway...my point is, don’t wait around for someone to do something again.”

“You’re giving me dating advice?”

“No way. I’m giving you life advice. I don’t mean just for the dating. Like don’t wait around for someone to drop a job in your lap, or for someone to come along and fix your problems. Do it yourself.”

_ Unpack.  _

“Okay. Yeah, okay.”

“It was really nice talking to you, Kinney. I don’t know if this is something we’ll do always - I don’t think I can without opening cans of worms I’ve finally shut. But - if ever you’re here, or I’m there, maybe we can catch up?”

“I’d like that. Goodnight, Mina.”

“Have a nice day, Kinney. Good luck for school!”

Kinney doesn’t even wait for half a minute before she’s pulling up FaceTime and calling Holly. When she answers, her expression is pleasantly surprised. Kinney can see the camera rocking slightly and the passing scenery in the background - of course, Holly must be on the train back to Philly!

“Well, hello.”

“Hi!” Kinney practically shouts before realising that she sounds like a complete moron. She clears her throat a bit and tries to stop her face from doing the thing where it smiles uncontrollably. 

“You’re...chipper as hell.”

“I just got off the phone with Mina.”

“Oh.” Holly’s expression turns somber and, did Kinney imagine it or was there a flash of irritation and annoyance? No, she’s imagining it. Holly is a sweet girl who would never be annoyed at a stranger. “How did it go?”

“Good, I think. Definitely got that closure thing everybody talks about. Who knew it works?”

“Literally everyone.”

“Hilarious Holly coming to the rescue,” Kinney deadpans and Holly’s answering chuckle is worth it. “Anyway, that’s not what I called to talk about.”

“What  _ did  _ you call to talk about?”

“I wanted to thank you for everything yesterday. Not just the moving in part but - you know?”

“I know.”

“And - er - I wanted to...well the thing is, it’s kind of - I don’t know -”

“Kinney?”

“Yeah.”

“Take your time.”

Kinney has to look away because she’s going to either permanently turn her expression into an embarrassingly large grin or she’s going to cry.  _ Take your time.  _

_ Take your time.  _

“Who knew talking to an ex could help you figure out so much?” Kinney mumbles.

“You talk to me all the time.”

“You’re not my  _ ex. _ We went on  _ one  _ date.”

“An iconic date.”

“Pretty.”

“Ruined you for 10 years.”

“I’m hanging up now.”

“Bye, Kinney.”

* * *

 

Kinney tries her best not to go back to Philly for a couple of months. Sure, she makes it for a couple of Sunday lunches and all the birthdays - and, of course, she goes home for Christmas. But she tries her absolute best to stay in Pittsburgh as much as possible.  No running home as soon as something challenging comes along. 

At first, it’s not easy. She’s not used to unpacking an apartment - especially one she’s going to be living in for at least two years. She’s never experienced what it’s like when you live alone and there’s nobody to remind you that the fridge is empty. She doesn’t know what it’s like remembering on the last day of the month that  _ Oh shit, rent is due tomorrow, I almost forgot.  _ She doesn’t know what it’s like to feel incredibly alone - nobody sharing your bed, or your home. She’s spent so long either being in love or trying to get over it that she’s forgotten how to love her own company. 

She tries to talk to her whole family as often as possible, though. She has a rule that she has to reach out to every family member - sibling, parent, cousin, aunts and uncles - at least once a week. Whether it’s a text, a phonecall, or even a comment on their Insta story. It’s an attempt to turn her life inside out - instead of being at home and aloof she’s trying to be someone who’s independent but emotionally available. 

It’s a learning curve. Every time her hand reaches for her keys to drive home, she decides to watch a movie instead. When she feels an overwhelming urge to cry because it’s so  _ fucking hard  _ to not feel lonely, she lets herself cry. It’s an odd sensation to not press everything down but to let it come naturally instead. 

The first couple of times when she cries, she cries for ages. It’s like there’s a reservoir worth of emotions inside her that needs to constantly be drained. But over time the pressure lessens and while it doesn’t get any less sad, it certainly becomes easier to process it instead of letting it overwhelm her.

Kinney films a lot. She walks around Pittsburgh and she films anything and everything she can. She signs up for an editing workshop to learn to put her work together, and she makes some friends in her class who frequently drive to fantastic locations around the area to make short movies and music videos. 

She talks to her friends every week. One group Facetime with the her babe squad, and one with Jazz, Nick and Holly. 

But sometimes, she’ll call just Holly. 

After she’s had a good cry, she’ll let her hum lullabies to calm Kinney down. When she’s cooking something simple and isn’t sure if she should add more water or just let it simmer, she’ll call Holly to Google search recipes with her to determine which ones sound fake. When it’s just after witching hour and she’s sitting surrounded by nice smelling candles, she’ll check if Holly is online and dial her number so they can sit together in silence and watch the magic of another day take place. 

But that’s not the only magic happening. Something else is happening, a slightly confusing, a slightly heady feeling she hasn’t felt in years. She thinks it’s been happening for a while - a little like a roller coaster. She’s been strapped in for ages now, eyes closed through the steady climb. But now she’s high enough that she can’t ignore it, and she’s only just beginning to realise what kind of ride she’s gotten on. She doesn’t know if she’s terrified to reach the top or if she’s impatient for the fall. Every time she thinks of it she feels that swoop in her stomach - every time she thinks of Holly. 

That’s the terrifying, exhilarating feeling she feels in the pit of her stomach as she gets closer and closer to her family’s neighbourhood. She was home only two weeks ago so it’s not the familiar houses that terrify her. It’s that this is the first time since she moved to Pittsburgh that she’s in Philly for more than a day, which means she has time to catch up with more than just her family. She has a chance to see Jazz and Nick. She has a chance to see Holly. 

It’s not like she couldn’t have driven over whenever she wanted but she’s tried to keep some physical distance from her because then she gets stupid ideas like kissing her senseless, or worse, holding her hand. It’s easier quashing those ideas when all you have to do to get away from the person is press an “end call” button. 

That, and she wants to be one hundred percent sure that what she’s feeling for Holly isn’t a product of her having nobody else. She wants to know  _ for sure, for sure  _ \- but she’s cheated, too. If she really wanted to be sure Holly wasn’t a crutch then she wouldn’t call her every single day. But they talk like five times a week and maybe there’s nothing bad about it because it feels so damn good just laying on her bed and staring at the ceiling, pretending that the voice in her ear is coming from someone beside her. Fuck, now she’s unsure again. But it’s too late because she’s already reached her house and she can’t run away. 

_ You still have a few hours. If you’re really not ready then you can- _

_ Don’t you fucking dare. _

The two voices in her head continue squabbling as she parks. Grabbing her weekend duffle and locking the car, she opens the door to the Hale House. There’s a lot of noise inside, which is only the tip of the iceberg. It’s Easter break so the  _ entire  _ family will be there - some of whom she hasn’t seen for an entire term. The sight that greets her makes her insides turn warm. 

Vada is sitting cross-legged on the floor with Wayne sitting beside her. On the couch behind them, Moffy sits with a controller in his hand. The three of them are playing _Need for Speed_ \- Moffy vs Wayne and Vada. They’re also making a whole lot of noise which seems to be exciting baby Kannika. She just had her second birthday but she’s already looking like she’s managed to grow a few more inches. She’s standing on Nona’s thighs while Nona holds her arms and makes her dance on her lap. 

Audrey is sitting on the other couch with Lydia and Anurak, all three of them reading aloud from a picture book. Holden is curled up beside them, fast asleep, although Kinney isn’t sure exactly how he’s managing to sleep through all the noise. 

Lydia looks up when she hears the door close and her eyes widen at Kinney's appearance, her blue eyes lighting up. 

"Woah."

Kinney nervously touches the glasses she's wearing. She finally gave in and got the damn prescription. When she had posted the first picture with them, Aunt Willow had called her and yelled, "I knew it!"

She really wants to shout,  _They're temporary! My contact lenses get in next week!_ But she doesn't want Lydia to feel like her own glasses are ugly - which they're not at all. Lydia is one of the most adorable girls on the planet. So, she just shrugs and smiles.

Audrey notices her distraction and looks up, as well, smiling brightly.

“Kinney!” they say at the same time and Moffy’s head snaps up. The game is paused as Kinney walks around greeting everyone, a hug here, a kiss on the cheek there. 

They're all extremely happy to see her and Kinney feels some of her apprehension fade into nothing. It doesn't take her long to leave her bag in her bedroom, freshen up and then join everyone downstairs again. 

The noise levels have only increased, and when she walks back into the living room, she can see why. Her vision is clouded by a bunch of dark hair as Luna throws her arms around her. Kinney responds in kind, nearly lifting her older sister off her feet. The two don't even have a chance to let go of each other before Xander is hugging both of them, and then Moffy is putting his arms around his younger siblings. 

They stand like that for a few seconds before letting each other go, a wide smile on each of their faces. Moffy and Luna look like they're going to cry or something. Xander and Kinney share a knowing look, smiling wider. The younger siblings know what's up - it's the genuine grin and happiness on their faces that's making the older ones emotional. Kinney playfully shoves them away before they make her emotional too. 

"We missed you," Luna whispers, squeezing Kinney's hand. "Like  _ really  _ fucking missed you."

"I missed you too."

"We  _ all  _ missed you," a new voice says and Kinney turns to see Sulli approaching her. Someone must have sent a text to all the houses that Kinney had arrived, so everyone who was home must've come over right away. The living room has double the crowd now. 

Kinney hugs Sulli tightly and then Akara. He's not so easy to hug since he's got Kannika perched on his shoulders and Kinney stands on her tip toes to press a kiss to the little girl's calf, eliciting a giggle from her.

"How have you been?" Sulli asks, tugging on Kinney's hair. There's both concern and happiness in the older girl's eyes and Kinney feels a bubbly lightness inside her chest when she responds with a smile.  _ Fuck,  _ she can't stop smiling. "I'm good. Really good. How have you guys been? How was your trip to Bangkok?"

"What was the word you used to describe it, Xander?" Akara looks at him, a thoughtful expression on his face. Xander looks up on from his phone, blinking for a second before nodding. "Chaotic good."

"Right," Akara says, turning back to Kinney. "Chaotic good."

"Chaotic amazing," Sulli smiles.

"Chaotic fantastic."

"CHAOS!" Wayne and Anurak yell, tearing through the living room holding plastic swords in their hands. Banks is running after them making roaring noises, not even breaking character for a second when he pauses briefly to give Kinney a fistbump. Lydia is on his shoulders, waving a wooden spoon and imitating his roaring noises while the boys run around. 

Kinney notices that Holden is still sleepy. The kid reaches to scrub at his eyes but Thatcher gently tugs his arm down and pulls him to his side, waiting rather patiently for his son to wake up fully. Jane is beside them, her chin resting on her husband's chest, fingers smoothing down their son's hair. She blows Kinney a kiss when she sees her. 

“I missed you dreadfully,” Jane mouths across the room and ruckus.

Kinney grins back. “Dread sounds about right,” she yells. Jane shakes her head but chuckles nonetheless. 

“So, how have you two been?” Kinney elbows her sister and brother in their sides. “I hear from Moffy all the time but not so often from you guys.”

“It’s going,” Xander shrugs. “Easton and I are dealing with some asshole neighbours but it’s not too bad.”

“Asshole neighbours?” Luna frowns, sitting on the arm of the couch. Kinney also feels a stab of concern. Xander isn’t usually the type to tolerate someone giving him trouble - either he’ll confront it or he’ll run from it, but he doesn’t stay put. “Are they giving you trouble?” 

“Not that kind of trouble,” he snorts. “They’re just so  _ loud.  _ It’s irritating. Normal people assholes.”

“I see,” Kinney nods. “And you, oh weird one? What have you been up to? When is the book tour starting?”

“Next week,” Luna grins. Her smile reaches her eyes from the thrill of sharing her work -  _ original work -  _ with the entire world. They shine like amber crystals. “Paul can’t come for all of it though so we’re trying to match up a schedule that works for us.”

“Not to interrupt,” Audrey comes up behind Kinney and puts an arm on her waist. “But the girl gang would like to borrow our witch for some time.”

“Borrow away. She’s not escaping from a Hale sleepover tonight.”

Audrey drags Kinney away from the noisy living room onto the patio. Outside, the weather is a lot cooler and Kinney zips up her leather jacket as she nears the girls. 

Nona is sitting on the grass, a packet of chips in her lap. Vada is seated on top of Wayne’s toy-car, only her ass fitting in the seat of the convertible. Audrey perches herself on the deck chair and Kinney sits beside her, stretching her legs out on the wooden panels. For a few moments they don’t say anything. 

It’s so weird growing up attached at the hip and letting real life throw you into different corners of the world - and although they’re still best friends and talk as often as they used to, they’ve come to really bask in the glow of the moments when they’re together. 

Vada is texting on her phone. She has an odd smile on her face, the kind of smile you don’t realise you’re smiling. Kinney suspects she’s texting Jesse so she doesn’t say anything. The moment any of them bring up Jesse, Vada gets very defensive and cagey and it’s an exhausting routine. At this point, the three of them have a silent agreement to let those two figure out on their own that they’re very clearly into each other. Besides, it’s not like Kinney has any grounds to preach - she very rarely admits she has feelings for someone until she’s absolutely a hot mess over them. Current situation included.

“Well?” Nona looks at the group, eyes wide. 

“Well what?” Kinney asks, looking at them. Vada puts her phone away and crosses her arms, and Audrey sits up straight. Is this an intervention? Kinney can’t imagine she’s done anything in the past few weeks to warrant being on the receiving end of an intervention. She’s running through the things she’s done when Audrey clears her throat.

“Are you going to visit Holly?”

Kinney isn’t really sure what to say. Obviously, she had told her girls about the confused feelings she’d been having for Holly  _ and  _ the conversation she’d had with Mina. While they hadn’t been surprised by the former, the latter had caused quite a stir in the entire household, and even among some fans who had seen her like Mina’s Instagram post. 

Apparently, Kinney Hale breaking her tradition of blocking and erasing exes had changed. Unfortunately, there were some who suspected it was because she still had feelings for Mina but the people who mattered knew the truth - that she had found a way to let go. It’s just that fewer people knew about the girl who had helped her find the strength to do it. 

“I was going to go tomorrow.”

“Why don’t you go now?” Audrey smiles wide. 

“Listen, cupid,” Kinney frowns at her. “I’m not ready to just…well, I sort of am but...I don’t know. This is  _ weird  _ okay?”

“Why is it weird?” Nona’s voice is equal parts excited curiosity and gentle reassurance, her chin resting on her palm. 

“I don’t know.” Kinney’s hands do a pinwheel as she scrambles for an explanation. “We talk  _ every  _ single day and it’s nice...it’s  _ really  _ fucking nice. What if we lose that because I open my stupid mouth?”  Her voice has turned angry, but none of the girls bat an eyelid. They’re used to her turning to anger as a baseline emotion. 

“First of all,” Vada holds up a finger. “You always open your stupid mouth anyway, but she still likes you.”

“Thanks a lot.”

“I love you too. Second, how do you know it won’t get better?”

“Everyone  _ always  _ says that -”

“Kinney stop trying to be an edgy hipster for two minutes, please -” Nona interrupts.

“Says the  _ most  _ hipster out of all us, Miss Avocado Toast and overpriced organic Instagram products.”

“There’s a difference between going against the flow because you wanna make a change and going against the flow just because you can. Sometimes when people say things, it’s because they see a general pattern and know what’s up.”

“ _ I  _ don’t know what’s up. And I don’t know -”

“Exactly,  _ ma chérie _ ,” Audrey pats Kinney’s thigh. “You don’t know what’s up. So, go find out.”

“What, like, right now?”  _Fuck,_ she’s not ready. Her hair is messy. She’s wearing _sweatpants_ and a fucking oversized sweater. She hasn’t even got any makeup on. Nor did she have the time to shave today or pluck her eyebrows (a routine she personally prefers from having the same hair genes as Uncle Ryke and Sulli).

“Yes, right now!” Vada tries to stand up but has gotten herself stuck in Wayne’s car. Nona stands up to pull her out. “Listen, it’s the family holiday season and after tonight nobody is going to let any of us vanish anywhere. Go see her before all the parents come home and you can’t leave.”

“Go, go, go,” Audrey agrees, pulling Kinney to her feet and pushing her towards the side of the house, so she can go around it without people asking questions.

“We’ll cover for you, you know we will,” Nona grins. She fishes into her pocket and throws Kinney her cycle lock keys. “Take my bike. I think your car is wedged in -”

“Yeah, as romantic and smooth as that was,” Vada takes back Nona’s keys. “We can’t send her  _ cycling  _ through Philly suburbs. My parents’ car is parked on the street. Take that. I have keys to it.”

Kinney’s hands are shaking as she take Aunt Willow’s keys and rushes to the street. She remembers Holly giving her an address for Kinney to send a package, and Jazz mentioning that she lives near Dalton - with the help of GPS, it doesn’t take long for her to find the place. 

Fifteen minutes later, she’s pulling up outside a fairly standard looking brick house. There is a really tacky looking easter bunny in the yard that Kinney swears is watching her as she walks up to the front door. Her presence sets off the automated lights and there’s the sound of movement behind the front door. 

_ Fuck, fuck, fuck,  _ the door is opening. 

Holly blinks in surprise. Kinney blinks back. Despite how nervous she is, she starts to feel a smile tug at the corners of her mouth. Holly looks - unreal. Like insanely unreal. She had dyed her hair blonde again and it's in a messy braid. She has no makeup on, her freckles and dark green eyes drawing Kinney’s gaze. She’s in equally casual clothes, a pastel blue sweater and grey tights. 

Kinney opens her mouth to say something but when she steps closer she notices the downward turn of Holly’s mouth. Apprehension sneaks into her stomach.

“Kinney, what are you doing here?” 

Kinney’s eyes travel up and she sees now that Holly’s are rimmed red. Dread fills her up.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, stepping closer. 

“I wasn’t expecting you. What are you-”

“Are you okay? Are you  _ crying _ ?”

“Holly, who is it?” A deep voice carries over and Mr. Williams shows up behind his daughter. He looks exactly like how Kinney remembered him. He’s got a few more lines near his eyes and around his mouth, but he’s still got that same intelligent and warm vibe. The only difference is that he’s wearing a band t-shirt instead of the tweed coat that Kinney is used to seeing him, and his locks are in a bun on top of his head instead of a braid. 

“Miss Hale,” he smiles at her. It’s a comforting smile but there’s something tight about it. Kinney looks at him and back at Holly, who is shuffling from foot to foot. 

“Hello, Mr. Williams. I didn’t really mean to interrupt, I was just dropping by to say hello to Holly.” 

Kinney crosses her arms and leans against the doorframe, making no move to leave, taking up more space. Her apprehension is beginning to be replaced by anger and concern and it’s making her stand taller - it’s an emotional coat she’s very comfortable wearing. She stares from Mr. Williams to Holly and back at him. He nods with a smile on his face. 

“Of course. We were about to start dinner but if you guys would like a few minutes-”

“Actually,” Holly sniffles and turns to look at him. “I would like to be excused for the night. Kinney and I will be hanging out in my room.” 

Mr. Williams frowns, looking between the two girls. His expression falls by a fraction and Kinney feels a stab of discomfort. He looks...sad. She waits to see what’s going to happen as Holly and Mr. Williams stare at each other for a few seconds. Finally, he concedes and nods. 

He glances at Kinney and attempts to muster a brighter smile. “I hope you girls have a nice night. You’re welcome to anything in the kitchen, Miss Hale.”

Holly tugs on Kinney’s sweater sleeve and the two girls make their way upstairs. The hallway is lined with photographs of Holly as a child - and Kinney badly wants to stop and inspect each of them. But she can feel the pink of the fabric on her skin and the body heat radiating off the girl leading her and she remembers the way those beautiful eyes were bloodshot and she doesn’t care for baby pictures anymore. She wants to know who hurt her and what their address is. 

Holly pulls Kinney into her room, and she allows herself a second to look around. It’s pretty much exactly as she expected it to look. 

There’s a white framed canopy bed, and polaroid pictures pinned up in a randomised order. There are neatly laid out makeup and perfume bottles on top of the white-painted vanity, and an ivory coloured faux fur rug on the floor. White and pink fairy-lights are strung across the walls. 

Holly sits on the edge of the bed and looks at Kinney. Even though she’s sitting, the bed is high enough that she doesn’t have any difficulty looking up at her since she is easily five or so inches shorter than her. 

“I wasn’t expecting you to show up like this. I didn’t even know you had reached Philly.”

Kinney suddenly remembers why she came and she feels herself go red. She scratches the back of her ear and shakes her head. 

“I just came to say hi, but - what’s wrong? Is - did something bad happen?”

“No,” Holly shakes her head. “Nothing new, anyway.”

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing, really -”

“Holly.” 

Kinney’s got her hands on Holly’s shoulder and she can feel the other girl shaking. She bends a little bit until she’s making eye contact with her. 

Holly’s eyes are slowly filling up and it’s like watching marble crack - the face that has become Kinney’s source of comfort over the past couple of months breaks into pieces. Each piece feels like it’s driving itself into Kinney’s throat. Holly’s chin trembles, her lower lip sticking out before her face is scrunched up and she lets out a sob. 

All strength leaves her body and she tips forward into Kinney, burying her face in Kinney’s stomach. Kinney hugs her close, pressing her face into Holly’s hair. Her arms are like twigs but she puts all her strength into holding Holly tightly. 

Holly squeezes back tighter before pulling away. She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and haphazardly tucks her hair behind her ears.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cry-”

“No shame in crying,” Kinney’s voice is like a full stop, no arguments. “If you want to talk about it, I’m listening. Or we can do something to take your mind off whatever it is.”

“Honestly, I could just lay down and listen to music.”

Kinney gives her a small smile and slides her boots off. She jumps on top of the bed, looking around. There’s a pair of earphones neatly rolled up on the nightstand. She takes them and pulls out her phone. It takes her a few seconds to find a relaxing playlist on Aunt Daisy’s Spotify page - a playlist she told Kinney helps her calm down at night and sleep on the rougher days. Once she hits play, she lays down on the bed, holding out the earphones for Holly.

“We can share, if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind.”

Kinney puts in one earbud and Holly takes the other. The bed dips as Holly stretches out and wriggles until she finds a comfortable position. The back of their hands brush each other and warmth blooms inside Kinney’s chest. She doesn’t dare look at Holly. 

They both stare at the ceiling, watching a spinning cut-out lantern throw geometric patterns above their heads. It’s such a soothing atmosphere that Kinney starts to feel her eyelids rest heavier. Everything feels a little bit like a dream. They’re seven songs into the playlist when Kinney realises Holly has called her name. 

She reduces the volume on the music and turns over, the earbud pressing into her left ear. But she doesn’t really care. 

“It’s my grandma,” Holly finally says. “She’s mad at my mom because she refused to pick her up from the airport.”

Kinney doesn’t ask why. She knows Holly will tell her. She just watches her swallow and then take a shuddering breath. 

“I came out to her over the summer and she didn’t take it well. My parents have known for years but I really wanted to tell my grandma because we’re really close - well, I thought we were.” A tear rolls down her temple and disappears into her hair. “When she reacted badly, my mom fought her for days. We haven’t talked to her in months and - she usually comes over for Easter. She kind of assumed she was invited this year too - I thought she was and I would have to awkwardly deal with her. But my mom told her she’s not welcome unless she accepts me wholeheartedly. When she got offended, my mom booked her on the next flight back. And I know - I know it’s not my fault, I know she’s the one who’s wrong, I know I don’t need her in my life if she can’t love me, but it just  _ hurts. _ I thought she  _ loved  _ me.”

Holly’s shaking again and Kinney’s breath is coming in shallow pants. It’s taking all her strength not to cry with her. 

She  _ knows  _ what it’s like. She knows what it’s like having a grandmother who is homophobic. She knows out of all the Calloways' kids, Kinney and her siblings take the least priority - the ones who aren’t hetero the lowest on an already low rung. 

She’s seen the disguised sneers, overheard the most ridiculous lies Samantha tells her WASP friends. Sometimes someone in the family hears it too and jumps in to correct her. Hell, Kinney herself has never held back from fighting her when she says something about Moffy. But there are times when nobody hears and the comments are about Kinney, and while she rolls her eyes and ignores it, somewhere inside her heart, the words stick. She  _ knows _ . 

But this is different. It’s different because Kinney has always known Samantha hates her - but Holly’s grandmom? She loved her until this one thing changed everything. And she can’t even begin to fathom or understand what that kind of betrayal feels like, a betrayal from someone you trust your whole life. 

What do you say to that?  _ I’m sorry  _ doesn’t even begin to encompass the things Kinney is feeling right now - sadness, hurt, rage, disappointment, more rage. And this is when she isn’t even on the receiving end of it. 

_ This is not about you. It’s about what  _ she  _ needs.  _

Holly pulls out the earbud and Kinney pulls out hers as well, pausing the music and tossing her phone to the side. She scoots closer to Holly who, despite her best attempt not to full-on cry, still curls up into Kinney’s arms. Kinney can feel her tears on her neck, pooling in the dip of her collar bone, and every hiccup makes her chest hurt. 

She doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t know what the right thing to say is and she’d rather keep quiet than say the wrong thing. Even she knows how to keep her stupid mouth shut when it needs to be. She simply mumbles things like  _ you’re perfect  _ and  _ you’re so strong  _ and  _ i’ve got you  _ over and over into Holly’s hair, with no idea if the girl can even hear her. She holds her until her shoulders stop shaking and she can no longer feel tears on her skin. 

She can feel Holly fidget and she looks down to watch her lift her head. Holly looks up at Kinney and Kinney feels her heart stutter to a stop. Her eyelashes are wet and she can see a tear drop hanging from one of them. She would reach out to wipe it but there’s not enough space between them for her to wedge her arm in. 

_ Stop. Stop thinking of how beautiful she is, not when she needs you, not now, this is not right.  _

“Thank you,” Holly mumbles. 

“What are you thanking me for?”

“You know what. I honestly didn’t mean to be this way -”

“Be  _ what  _ way? Human? Or was I supposed to believe for the rest of our lives that you’re some kind of fluff robot?”

Holly takes a second to respond, letting the  _ rest of our lives  _ hang in the air. 

“It’s not that. It’s just that...don’t take this the wrong way, but I like taking care of you.” Kinney opens her mouth to say something but Holly rushes her words. “I  _ know  _ you hate feeling like a project. I swear I’m not trying to patronise you. Being there for you isn’t a hobby or something. It’s more like - I  _ want  _ to do it. I  _ want  _ to be the person you lean on. It hurts me when you’re hurting and I want to do everything to take it away. And if I can’t then I want to at least be there holding your hand through it while you sort it out on your own - and sometimes I think I want to hold your hand anyway. But my point is that...I  _ like  _ being the one who takes care in this - whatever this is. And I don’t know, I don’t want you to think I’m unreliable or that if I’m breakable then you can’t lean on me.”

“Holly, oh my god,” Kinney’s words are muffled by a laugh of disbelief. “You’re not serious.”

“I  _ am  _ serious.” Holly is frowning now and Kinney really has to hold her neck in place to not lean down and kiss the furrow away. 

“I’m not sure why you think we can’t take care of each other. I know you like to do it but sometimes you need to lean on someone as well. You don’t have to carry everyone’s burden. You can lean on me too. I don’t want you to think I’m too weak for you to do that.”

“I don’t think you’re weak. You are one of the strongest people-”

“Then let me take care of you, too. Let me be there for you. You don’t have to be a rock all the time.”

Holly does a half sob-laugh and Kinney pokes her side, causing a chuckle to slip through. She wriggles her fingers and another laugh bubbles up. 

“ _ Stop it,”  _ Holly whines but she’s properly laughing now and it’s contagious as hell because Kinney is laughing too. Their laughter is interrupted by Kinney’s phone beeping and she’s just about ready to toss is out the window when she sees it’s a message on her siblings’ group chat.

_ [Xander]: where did you go? _

_ [Luna]: weren’t u w/the girls?  _

_ [Moffy]: kinney, audrey is saying you stepped out. when are you coming back? you haven’t even met mom and dad yet, or our aunts and uncles. _

_ [Luna]: we’re still on for the sleepover right? Bc i picked movies and pyjamas _

_ [Xander]: pls tell me we’re not cancelling the sleepover.  _

Kinney swallows. If it was just Luna or Moffy then she would’ve rescheduled without a second thought. But Xander - she  _ never  _ cancels plans with Xander. Kinney promised herself she would rather die than ever ditch him. 

But Holly is in her arms, and she  _ needs  _ her - and she knows Xander would forgive her if he knew why but...but sometimes his brain doesn’t know what’s up even when it knows what’s up. Even if she tells him it’s an emergency, and even if he  _ knows  _ logically it’s not on purpose, a part of him will wonder if she’s ditched him because he’s not worth it. She knows he struggles with self loathing thoughts and his own brain can be his worst enemy sometimes, and he’s been smiling all day and she - but Holly. What does she do?

“Oh my god,” Holly sits up, her eyes flashing to Kinney’s phone screen. “Your sleepover!”

“No! No!” Kinney shakes her head. “It’s okay! I can cancel -”

“No! You can’t cancel because of me! You have to go!”

“Holly, seriously, wait, stop -” Kinney holds Holly’s wrist before the other girl can scramble off the bed. She can see that Holly is already drying the tear tracks on her face and her eyes are wide with worry and guilt. “It’s okay. It’s just a movie night. I can be here. Besides, I’m with them the rest of the week.”

“I don’t want you cancelling on your family because of me. I know how much they mean to you.”

“You mean just as much to me.”

Holly’s mouth drops open and Kinney feels her face burning. She’s never said that to anyone - not even Mina. That’s how they work, her family. They’re each other’s everything. 

Some people find it intense, and if Kinney is honest, it’s  _ pretty  _ rare how rock solid their bonds are. She knows it’s not normal, she’s talked to people who only text their cousins once in a while or people who avoid family group chats even though they love them. People who only see family on holidays - not because they love them any less but just because. Her family isn’t like that. And for her to say that someone else means  _ just as much  _ to her - it’s scary. It’s so scary. 

But Kinney has always loved scary things.

“That - I’m - I - Okay, that’s crazy. You’re just saying things now.”

“I’m not just saying things.” Kinney tugs on Holly’s arm to get her to lay down again. “I’m serious. You mean a  _ hell lot  _ to me, Holly. And if you need me to stay tonight, I’m not going anywhere.”

Holly doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, and it’s only when Kinney is reaching for her phone to cancel the plan that she speaks up.

“Will you believe me if I tell you I’m feeling better and I want you to go see your family?”

“That depends,” Kinney sucks air through her teeth. “Are you lying so you don’t feel guilty about making me cancel.”

“No!”

Kinney narrows her eyes.

“I promise, I’m not lying. I wouldn’t lie to you. I’m honestly feeling way better and I think I want to spend some time with my parents. I don’t want them to think they’re the ones I’m upset with. It means a whole lot to me that my mom is ready to go this far for me.”

“Okay,” Kinney nods. “On one condition - actually, two conditions then.”

“What are those?”

“One, you let me stay for a little while longer until I absolutely have to leave. And two, you won’t hesitate to call or text me if you need me.”

“Done and done.”

“Good.”

“Fantastic.”

Kinney is smiling as she lays back down on the bed. Holly lays down beside her again, wrapping her arms around Kinney. Her face is nuzzled into Kinney’s neck, her leg thrown over her hip. Kinney places her shaking hands on Holly’s waist, her thumb rubbing soft circles on the skin underneath her sweater. Holly hums a happy sound, snuggling closer, her lips touching Kinney’s neck. Her eyelashes are fluttering against Kinney’s skin and Kinney thinks if she died just right then, she’d die happy. 

They don’t say any other words. Even the ones clearly hanging in the air.

* * *

 

Kinney is  _ mad  _ at herself. 

Just to be clear, she’s not mad at Holly or anything, even though she ended up being fairly MIA for the rest of the week that Kinney was in Philly. She even cancelled on the only day they had planned with Nick and Jazz. With every passing day, Kinney avoided her girls’ curious stares. They’d been annoyed when she came back home that night and texted them that the plan had fallen through. Of course, that annoyance evaporated when she told them that something had happened. She didn’t elaborate, though, since it wasn’t her story to tell. 

Kinney could feel her heart sinking the closer it got to the day she had to leave again, and there was still nothing from Holly aside from the occasional text saying, “Hey, sorry I’ve been busy. Don’t mean to ignore. Will talk ASAP.”

Now she’s back in Pittsburgh with no texts, no calls, no new girlfriend. She huffs at herself and angrily tosses her bag on her couch. She doesn’t even wait to grab a beer from her fridge and walk to the balcony. 

It’s raining outside and she flops down on the chair, glaring at the opposite building which has a giant billboard on it, advertising a dating app. Fantastic. 

“What’s up, my dude?” a bored voice calls out. Kinney looks to her right. Her next door neighbour, Dennis, is standing in his balcony and smoking a cigarette. They don’t usually talk or hang out but they’ve had the occasional conversation when they’re both out at the same time.

“I’m pissed.” Kinney looks back at the billboard, glaring at the giant red heart on it. 

“At me?”

“No, you moron.”

“At what?”

“Just some stuff. Not worth getting into.”

“Sucks.”

“Yep.”

There’s a few more seconds of silence.

“Isn’t that your friend? The one who helped you move in?”

“What?” Kinney frowns, putting down her beer. Dennis isn’t looking at her but he’s pointing with his cigarette to something on the street. She stands up and leans over the balcony, her hair getting wet from the raindrops. She spots a familiar brown-blonde head and she feels goosebumps across her skin. Her lungs squeeze almost painfully. No way. No fucking way.

“Bye, Dennis.” 

She runs back indoors and out the apartment. Honestly, it’s a whole miracle she doesn’t crack her neck with the rather reckless way she skips three steps at a time, especially since they’re wet from people going in and out of the rain, and she's in socks . She’s running full speed out the building but she practically screeches to a stop when Holly spots her. She’s aware she has a stitch on her side and she’s breathing really hard and her mouth has gone dry. 

“I’m sorry!” Holly smiles wide. “I was going to totally surprise you outside your door, super romantic and all, but then Nona texted me that you were leaving a couple hours later than planned. So, then I went to get a coffee and some lunch and when I got back I saw your car was already in the lot and I didn’t really know  _ what  _ to say so I was kind of waiting and I guess you saw me -”

Kinney doesn’t really hear the rest of the words. She’s not even here right now. 

She’s thirteen years old again, watching rain pelt on the side-mirror of the car as it pulls away from Holly’s house. She’s watching a slowly shrinking figure of a girl in a dress, rain wetting her blonde hair as she waves goodbye. She’s a sinking feeling inside her chest, promising to never date again. She’s the anger bubbling inside her chest every second of every day. She’s the feeling of being awake at five in the morning when it gets cool enough to snuggle under a sheet. She’s the feeling of sun shining. She’s the feeling of the captain on a plane announcing after a turbulent journey that you’ve arrived at your destination. 

She doesn’t know what Holly is saying, only that she’s getting closer, or Kinney’s moving closer and then she’s not really seeing anything because her eyes are closed and her lips are on Holly’s. Her socks are getting wet as she stands on her tiptoes to try and reach her better and Holly leans down to make it easier and  _ oh my god,  _ she might as well have never been kissed before because her lips are burning, burning hot.  

She throws her arms around Holly’s neck, and Holly’s arms are wrapped around her torso, pulling their bodies close. Their clothes are getting wet as the rain pelts harder on them but Kinney thinks breathing is fairly overrated because she could stay like this forever, their limbs and lips and hair tangled like an infinity symbol. 

Holly moans into her mouth and Kinney’s previous line of thought is immediately cancelled. She doesn’t want to stay like this for another second. 

She wants to drag Holly upstairs and spend every hour of everyday peppering her skin with kisses, until she knows what every square inch of her skin feels against her lips, and then she wants to do it again for good measure. She wants to wake up in Holly’s arms, and she wants to hold her hand, and she wants to ride a grocery cart while they shop for  _ their  _ fridge, and she wants to film her and write whole movie scripts dedicated to her, and she wants someone to write a song about how Holly invented kissing, and mostly, mostly, she wants to hold her face and tell her  _ I love you, I love you, I love you.  _

She thinks she might be crying into this kiss, her emotions bubbling so violently inside her chest. 

_ What is this, I’ve never felt like this.  _ Someone could make fireworks from the way her blood is sparking. She finally  _ gets  _ it, why the cameras spin round and round when they film kisses - because it’s never ending and the world is narrowed down to them and she’s going so, so dizzy.

Kinney pulls back for air and Holly is trembling around her. They slowly unwrap from around each other and Holly sheepishly hands her a rose. 

It’s pink and Holly is holding it very carefully from just below the bud because the entire stem is covered in some of the sharpest thorns Kinney has seen in her life. Her brain is short circuiting so it takes her a few gulps of air to come up with coherent words.

“You can ask florists to remove thorns.” 

Someday, someone will note that  _ those  _ were the first words Kinney came up with after having an epic, movie worthy rain-kiss with the girl she’s head over heels in love with. 

“It’s us!” Holly beams, blinking water out of her eyes. “Get it? Thorny and pink.”

Suddenly, Kinney loves roses. 

“Let’s get out of this rain.”

They’re both shivering as they get back into the building, dripping water all over the elevator as it seems to take forever to get to Kinney’s floor. When the doors open, they’re both breathing hard. Kinney can’t get her apartment door open fast enough and the moment it shuts behind her, Holly has got her pressed against it. Kinney barely makes an  _ oomph  _ sound before she’s trapped in Holly’s arms.

Her mouth is back on hers and Kinney groans as Holly bites her lower lip. The kisses drag across her jaw, down her neck and Kinney is shivering harder. She wants to bury her fingers in Holly’s hair but her hands are currently pinned to her sides. She wants to melt into a puddle and never get up again. 

“Holly, wait,” she stutters. Holly stops and pulls back, looking down at Kinney. Her hold on her wrists loosens. 

“Something wrong?”

“No,  _ no,”  _ Kinney smiles, giddy. “The opposite. I just - I think we should sort of - like we haven’t -”

“Kinney.”

“Canwetakethisslow,” she mumbles in a single breath. “I want to savour this and I want to talk and I want to take this slow.”

Holly’s hands leave Kinney’s arms and slide up. It’s  _ so  _ unfair because they’re leaving a blazing trail, up her arms, across her wet shirt, up her neck until they’re cradling her face between them. 

“Okay.” Holly is beaming, and she leans down to press another gentler kiss to Kinney’s lips before pulling back. “May I have a towel, please?”

“Yes,” Kinney nods, ducking under Holly’s arms and fanning herself not so discreetly. It’s a miracle all the rainwater hasn’t just evaporated off her. She blushes when she hears Holly laugh and she hurries to grab two towels from her bathroom and bring them back to the living room. 

Holly is spinning in a single spot, clearly trying to stop herself from tracking water everywhere. Her eyes are roving over the walls, which were empty the last time she was here. Now they have posters and photographs and art prints. Kinney covers her head with the towel so she doesn’t have to watch Holly absorb her little life here in Pittsburgh. 

“I like what you’ve done with the place. I’m glad.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really happy you unpacked.”

Kinney slides the towel off her face to look at Holly. The other girl is gently pressing her hair between the fabric of her own towel, watching Kinney in return.

“I guess I’ve really moved in,” Kinney looks around. “I even talk to my neighbours and the guy who has the evening shift at the 7-11, would you believe?”

“Well, you’re easy to love, it’s not very surprising.” 

Kinney’s eyes widen.

_ You’re easily lovable, Loren Hale. You’re easily lovable. You’re easily lovable.  _ She’s heard that phrase her whole life, whether it’s her mother saying it to her father, or both of them telling it to their kids every chance they get. 

Perhaps  _ that’s  _ the real Hale curse - or enchantment. Kinney doesn’t believe in curses - she doesn’t think any kind of magic is inherently bad. Sometimes spells just take time to reveal their true nature or intention. Perhaps the real enchantment on the Hales isn’t bad luck - it’s being easily lovable, and loving easily lovable people. 

She thinks of how her mother wraps her arms around her father’s torso and kisses his arm when he looks like he’s going to fall. 

She thinks of how her father buries her mother in hugs and tickles on the days she feels inadequate and unworthy. 

She thinks of Farrow, of how he fights with Moffy in an almost bored voice when Moffy is scrambling for any retort, no matter how unnecessary, because sometimes he thinks sarcasm is a wall he can hide behind. 

She thinks of Luna and the giddy smile she gets on her face when she hands Donnelly the goofiest of designs and he doesn’t think twice before printing out a stencil for it and writing it on her skin. 

She thinks of Xander and Easton and how when Xander had a mental breakdown over moving in with someone and yelled because it was easy to yell, Easton calmly continued packing his belongings because he’d still rather live with him than anyone else.

And she thinks of Holly,  who somehow found this angry, hurt, bursting-with-pain-and-self-doubt Kinney and still didn’t hesitate to wrap her in love. She could’ve asked the florist to remove the thorns. 

But the thorns are part of being a Hale. You just have to know how to hold the flower.

The Hale Curse isn’t being unlucky in life. It’s that the world doesn’t think you’re capable or worthy of love despite being easily lovable. You just have to be patient.

_ We’re easily lovable. You just have to believe in us.  _

“Kinney?” Holly’s eyes are also wide now, mirroring Kinney’s expression. “Did I - should I not have said that? Is that too much too soon?”

“No, it’s - it’s perfect.”

Holly smiles a hesitant smile and Kinney grins back at her, a proper grin, a wide grin, a cheek hurting grin. She doesn’t think she’ll ever stop. 

“So, did unpacking help?” Holly sits on the breakfast counter stool.

“It did. It wasn’t easy.” Kinney walks close to her and takes Holly’s hands in hers. Their fingers fit like jigsaw pieces. “There were some boxes I was ignoring. There were some I realised I’d been carrying around for too long even though I didn’t need them anymore. Some new things I had to buy. But I think I’m happy with the result. I think things will change the more I get used to the place but - yeah, yeah it did.”

“I’m happy for you. I’m happy  _ with  _ you.”

“Actually, there’s something you can help me with.”

“What’s that?”

“There’s space for a few more boxes. I was saving them for you - maybe we can unpack them together?”

Holly pulls Kinney close and kisses her shoulder. 

“I’d love nothing more.”

**Author's Note:**

> first of all, if you made it to the end, thank you so so much for reading. let me know what you think i really want to know your thoughts!
> 
> explanations/whatever idk a/n:
> 
> 1) holly is described as nothing other than blonde in alu - and bc diversity is super lacking - so i decided to make her curvy + woc since hair colour doesn't mean anything. specifically, her mom is white and her father (and nick, since he's her cousin from her dad's side) is black.
> 
> 2) in general, i've tried to make this work more diverse than the books. i know this will be different in canon. esp since kb have confirmed that they know beckett's love interest+the future of these characters. either way, i wanted to try and bring some diversity into the story. 
> 
> 3) i know i haven't included a lot of marrow, kitsulli, cobaretti or lunnelly content. that's mainly bc they're very firmly established characters in canon and i always get nervous about writing people as ooc (esp since this isn't an au). besides, i didn't want to step on anything that's going to unfold for them in the upcoming books so i stuck to giving them a distant future. the focus of this work is the characters whose stories we're probably never going to see.
> 
> 4) the kids' names took me ages but im happy with what i settled with. wayne is tony's middle name, his birth certificate lists his given name as antonio (he's latinx). kitsulli's kids both have thai names - anurak (an angel in thai mythology) and kannika (meaning beautiful flower). i think everyone can agree the chances of cobaretti having twins is high since twins run in both their genes - but naming them was super hard. i chose holden for their son bc i was talking to the hale gc about names and it was brought up how jane loves origin stories of names, like her siblings', and i remembered that pin about them reading books together and i thought what if their kid is named after a literary character that thatcher likes? i picked the catcher in the rye. as for lydia, i genuinely can't explain why but i think it's the perfect name for jane's daughter. for convenience sake, we can say there's a behind the scenes meaning attached to it but i just genuinely love that name for cobaretti's kid. 
> 
> 5) im not sorry about criticising the amount of fame, recluse, and security these kids have been given. don't @ me about it. it was really difficult for me to realistically figure out how they would slowly let go of their bodyguards+become independent people - which ultimately made some decisions ooc in relation to the like us series but im not sorry about that. i wanted kinney to have a normal life.
> 
> 6) cobaveira (that's charlie x joana) isn't my original idea. my friends and i talked about it before alu came out, and i saw mana spread the idea on the tl, other friends and mutuals talked about it in detail too, and it stuck. vada x jesse (that's jack's younger brother) was something i thought about when alu came out and planned out before i wrote this story. their story runs in parallel. i talk about them on my twitter sometimes. maybe someday i'll write it. i gave beckett a ballerina gf because it's what i want for him, and im sure im not the only one who feels that way. audrey and nick flirting is just something fun i threw in idk if it'll pan out if i ever decide to continue this storyline. 
> 
> 7) i AM genuinely sorry if the core eight were ooc. i really cannot write them for shit, im sorrryyyyy.
> 
> 8) i purposely chose to make kinney act super dramatic about her break up. i don't think she was exaggerating her emotions - she was most definitely devastated. but i purposely gave the illusion that someone had wronged her because i think her ego is a major part of her personality and part of growing up is owning up to your own mistakes. she needed to come to terms with the fact that sometimes being spoiled can affect how you behave in relationships and that the breakup was on both of them, not just mina. i hope you guys liked mina, i meant for her to be likeable. she was never intended to be a villain. 
> 
> okay im done rambling and over explaining. if you guys ever want to read more stories then let me know (most likely vada x jesse or more holly x kinney since this is just the start of their journey. maybe even some of the original romances). if you found this on tumblr, im not active so you can come talk to me on twitter, my @ is @MlNAGUST (that's a small L not a capital i). my curiouscat is lunalienhales 
> 
> a HUGE shoutout to the hale babes. without their encouragement, this never ever would've happened. i love you guys to the moon and back. i hope you liked my take on our hale curse. ilyy
> 
> EDIT: world's biggest moron here whose brain did not work at 5AM. a BIG BIG THANK YOU to karin for helping me write the scene where they discuss hanna's pronouns to explain it to the kids!!


End file.
